Arrogant Game Preview: Buffs

Put down any sharp objects.  Maybe put some plastic wrap over your keyboard if you plan to drink anything while reading this.  In the Bearfighter’s supreme judgement, the combination of poll stagnation, too many road games, SEC game plan drowsiness and what I am guessing is some form of alumni hangover from the Stanford game, Arrogant Nation needs to get a little more piss and vinegar back.  I’m not calling anyone out, but as it is always my job, I humbly throw my chiseled, handsome frame on the barbecue so you may all smell the aroma of greatness.  I’m hell with a pen and it’s time for you to appreciate that it’s the day before the day before.

This week is the hardest week and the easiest week for me.  It’s the hardest because I know a lot of great people that went to Boulder (and many of them cited the best part was you could “snowboard to class”) and these aren’t people I like to upset.  Among them, the great Will Weston, hell with a pen in his own right, a man who will jump off of anything, bought a bar in San Francisco and really will eat as much prime rib as you ask him too.  He’s also eight feet tall and once biked from Denver to Kansas City to see a Royals game.  Not kidding, when he got there they made a big deal about it.  I’m not even sure he likes to bike.  Really, this guy should be a Trojan.

The thing is, I look forward to the Buffs game now because it’s so easy to pick on them.  They don’t win any games.  If Utah was the shitty make-good on us not getting Texas and Oklahoma in the Pac 12, then Colorado was the the piece of toilet paper that got stuck to their heel when we invited the Utes in.  What’s more depressing is based on the message board reaction from Utes, Cougars and whatever the fuck Utah State is from a couple weeks ago, they are taking the fact I think Colorado was the crappier addition as a compliment.  To be clear, I wish neither was in the conference.

Look, Utah wanted in because they were in some conference no one remembers or can name every team in.  Colorado was in the Big 12.  Their exodus to the Pac 12 was like the doormat of your house getting up and deciding it wanted to have mud and rainwater ground into it’s face at someone else’s house.  Colorado flipped conferences and other than every other year we get to go snowboarding at an away game at a stadium designed so poorly for television that you are better off going.  You guys remember last year, right?  Not the game, but the angle their broadcast platform provided?  You can’t see one of the wideouts and it feels like high school game footage.  Watching it, all that was missing was being in a math classroom with a coach in Riddell shorts that are too tight screaming about how none of you clowns are completing your blocks.

Look, you named your team the Buffaloes, an animal famous for being easily hunted and almost dying out.  For historical accuracy, when you race the damn thing across the field, how bout letting Traveler track him down and our Trojan putting him down.  Buffalo burgers are great, they had them on special at the Counter a month ago.  Like the great tribes of the plains, we won’t waste any of him.  He will be delicious.  Or ignore me.  Just run him into a fucking trailer and then lose by four touchdowns.  Your choice.

Some Buffs will come here and try again to make a joke about Trojans being condoms, but I’ll give the same answer I gave since enrolling.  I am not sure how that comparison makes any sense.  Have any of you ever been in a bad mood when a Trojan was involved?  Condoms are for one thing and that thing is awesome.  If you want to associate our student body with condoms, I don’t blame you, we’re that good looking.  We have school spirit even when we’re getting down.

Also, be careful when playing the irrelevant misuse of mascot game.  I’m not one to play it, but if I must Buffalo Wild Wings presents itself as a place men so miserable at home go to pray games go to overtime so they don’t need to go home to their wives.  The Buffalo Exchange is where women haggle over used clothing.  I could keep going, but I got bored.

Frankly, I am going to be so arrogant as to not look up one player on your team.  I know your wideout exploded his leg before the season and that sucks.  I also know your Pac 12 win was against Washington State.  I didn’t see it because I am pretty sure it wasn’t televised.  If it was, I am guessing you needed metal antennas to get it regionally.  When I picture the Buffs and Cougs squaring off, I picture two Star Wars fans having a pretend light saber battle in line at the theater.  It’s good television not because it is good television.

I’ll give Boulder one thing.  Their non-Buffalo Ralphie has the second perviest mustache in the conference behind Sparky the Pedophile at ASU:

Look, I don’t know if there’s a chance between our gameplan and the fact we never cover the spread to warrant me thinking this will be an epic blowout.  That said, I am pretty sure this is what Boulder fans will do during this game:

I want to keep it real.  I think Matt Barkley is going to get his TDs this week.  I think Kiffin is showing different looks all season so when we hit November, we have different looks.  I think he knows how little style points matter this early in the season.  They matter in November against the big dogs.  This is going to be a big ass day for Matt.  How big?  If Taylor Swift’s last single was about Barkley, it’d be called “We Are Never Ever Ever Getting Back Together Until You Let Me Dress Up Like A Flight Attendant For You And By The Way I Cooked You Dinner”.

He’s going to interview Jay Leno after this game.

In fact, in honor of this huge day, I am giving $5 dollars off every order at the Arrogant Nation store if you use the code BUFFHUNT.  It sounds like getting naked and hunting.  I support that.

PREDICTIONS

USC 45

I’m not even giving a prediction of the Buffs points because they won’t matter.  This isn’t a pissing contest.  I piss greatness.

2 PT CONVERSIONS

None.  Kiffin is letting me down here.  I am hoping to be pleasantly surprised.  And possibly aroused.

KIFFIN OUTFIT PREDICTION

3pm, SoCal.  Back to the khakis, white polo and visor.  Red pants last week through the world off.  It was the source of his SEC playcalling, clearly.

KYLE NEGRETE PREDATOR DRONE REPORT

None.  We won’t plan to punt.  I will send him a bottle of fine scotch to enjoy from the bench (NOT REALLY NCAA JUST TO MAKE SURE).  You know this is ending up in the LA Times.

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10 Comments

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10 Responses to Arrogant Game Preview: Buffs

  1. RideTheTaxi

    SHOPPING CART PAGE, Y U NO LOAD!?!?

    Everyone, GET OFFLINE, so I can just buy a shirt!

    Another great post, btw :]

  2. Parker

    As a Buff Alum and huge fan of this blog along with it being my Birthday I would humbly like to ask for your presence in downing the bottle of Bulliet I will be bringing to the game. Assuming you are going of course. Looking forward to the Mile High Miracle this weekend.

  3. TMBonEMBOWAFA

    “To be clear, I wish neither was in the conference.”

    Whenever I have to say Pac-12, rather than Pac-10, I still cringe.

  4. CU Alum here and want to point out one inaccuracy and I hope it’s not too nit-picky. This is what Boulder fans will be doing during the game: http://goo.gl/WNlzV — we don’t generally pay much attention to our games against the big dogs. That said, I’ll be at the stadium on Saturday and I’m already making plans with friends for when I leave at halftime. Enjoy!

  5. Kaleb

    Best post of the season, by far. I don’t know how you managed to fire me up for the Colorado game, but you did. Tailgating by Leavey tomorrow. Hit me up via email and come for a beer or two.

  6. BottleBlondeNomad

    Hey Zack, as a Trojan that just moved to San Francisco I’m looking for some great local bars, what is the name of your friends spot? Fight on!

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