A man can get tired of anything. You’d think having a waterslide made of oiled up Victoria’s Secret models that stretches from my beach mansion direct to the Pacific would never get old. But it does and so do the models. It’s also incredibly hard to replace one when they retire or take a sick day and you’d be surprised how many people complain when you use a girl from another catalogue. I mean, no joke, this summer Mickey Rourke refused to use the slide for that exact reason and he was already through two bottles of Blue Label. How did he even notice?
I guess what I am saying is that I’ve spent the offseason discovering new planets, conquering underwater kingdoms, perfecting my sailing, designing uniforms for polo teams, shoplifting, playing Batman on Hollywood Blvd., racing in the APAC underground circuit (Tokyo Drift Style) and guest bartending in Monaco.
Basically, I’ve done a lot of things and I am bored of all of them.
All I want is to be arrogant and see some football. Thank Barkley, that time has finally come. Bearfighers, this is the first Arrogant Game Preview of the most important season in the history of looking good and being totally fucking arrogant all the time. This is our “Luke, I am your father” season. This is our “Kevin Spacey IS Kaiser Soze” season. This is our “Bruce Willis is a ghost the whole time” season. Brad Pitt and Edward Norton are both the same dude. It’s Gwenyth Paltrow’s head in the box.
Look, I made my point with the Star Wars reference, but fuck the NCAA. I just decided to ruin a bunch of classic movie endings because I can and I am too fired up to be polite. Also, if you haven’t seen those films, you probably go to Oregon and I have no idea why you are reading this. If you are really such a masochist, punch yourself in the junk right now.
So all of that said, it’s the most epic season ever. It’s a string of Saturdays to sock the NCAA in the face and hopefully Larry Scott feels it (by the way, get off our nuts, Larry, we only sleep with winners). It’s going to be the reckoning of an era. It’s going to be a 30 for 30 when they are doing 60 for 60 and we’re all going to look fucking awesome in the 2010s equivalent of bellbottoms.
All of this and we open with…
I drink rum and jump off waterfalls in Hawaii. I don’t play them in football.
But hey, we’re here. The gun’s loaded. Let’s see if it still shoots. I have been starved of bearmeat for so long and all I have been doing is CrossFit and 5 Hour Energy shots for about eight months now. They’re opening my cage door. The sun is stinging my eyes. I can make out some shapes… It’s the Rainbow Warriors. Engage. Hands down, Gs up.
First problem with Hawaii is that they aren’t very good at football. Sometimes they sneak up on you and drop some points by virtue of passing the ball two hundred times, but let’s be honest, it is hard to take a team seriously that does a haka dance before the game.
I know it’s supporting their island roots and every time I’ve seen this dance drunk at a luau, I have generally thought it was pretty awesome. I am also eating pig that was cooked underground and drinking rum and POG juice so I’m usually pretty stoked on life. Also, there’s dudes throwing fire and I probably spiked some shave ice earlier in the day. Maybe bought some vintage poster art in Lahaina. Can’t remember.
So yeah, the dance is kind of cool the first time you see it. Unfortunately, it’s so cool every asshole does it now, including the Arizona Wildcats. Nick Foles showed Jon Gruden how to do it on his QB School thing on ESPN and Gruden felt so uncomfortable he ran out of the studio and ate Chick-Fil-A in protest until he gave himself the runs.
Look, when your dance is featured in Friday Night Lights by Tim Riggins’ older, dipshit brother, you know this is a pansy way to get jacked up for a game. I think the best way to get pumped up is to kill a live bear and then stretch a little bit so you don’t pull anything. Like I did before I started writing this. I’m hell with a pen.
The next issue I have is that Hawaii has dudes like this hanging out on the sideline:
This is a massive problem because this dude should be playing on the field. If you compare this man to the guys doing the Haka Dance in the picture above, who are you scared to line up against? I will stop rooting for USC and become a Rainbow Warrior fan the minute they line up 11 dudes like this guy all wearing no pads. And it’s this half ass attempt to conform that is really holding Hawaii back.
For one, they let everyone get away with ignoring the apostrophe in Hawai’i. They are only returning four starters on a mediocre defense and if they can’t stop me from ignoring their apostrophe, how are they going to stop Barkley and Woods and Lee and Redd and McNeal. And Negrete. We’re going to score on a punt, this team does it all. Beez in the trap, beez-beez in the trap.
Hawaii is also so indecisive they didn’t even abandon their old moniker of “Rainbow Warriors”, instead they allowed each team to choose what to go by. The football team are the Warriors, the baseball team are the Rainbows. I’m from fucking California and that is too loose even for my taste and I’m saying if it were up to me we’d all be drinking absinthe from elephant tusks that’s how down with everything I am. Put foie gras back on the damn menu. Yes, I am running out on the bill. I just bought the restaurant. You’re fired.
I mean look, Google “rainbow warriors” and you’ll see images like this:
Both of which are cooler than the Hawaii football team. Look, I don’t know what’s going on in these pictures, but I know I don’t want to play football against the things in that second picture. This is what my nightmares look like. I wake up in the morning covered in bear blood and screaming about Vietnam, which I wasn’t even alive for.
Shudder. I’m good.
Look, the real Rainbow Warriors are clearly the Houston Astros from back in the day:
There’s a small part of me that is sad Norm Chow is coaching the Rainbows because I respect that this man contributed to my college years at USC and has been snubbed for too many head coaching jobs, probably because he is boring. The thing is, he then coached at UCLA and basically committed seppuku in my mind. Chow didn’t get along with Uncle Pete who said “win forever” and surprise, he went to the school formerly known as 50-0. Murder. One block from campus.
In my mind, there could be a two minute period of this game where Hawaii is airing it out and we are a little confused. You know, that 14-7 moment where Kirk Herbstreit is somewhere saying “maybe this is going to be a game” and at that point, Kiffin flips on the nitrous (after huffing some of it) and we run away with this game.
Barkley will get his numbers, Woods will quietly have a big game, Lee will catch one long bomb, McNeal will rack up yards and Silas Redd will get a Coliseum welcome when he gets in the endzone and realizes that’s where Trojans live.
Chow’s West Coast Offense needs athletes to work. Ours are better. And they won’t be dancing before the game. We only dance after we score touchdowns and then get penalized just to make Heidari kick off from further back so it’s actually a challenge for him. He once killed a seagull at the beach with a place kick. He was in Manhattan Beach. The bird was in Malibu. Funniest part? Kiffin told him he could have kicked it better. Arrogant.
Since I started this blog, we have gone back-to-back undefeated in arrogance and there is zero chance that is at stake in this opener. Just to be sure, I am returning for a second year as host of the USC Fall Sports Rally TONIGHT at Galen at 6pm. It’s open to the public and you can see me be handsome alongside our athletic teams. Negrete, Barkley and I will be in the stadium together forming the ultimate triforce of Trojan arrogance. Galen maintenance crews are already reinforcing the ceiling of the arena to make sure it doesn’t explode. Last year Barkley predicted a win at Oregon when I asked him what team he liked beating the most. If you say it in front of the Bearfighter, it will pass.
I will likely go to the 9-0 afterwards to kick it with Arrogant Nation and spill bourbon with you, so feel free to saunter over and don’t be shy. Unless you are a bear, I don’t bite (your face off). If you have always wanted a picture with me or want me to sign a visor or whatever, roll up to me at the stadium, the bar, whatever. When in Troy, do as the Trojans do.
A few quick shout outs to Matt Barkley, one of my favorite dudes on the planet who has introduced so many of you to this, the best blog in the fucking world ever. Sup to Kevin Graff, who I have watched be like 6’5″ since he was eight. Dude is great, so are his brother (thanks for carrying me-literally-around my first high school party), sister (winner, thanks for help in math in high school, I was busy drawing pictures of dead bears and being hell with a pen) and father (dude is a stunt man and gets killed in every action movie since 1987). Sorry Mrs. Graf, you are the best too. As tribute to your family, here is a picture of me drinking bourbon and comparing biceps with Keith (who you may remember Arrogant Nation got to the Super Bowl last year) at a wedding I was the officiant at. Totally sober. We found a wild Malibu bear later and killed it with that champagne glass.
Cheers also Cody Kessler who assures me he is being taught to be arrogant and is off to a great start. Cheers to the players I don’t know as well, come say what up tonight and then we’ll all be first name basis, like it should be.
Finally, cheers to Kyle Negrete, cyborg punter and legend with a scholarship. You and Barkley are humanitarians and bear murderers, that’s fucking arrogant.
USC – 78
Hawaii – Double Rainbow (I don’t know how many points that is, but I am guessing they will have possession as long as the run time of the classic YouTube viral hit and frankly, watching a fat dude on acid freak out in the wilderness about rainbows will be more fun than watching these dudes haka dance their way to a spanking)
It’s hot out. He’s going khakis, white polo, white visor. Mark it.
2 PT CONVERSIONS ATTEMPTED
This is our first date and Chow was once a Trojan before he went clinically insane. I think Kiffin goes for a tasteful one and Barkley just gets arrogant and does it a second time because he invented scotch by way of a time machine.
CYBORG PUNTING SUMMARY
Negrete uses the cyborg leg to punt 3 times, each time just for fun. Average of 45 tasteful yards, each inside the 20. He will also be deciding what kind of facial hair he will be rocking, so we’ll get our first clues.
I’ll be rolling to the game with honorary Trojan (he married in, she’s obviously good-looking) @storefrontjenius, who you should follow. DM me on twitter, FB message me, or text me if you are a lucky recipient of the Bearfigher hotline and maybe we may spill bourbon together.
I will be getting my day started at Lambda Chi and their arrogant tailgate on the row thanks to their gracious offer to host the Bearfighter on this, the Christmas of football season. We’ll be drinking in honor of the death of many Rainbow Warriors, telling bearfighter stories and hopefully some of us lose our faces. Try to get in, work your angles, get into this party if you can because 93% of people who drink with me end up winning their next 27 hands of blackjack. Not kidding.
Remember to hit me up, I may stop by your tailgate en route to the victory if you remind me. Let us all rejoice on this most anticipated of Saturdays.
#FTFO #bearfighter #unfinishedbusiness #partywithzj
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