Kyle Negrete is a modern Ernest Hemingway. A man with no fear of a tussle who is perfecting his craft. His “writing” is kicking the shit out of a football. You could call him hell with a foot. The Hemingway reference is easy to draw as I think about his origin as a punter (at least the version I am telling you right now). Like in “The Old Man and The Sea”, Kyle was out trying to catch some fish. Unlike the book, he didn’t really want fish, that was just the excuse he made to get on the fishing boat owned by rich, Bruin alumni.
Twenty miles out to see he went all Bourne on them and gave them a choice: swim to shore or be punted off the boat violently. Being Bruins, five minutes later Kyle was the skipper of the USS Bearshark (he renamed it by writing the name on the hull in bear blood, it was awesome because his handwriting is naturally in Helvetica).
He went deep into the Pacific looking for sharks. The chum he was throwing overboard was not working. The sharks were crazy, fucking smart and the only option was to make them an offer they couldn’t refuse. Kyle is no joke and knew they wanted human flesh. He regretted making the Bruins leave, but a man like Kyle doesn’t just give up when there’s no dead Bruins laying around. A man like Kyle engineers a solution.
Kyle just dangled his leg in the water while putting on a pair of boxing gloves. He was eating prime rib just before and used the leftover au jus mixed with SPF 100 to scent his leg. The boat cruised through the Pacific until one shark finally couldn’t take it. Punter Leg is a delicacy unmatched in the shark community, especially when it is scented with beef jus and sunblock. Surfer leg is a regional treat, of course, but Punter Leg is the Kobe beef of the leg world. This one shark couldn’t take it and fell into Kyle’s trap.
The shark bit hard on Kyle’s leg, just as he had planned. Calmly, Kyle started boxing the shark delivering jabs, crosses and rabbit punches in rapid succession. Picture it. A man using his own leg for bait boxing the head of a great white wearing boxing gloves to ensure it was a fair fight. After three rounds, Negrete was victorious. Unfortunately, there was very little left of his leg. He didn’t care. He finally had the shark to mount in his apartment which would really tie the room together and great men go on great quests for small pleasures all the time. Just wait until your friends start having bachelor parties. You’ll know what I mean. Or just watch the original Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle.
People don’t realize this is the reason Negrete left his career as a linebacker at University of San Diego, the very spot the Bearfighter found a wife to share his bear pelts and caviar with.
He wandered the Southland for months perfecting his mustache and ability to pull off a peacoat in this climate. Then, when he was out proving that a one-legged man could in fact win an ass-kicking contest (he won by a large margin), he ran into Lane Kiffin in Manhattan Beach. It was like a scene from an early 90s sports movie. Kiffin saw the potential, not just the bearkilling blood in his veins.
Kiffin, not unlike what happened to Wolverine, had proprietary future technology he wanted to suggest to Negrete. To create a super-punter, literally the boot from the future, Kiffin knew he needed to combine a linebacker with his space-age robotic prosthetic that he had stolen from the SEC Laboratory for Football Innovations, a facility dedicated to outfitting SEC teams with the kind of tools necessary to play football games that end in low scoring affairs you usually see in hockey or baseball.
Deep beneath Bovard (oh what, you didn’t know about the surgical center there? I used to break in and use IVs to cure my hangovers while at USC way before the Hangover Heaven bus in Vegas) Negrete survived the surgery and joined the football team as the world’s first cyborg linebacking punter.
It all seemed innocuous, his ability to consistently place the punts wherever the fuck he wanted. Until we were playing Washington and Lane Kiffin wanted to put his creation to the test. He called a fake punt which set Negrete’s cyborg kill switch to engage. After easily using his cyborg speed to run for the first down, he decided to run over a hapless Husky defender in what might have been the signature punting moment in the history of recorded sport.
Linebacker. Punter. Cyborg. Mustache. Hero. Weapon.
These are the words that define Kyle Negrete, the first robot I have ever had the pleasure to call a friend. I am terrified with the quality of our offense this year that our cyborg linebacker punter will be under-utilized and frankly his robotic talents must be brought squarely into the limelight (limelight recharges the solar component of his cyborg leg and also helps him use the stars to triangulate exactly where he wants to drop the punts).
That is why this season along with my traditional Arrogant Score Prediction, Kiffin Outfit Predictions and Two Point Conversion Predictions, I will be arming the Arrogant Game Recaps with the Kyle Negrete Predator Drone Blast Chart.
Kyle’s cyborg launched punts contain artificial intelligence and more closely resemble the predator drones our military use to fight terrorists, so punts will be forever referred to as predator drones. I have been doing this directly to Kyle on Twitter and we both feel it is accurate.
WARNING: If you see Kyle on campus, DO NOT TOUCH his robot launcher leg without his permission. It has a complicated anti-attack system that could cause him to inadvertently punt you all the way to LA Live. If you want to touch the leg, ask him politely so he can disengage counter measures.
Onto New Business:
Today is the last day to order from OUR STORE and have it shipped for the Hawaii game (please refer to our delivery schedule on the site for timings regarding future purchases, same deal as last year). In honor of Bane Kiffin plugging the Bearfighter himself into his meme and in honor of Kyle Negrete and his Predator Drones, we’re releasing a one day only $5 off coupon code you can rock to get swag on the cheap. I know you all need to buy beer and bourbon for the season, so I am doing my part.
The code is DRONE and you enter it at checkout. Thank Bane Kiffin and Kyle for that, just don’t touch his leg. I warned you.
CLICK HERE TO JOIN ME ON FACEBOOK
FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER BECAUSE I TWEET PROFESSIONALLY
I’M ON INSTAGRAM @LOSTANGELESBLOG – FIND ME ON GAMEDAY FOR BOURBON