Hey, I just met you and this is crazy…
Jim Mora, new UCLA coach, I barely know you at this point and already, I love you. We’ve suffered through Karl Dorrell, who even winning a game against us that cost us a title bid didn’t stand out enough to make me hate him. We had our fun with Rick, who was just so boring and awful that the only time I had anything to write about was when he got carried off the field in celebration of leading the worst team in history to ever play in a bowl. I need a drink just thinking about that.
You’ve barely been here and already, you’ve got a friend in me. You are going to give me plenty to write about.
Let’s get you all caught up. Jim Mora, as cited by the LA Times, was recruiting by radio on the Roger Lodge show (which was his first mistake, who runs a 4.4 and listens to that asshole?) and cited the advantage of going to school in Westwood by saying, “We don’t have murders a block from our campus”.
Now, most connected this to the tragic murder of two Chinese grad students near our campus last spring, but Mora deflected saying that “I just said our campus is safe. I didn’t say anything about anyone else’s campus. I didn’t mention another campus. We don’t have anybody getting murdered a block off of our campus. If anybody, whether USC or Cal State San Bernardino is offended by the statement, then that’s their insecurity, not mine.”
I mean, nothing screams “secure” like citing “not-getting murdered” as a pro of coming to play for their school. I mean, damn. If only my back-up schools had promised me I wouldn’t get murdered, I might not have even been a Trojan…
Of course when told about the Chinese grad students, Mora said he doesn’t read the papers or know about that stuff, which at least to this genius would make it hard for him to know if anyone was getting murdered anywhere unless he listens to police radio in his free time. I wonder if he knows what year it is? Probably not if he took the UCLA job.
This is a baby jab he’s throwing way, way, way after the fact. Look. We’re needing someone from our walk-on crew to give back a scholarship to accommodate the 1,000 yard rusher that just transferred to USC from Penn State. I am not totally sure who he is recruiting against here. Our class is full and it’s more loaded than a chain restaurant baked potato. We’re done, bro. Recruit the leftovers. Leave us to our 5 star prospects, hot coeds and increasingly valuable degrees.
Let’s get one thing straight before I crack my knuckles and sock your nose, it’s not cool to make light of murders anywhere, especially of students, especially for the goal of football recruiting. This is kind of the same mentality that, I dunno, kept Penn State from reporting child rape. Football is second to life/death. Even I wouldn’t try to capitalize on the murder of innocent UCLA students. That’s just creepster weird, Jim.
If you want to throw a punch, expect the Bearfighter to hit you back. I have the audience and I just sit on my porch all day waiting for wounded ducks like this. See if you like how I hit back…
Let’s be clear. There was a murder one block from the USC campus you forgot to mention. It was that time your football team got murdered in front of 90,000 people at the Coliseum by a score of 50-0. Being that you traveled a full team, that was a serial killing. That was a massacre. I guess we’re no better than you. We used that murder to recruit too. That’s the difference between you guys and us, Jim. You recruit by saying you won’t get murdered on campus. We recruit by saying that we’ll murder you guys on our football field.
Which pitch resonates to a bad ass high school football player who wants to go next level?
Also, who are you recruiting by negative recruiting USC right now? We have the top class, we’re done. We’re lighting up a post dinner cigarette drinking port and discussing foreign films. Everyone we wanted, we have and they never paid any attention to you in the first place. In lieu of having on field performance to cite, your play to undecideds on why they should come to UCLA is “they won’t get murdered?”
Can you imagine if you went to a job interview and and you asked what the company was like and they told you “Well, you won’t get murdered in the parking lot”? Don’t you guys have a school that covers marketing or anything?
I mean, look, I’ll give you that Westwood is safe, but a publicist got killed on Sunset in her luxury car a year ago. One of the most famous murder tragedies happened in Westwood in 1988 when a gang shootout took the life of an innocent bystander. This killing literally still has an effect on the area as Westwood used to be a shopping destination like 3rd Street, but a decade of people fearing Westwood wasn’t actually safe wasn’t good.
That said, you’re right. When I went to Diddy Riese in high school (that was the last time waiting in line for cookies and milk made sense) I felt no fear of being murdered. I felt very safe surrounded by people waiting an hour for a cookie and some milk. You aren’t lying about that.
This is Los Angeles. It’s America’s second largest city. You can get killed here anytime. And it’s so much easier to see how you died when you wear white uniforms to the Coliseum.
I mean, look. You’re right. UCLA players won’t get murdered one block from campus. Your stadium is so damn far from campus that you’ll be getting murdered in Pasadena, which even my elementary level geography skills tell me is further than a block from Westwood.
By the way, when you bring recruits there, probably don’t show them the wall where it lists the Rose Bowl Champions of years passed because it literally has our name on it so much it looks like USC-themed Christmas wrapping paper.
And enough with all the “hood” chatter. Wherever USC is, our students and student-athletes love it. My goal for college was not to live in Beverly Hills. It was to put some miles on my odometer and learn to be hell with a pen and get along with everybody. I used to party off 23rd and hang out with locals at Lee’s Liquor Mart a decade ago and everyone was awesome. They made me a freak with a quill. They don’t serve bear meat in Westwood. You have to hunt it off Menlo.
USC makes our community better and that’s why everyone who got in on a loft in 2001 downtown didn’t notice the real estate collapse in 2008. They were too busy doubling their money. Like I said, I didn’t want to go to school in Beverly Hills. I balled out at USC and then moved to Beverly Hills because I got a good job and wanted to ACTUALLY live there.
We love where USC is and we’re fine with you guys showing up once every two years to get murdered one block away by the ScienCenter, the Natural History Museum and the Rose Garden. At least the police know who to question because the beating is on television.
And let’s keep it real. You know what it looks like a few blocks from our campus? This:
I am sure the recruits that you are going after hate seeing this kind of thing. I know I don’t.
Let’s talk about murder some more, Coach Mora. Let’s talk about your outfit here, because you are totally killing it.
You’re wearing your prep school khaki shorts you don’t currently fit in. It’s okay to wear them that high if you are a rich kid going to the Hamptons. It’s not cool when you are hanging around with a bunch of dudes all day like a creepy uncle. Also, what’s with the long sleeves? It’s called summer, we have it every day in this region of the world. These recruits you don’t want to think will get murdered aren’t going to trust a man who wears a long sleeve shirt, ankle socks and thigh-high khakis in the middle of summer. You seem more like a murderer than everyone but that guy in blue in the background who’s staring off into the distance. He’s hiding something.
Jim. Can I call you Jim? Since you are new here, I’m going to chalk this up to insensitivity with the faintest soupçon of classism-slash-racism. If you want to beat us in recruiting, beat us on the field. Do it a lot. Start small. With a touchdown. Then, when in a position where you need to petition the NCAA to let you into a bowl game even though you would tie the worst record of a bowl team ever, don’t do it. And if you do, don’t lose and own the solo title of worst bowl team in history. Of football.
These things matter more to recruits than whether or not they will get murdered at college. Especially when this is on the edge of our campus:
We want you to be good again. We get sold a rivalry game with you every year, so why is it we’re always so much more excited to play Oregon, Notre Dame, Stanford (that hurts), Washington… Shit, any other team…
Go back to “not reading the paper or watching the news” or whatever you said and pull your foot out of your mouth long enough to teach your team to get in the endzone at least once. And next time you want to try to make football gains by bringing up a tragic killing of two students looking to receive their education, don’t. It’s the kind of classless act your students have spent years trying to say we thrive on, the “University of Spoiled Children”. What does that make you, Jim? Coach of the University of Cruelty Loving Assholes?
I have a lot of Bruins I call friends and co-workers and I am positive they would disagree with your tactics and would much prefer you recruit with a win or two on the field, not a tasteless ploy on the radio. I have enough faith in the Bruin Nation that they’d like a recruit to come to UCLA to be a “Son of Westwood” because they’d see it as an honor, not because their coach told them they were less likely to get murdered there. I have enough faith in them that they don’t think two grad students murdered in cold blood should be a recruiting tactic.
Speaking of classless, I am going to go now. I just ordered a lobster holding a bone-in filet in each claw and it’s super hard to get Mastro’s and Providence to coordinate.
See you on Death Row come November, friend-o.
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