This season consistently surprises me. Literally, every time I think it can’t get any worse, it ties me to a chair and urinates on me. I never thought looking at a hot blonde girl dress like an asshole could be so boring, but at this point I literally would pay hard earned US American dollars to get Hey Bear back to do a dance routine in some vaguely Asian market somewhere.
But hey, let’s talk about this week. [fart noise]
If you have a friend who likes to go to Europe and then come back and brag to you, you probably already know that Croatia is so hot right now. Croatia. So hot right now. While the poor rich kids are trying to cross off their Europe bucket list of taking Instagrams eating a baguette in Paris, drinking in a pub in London, smoking weed in a coffee shop in Amsterdam and eating tapas in Madrid, the really rich asshole is talking about next level shit like sleeping on a boat in the islands around Croatia and having sex with Aussie tourists that don’t give a shit about things like “STDs” and “alcohol poisoning”. In terms of Europe, Croatia is the new Prague (or as your asshole jetsetting roommate called it “Praha”, but despite that attention to detail I PROMISE YOU they still pronounce Chipotle as “Chi pol tay” like it isn’t a fucking phonetic word).
So with Croatia being so dope these days, what does ABC do? Hide Croatia under a deluge of bullshit product placements and lazy production work. When the star is boring, the crew gets bored and eventually, everyone just says “forget the helicopters, hot tubs and adventure let’s just [insert fart noise].”
Let’s just rip this band aid off and hope next week is better.
We start in beautiful D’breadsticks, Croatia with it’s old world charm and Game of Thrones architecture. It is also a place seemingly devoid of humans. Just well lit castles. From the beginning, you got the sense when Croatia signed up to host the show, they hadn’t seen it. Then they watched it and were like, yeah, you can’t go to the beaches or we’ll lose the drunken Aussies. Here. You can go to D’breadsticks and figure it the fuck out. It’s creepy there. Enjoy. Don’t let the locals steal your teeth when you sleep.
Chris Harrison was nowhere to be found, either because he’s not allowed back in this part of Europe or when he was told he was going to D’breadsticks and not some dope beach with drugs, he just stabbed a producer and skydived out of the plane flashing the middle finger the whole way up. Or he was busy getting divorced. Either way. This season lacks Chris and helicopters and I hate Lady Veneers for it. And all of West Virginia. And Ricki. I don’t care that she’s a child. I want my Bach to be #bachtastic.
Veneers says it’s going to be really hard leaving Ricki Bobbi at home, but honestly eventually there’s gonna be some sex and Ricki is already messed up enough from this show. I don’t need her in the fantasy suites. Same time, REALLY GLAD you had to mention her, Emily. I almost forgot you had a kid in between title cards of you holding your kid in a sun drenched field. Wait, are you a mom? On a scale of one to ten, we fucking get it already.
Date one is with Travis, who I don’t even think has been interesting enough to give a nickname yet. He reminds me of the catcher from Major League II who can’t throw the ball back to the mound and has to memorize Playboy to not overthink even the simplest actions. But I am guessing most of you haven’t seen it (but it’s on HBO On Demand right now so maybe take a peek and then swoon at how fucking right I am basically all the time about everything. Yes you can touch me. Five dollars.)
He had the egg, but somehow it never go creepy enough to harp on. Whatever.
They had a KILLER date planned with no helicopters. Thanks. I got an idea. Let’s literally just walk around town and say nothing. Let’s dance for 8 seconds with some random ass band the producers probably flew in from Disney World, Orlando and then let’s cut right to dinner. Yeah, Travis. You are totally getting the rose, bud.
At dinner, I blacked out from boredom. Travis talked about how his engagement broke up (who fails at being engaged? why even get engaged if you aren’t going to go thru with it? I have long felt the word “fiancee” was punishment meant to speed up marriage. ”wife” is so much easier to say. everyone sounds like an asshole when they say fiancee).
Anyway, Chompers cut Travis, no rose, tough shit. Scrambled Eggs is his nickname now, too bad he’s dead to all of us. Seems nice enough. Hope he finds love like the rest of us, as in, not on television with a woman who got a shitty Croatian spray tan and turned orange for no apparent reason.
Group date was the worst product placement for the ABC family of all time. It was Disney/Pixar’s Brave, which I am stoked to see. If I wasn’t so down to watch the film, I would have probably flipped my screen onto the ground and dumped everything in my refrigerator on it.
The ABC overlords made the dudes watch Brave in some old theatre, we had to watch them eat popcorn (Strawberry Lemonade eats like a weird teenage girl) and then discuss the characters. Sweet. At least Lady Veneers tried to have sex with Kermit during the Muppet integration. This was just annoying and pointless. ABC, we get it, she’s a mom, but you are only allowed one of these things a season. We know it costs a lot to pay Harrison’s bail money and coke debts, but keep it real. We allow one shameless plug for your intellectual property. This has been two and if Mickey shows up as the chaperon for the fantasy suites, I am going to Big Thunder Mountain Railroad and leaving dead fish all over it. And Space Mountain. No one expects the Muppets.
So after the film, they do the most traditional Croatian activity of all. Put on Scottish kilts and compete in the highland games, even the the highlands are not in Croatia. Disney, no wonder our children grow up dumb. ”Mr. Geography Teacher, you’re wrong. Braveheart was about Croatia, I saw it on the Bachelor”. Derp.
So to make amends to Croatia, the dudes have to ride to the games on donkeys, because that is traditional for Croats I guess. Perfect, ABC. Problem solved.
Then they faked Chompers being able to shoot an arrow and showed that Spidermehhh is the worst athlete ever to be filmed. They had to shoot arrows, do a caber toss with a bullshit baby caber and then point their junk at each other while wearing skirts and then pull on a wood log (so manly). Check out what a real caber looks like:
Bigger, right? By like a football field. Way to take the training wheels off, ABC. This season is less extreme than an old person eating oatmeal. Spidermehhh got the “you’re a total bitch” cup and I think buried that hatchet with Dad when he challenged him to something or other. Derp.
Night section was a waste of my time except for the ultimate One Direction moves. He literally pulled the “first of all get under my blanket” move and slowly sprinkles more “I’m into boys” into his game. Then he said “can I tell you something? you are so friggin hot” and my wife and I had to put off plans to have children until the 2020s because my sperm count vanished. Thanks One Direction and congrats on looking like a toilet bowl cleaner. Girls, never trust a guy who asks if he can tell you that you are “friggin” anything. If he dresses great and knows what a Chloe bag is too, just be weary.
Spidermehhh gets the rose. Don’t care why.
Final date is Filibuster, who I gave the perfect nickname to. Bear witness to my greatness. Look upon my scribblings and gasp, for I am the great prognosticator. I can spot a douche from a mile away. You really should send me questions about your personal life. I will solve them. (for those that did, I am on it).
We got to see Filibuster’s grooming ritual. He really goes big with that beard. The last time I spent so long grooming myself, I got in a limo afterwards and went to prom. He picked out some turquoise shoes. He gave himself some compliments. All of it was useless because earlier in the show he was wearing a woman’s tank top. That thing was insane. I feel like some dudes had that in 2003, but most of us knew better. Not Filibuster. He knows nothing but the fact he needs to just keep repeating his mission over and over and it will eventually come true. Dude should replace Romney on the Republican ticket. Obama vs Filibuster would be the most entertaining election ever, politics aside. I am entertainment first. I endorse this message.
So they went oystering (which isn’t a word) on their date and at one point they spoke to an old guy with no teeth. I could watch Filibuster talk to toothless Croatians all day. It would be better than Frozen Planet. It was the best. He will not break his game for anything. They got on the boat and were going to eat an oyster and Lady Veneers could not take it. We were treated to the most awkwardly sexual scene I have ever seen where Filibuster commanded her to swallow the oyster until she eventually walked away and spit it off the side of the boat and then told the captain it was delicious. I felt uncomfortable being that just ten minutes before I was being sold Disney’s Brave and hearing about Emily being a mother.
Filibuster kept calling her a trophy wife and then for dinner she dressed like a trophy just in time for Filibuster to read her a list of the 11 commandments of being his wife. I really enjoyed this list and am considering having it emblazoned on a plate to give my wife for our anniversary (just kidding, I am taking her to Hawaii and we’re riding a helicopter, no I am not kidding). Emily was making faces like she was passing a kidney stone that knows karate.
So she dumped him.
ENTER THE FILIBUSTER. I have never seen the move on this show before where someone just says “fuck it, I am going to keep talking”. He was like the villain in a horror movie. She had to kill him eight fucking times. It was great. Filibuster filibusterted until his dying breath where he caught a cab and said some crazy shit. Then he said the guys would miss him cut against shots of the guys celebrating his show death. Hunger Games, bitch.
The real topping on the taco was that homeboy said something about the dudes cutting the show portraying him right, not like some arrogant fuck. The editors showed how much they actually hated him by making a point of showing his “true self” was the kind of guy who shaves a beard like that, wears blue shoes and writes lists for a future wife.
Adios, bud. Thanks for the entertainment. Might get hard to watch without you. Cue the David Guetta.
Speed Racer sneaks out to the bomb shelter Lady Veneers was living in to make out and tell her if she hadn’t dumped Ryan, he’d have told her too. Kiss ass.
Rose ceremony was boring. Landon Datavan showed he was a good dude with the death card speech. Dad was super creep about hugs and kisses and then did one of those I’m-gonna-lose-better-start-crying-about-my-kid things.
The real surprise was that with one rose left, Emily went out back to interrupt Chris Harrison blowing lines off a producer’s neck to change the rules. She comes in with no rose and makes it out like both Landon Datavan and Dad are going home, but GUESS WHAT? Harrison comes in buzzin’ with two roses and she keeps them both. HOORAY!
They are off to Prague (or Praha as your asshole roommate said) and if there is no helicopter soon, I fear I may retire at season’s end. I need some more chaos.
Like the fact I was totally right that this is all an act. Check out THIS US WEEKLY report that Ricki’s grandparents hate Lady Veneers now for dragging their grandkid into this whole mess and how everyone says she is a diva now. What really bums me out is not that she is a diva, it’s that she is not being crazy with that power. If you are a diva, be ridiculous. DO SOMETHING. PLEASE. SOMETHING WITH A PROPELLER THAT FLIES. KTHXBAI.
Here’s another great shot from reader Vicky (who has more education than I received). Send in a pic that flatters me like this and I’ll put you in here. I will accept that rose.
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