On this very special Memorial Day, I chose to remember all the fallen suitors over the past couple of seasons. Just kidding, I went to a baseball game with my wife and we drank beer and ate meat in tube form and sang the national anthem. That’s how we do it, America. Then we went home and watched Bachelorette and in a way, the terrorists won.
Hope you enjoyed the long weekend more than the contestants are about to. Clip’s full, let’s unload some shells.
Lady Veneers was in bed in the beginning of the episode to show us that she is just like the rest of us. Like all of us, an odd 38 year old doppleganger mother brings us a plate of hummus, meat and vegetables in bed so that we may eat virtually carb-less before we even take off the make-up we pretended to sleep in. Traditional as Thanksgiving Dinner, right?
I just had to ask, where was the power sander they use to keep those chompers so white?
I hate the trend in this show where the producers make the dudes say something after they read what’s on a date card. I mean, I laughed at how close to 70s pornography it came when the card read something like “come close to my heart” and I think Filibuster was like “that I can do”. It’s just that now when they write anything, the dude has to be like “blurrrrhghg”. I can’t deal with a totally throw away sentence. I talk a lot, but I feel like there’s a point most of the time. When someone reads a note that’s like “fly with Angels” and then they say “I’m just happy to fly anywhere with an angel like her” I am pretty sure ten shelter puppies die.
So, the first date went to Spidermehhhh, who still looked like Toby is he was swinging on a web and then went face first into a brick wall. I got to hear the hot new catch phrase of “I’m so happy to be here” eight times as they walked through Charlotte which I never knew until now looks like Gotham City from the “shitty Batman years”:
They get to a wall and down come the rope climbing apparatuses. Too perfect, right? Spidermehhhh has to climb a wall. They lock into the harnesses and start going up the wall super slow and awkward. Lady Veneers clearly had to sign a deal where she had to be fun once every 3 weeks which was tough because that meant every three weeks we’d miss the zany antics of Half Damon substitute teaching at a children’s homeless shelter. YOU ARE ON THE BACHELORETTE DON’T TRY TO SAVE THE WORLD JUST RIDE A HELICOPTER GET WASTED ON OAKY CHARDONNAY AND MAKE A MISTAKE IN A HOT TUB. kthxbai.
Anyway, they are climbing this building and Spidermehhh sucks at it. Lady Veneers has the mandatory “I don’t think I can do this” moment and then Spidermehhh is like “I’ll be there in a second to help you, derp” and then he can’t figure it out. So they just climb up and he doesn’t kiss her. He even had a lightning storm. I’d say the no kiss was a nice slow-roll but it was a no-roll since she gave him an in.
Meh. Some talk about him being young. I considered making a smoothie out of Drain-O and Comet. More lightning. Then they go downstairs for a Luke Bryan concert and this asshole knew the words which in my mind made him an asshole. I know now from my wife who listens to music besides dubstep remixes of disco songs (I know what the ladies like) that this guy is popular and if you like country you probably know the words. I’m sorry. Ladies, good life lesson. If I guy likes country music first, he will expect you to cook and probably try to box you one night when he finds his old high school football trophy and wonders what his life has become. Just marry the guy who still tries to go to Coachella into his 40s because at least there’s no surprises. I think we’re all just trying to feel comfortable with the kind of douches we are. Don’t be country douche, even if the blonde with fake boobs and chompers likes country. Believe me, she liked Brad. If you told her industrial goth rock was what you were into, she’d support it so long as you were vaguely racist and gave her that minivan full of babies (which gets creepier each time I say it).
So Spidermehhh forgot that Spiderman won all the girls over by just kissing Dunst upside down and actually asked Emily if he could kiss her “at the end of this song”. What’s next? ”Can we procreate after this re-run of Grey’s Anatomy?” Kill me now. Way to NOT look like a 25 year old who has never been with a hot girl before. You can’t say you are mature and ask for a kiss once a song ends. Even that asshole last season made out with Hey Bear when they were at the Bellagio fountain in Vegas. And that guy cried at PS I Love You.
The rest of this date ended with Spidermehhh delusional in believing he was special and that Lady Veneers had an unbreakable bond, the kind only forged in the hot steel of a boring climb up a building in which you couldn’t give her the standard “mid-air reassurance hug” OR the “we just climbed something, let’s suck face”. See how that works out for you, brah.
Team date. Sweet!
Chompers came out in a green top that was like “boobs” and then all the dudes showed up in the park and what better place to find love than in a park…
Emily came out and we saw how there is zero correlation between having an athletic body and being an athlete. The last time I saw people throwing footballs like that was 9th grade powder puff practice. Also, every dude is bringing back the look (that I don’t think was ever in) of like a shirt way too tight for their shorts, almost like they had Under Armour on, which again might make sense if they threw a football at least at 14 year old girl level.
Shit was like a V-Neck convention in Williamsburg (Brooklyn, not Virginia).
So Emily let’s us know that instead of helicopters (again), we get to bring back her lame ass friends including random Indian lady and beef jerky, who I am now calling Chelsea Manhandler. I mean this chick was so scary. I was being nice calling her beef jerky. It was so much worse than that. She made the facial moves of an old farmer who has changed the way he moves his mouth to avoid involuntarily spitting tobacco on people coming to buy his crops. That and when she made Strawberry Lemonade take his shirt off (yes, that’s what I am calling the random blonde guy who gets a really red face) she looked the way women look at coffee shops when you know they have 50 Shades of Grey on their Kindles.
Side note, I’ve read a few excerpts. Girls, if you can read this crap, stop bothering your boyfriend about his porn. If porn is string cheese, you guys are making burrata from scratch with that book. No double standards.
Speaking of double standards, Filibuster had a great episode and by great I mean I think he slips quaaludes to goats and takes them out to dinner. First of all, what made him decide to shave an evil beard? Did you guys see that? It was full on the Seneca Crane.
On top of that bold choice, he continued his awful game (that works on many girls) of just sort of bumrushing her and not letting anyone else talk. His strategy is noble, like that of the light brigade who charged boldly into the fray with little hope of survival, in that he is simply going to play the odds that he can box out every other man, despite the fact that the show is designed to foil this plan. I guess how smart do you expect a guy who shaves a Seneca Crane beard to be?
Then, in a move WE ALL KNOW works wonders, he told Lady Veneers that if she got fat he’d still love her but not love ON her, right in front of her miserable friends. This is so aggressive I thought it might even work. I don’t think it will long run. Filibuster is a meat puppet. His fall will be delicious.
I blacked out most of the other conversations and the part where kids came out to play just because I couldn’t deal with Chelsea Manhandler any more and also, it just seems weird to me that on this show mothers sign release forms to let their kids play with suitors.
The night part of the date was brutal because Dad was basically like “hey, my story is so depressing you will need that ridiculously overfilled goblet of oaky chard to get through it” and while I liked Dad more for his foster home story, Emily’s tears were a sign that he’d gone into the friend zone. You bought yourself some time, but save the sob story truth until she is into it. He’s legit a tough dude and seems like a great guy, but just from a strategic place, you want to wait longer. He’s been all “my kids, my sob story”. He needs to be like “I want to make babies with you” and then it’s like “how do you know you can handle it” and he’s like “my father was an orc who died in Middle Earth and I raised myself amongst the hobbits and eventually saved the day” and she’d be like, “damn I thought you just lifted weights” and then he’s like “no, Chompers. I lift nations”.
I just got fired up.
Strawberry Lemonade got the rose, right? I forgot.
All I know is that Barry Manilow self destructed for no apparent reason. He said his kid was sad he was gone, but Dad AND Chompers both told him that five year olds don’t remember the dump they just took, so let’s keep it real. Barry Manilow wanted to go home. He wore a really awkward sweater and the awkwardness was too much and he had to get home to his kid who didn’t need him at home at all. Something else was up with this dude (besides the sweater). I guess we’ll never know and I am pretty sure I’ll forget about it before I finish this… what was I talking about?
Kudos to Lady Veneers though for basically saying “Dude, I’d make you stay but you aren’t winning so yeah, maybe kick it with your kid because I am not intending to adopt him”. Cold shit, Chompers. Like novocaine, which you are intimately familiar with.
Final date card went to Speed Racer, who I’ve said from the get-go had an inside track. He’s a rare blend of extreme sportsman and total puss. For a girl like Lady Veneers, it could be too much to handle. His hair gives One Direction a run for its money.
It was easy to tell how Emily felt about Speed Racer because, well, she went with the asset-enhancing sweater/cowboy boots/non existent jean shorts look which typically works on dudes that haven’t dated cowgirls before.
Lady Veneers has effectively replaced the helicopter with the far more boring private plan as they puddle hop around the scenic armpit of the USA. I mean, didn’t Ricki Bobbi’s dad die in a plane crash? Like, on Brad’s season being at the racetrack fucked her head up, but now she can date a race car driver and fly tiny planes around the south? Lost.
And what better place to be lost than DOLLYWOOD!
A celebration of country music, roller coasters and places I will probably never go, Speed Racer and Chompers roll around Dollywood continuing her tour of places this poor bastard will have to hang out at if he wins her heart. Then, in SHOCKING FORM, Dolly Parton herself came out to surprise Emily. You never expect the Muppets.
This was actually a great moment. Besides the fact that Speed Racer can’t dance, Emily was so excited I was actually happy with her and you kind of have to respect Dolly for being 200 years old, a silicon pioneer and faithful to her man. She also, subsequently, sings awesome and is a delight in most movies she’s in. I was happy for everyone.
Ironically, Emily (just as she had done to Brad), basically locked up with Arie and this shit is over for now. Only One Direction has the kind of game required to deal with what Speed Racer did. She was super into that shit. It was even more obvious at the cocktail party.
Cinnamon was amazing when he told Emily it would be a compromise to adopt Ricki. I thought it was language barrier at first, but then was delighted when he smiled like a moron and said “no language barrier, fuck your baggage”. She kicked him off and got super upset and Speed Racer took the inside lane to a makeout sesh. Dude is icing the competition and Filibuster hated it. He was speaking like this shit was Gladiator. I can’t wait to see where this goes. Filibuster is a walking Viagra side-effect and Arie is the opposite. Should be fun for us.
Don’t care about the egg smashing. Nothing fun to say.
The Talented Mr. Lipstick proved the producers have a say in who says in the bottom half of the rose ceremony because after his wildly douchetastic “I love the sound of your voice but let me finish talking” Emily was out. Still, this douche got a rose. Somewhere, Bentley is stoked because at least that asshole might be fun to golf or have a beer with. Talented Mr. Lipstick is the biggest asshole ever, and I don’t mean he’s a jerk. I mean asshole like “who the fuck is this clown shoes MFer” kind of asshole.
Party MC got his record scratched. He seemed fine. At least it’s a short flight to Jersey.
You know where to find me (add me on these social links below) and I’ll see you next week when maybe there’s a freaking helicopter or hot tub.
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