Welcome back readers. I have been on a long journey since we last spoke. I’ve taken a helicopter tour of the world and rappeled off of every bridge I could find no matter how small, large or Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom. I’ve been to exotic Asian markets and painted shit on lanterns and kites and made people translate for me. I’ve pretended to eat dinner while drinking bad Chardonnay. I’ve gone on a journey to find an answer to a burning question (not that burning question, I’m sure it’s just razor burn).
Why do you guys read this? How have I become the destroyer of contestants, the scourge of showrunners? What makes these recaps unique.
Then I saw Party MC in his Inland Empire suit calling the guy who arrived in a helicopter “Helicopter Guy” three hundred times and realized that you need me. You need a man who is not afraid of calling people awful things for the purpose of entertainment.
Tactically, there was a huge concern with this season. Emily Maynard is pretty much an impenetrable fortress of boring ass hotness. She’s all southern belle and besides the fact that she stole Jim Carrey’s dentures from The Mask, she’s pretty much an awful person to make fun of. Every year I miss Ali, the Muppet, who could not stop making whining noises or frying her extensions or dressing like a highlighter. This year, we get a hot, boring sort-of-widow with a kid who rarely pops off and comes off dumb.
So what do I do? What do you think I’ll do. Let’s tear this asshole apart.
I mean, the resemblance is there. Don’t get me wrong, Emily is hot and I think we’d all be fine with the fact that 75 percent of her face was installed by a dentist. I’m not perfect either. But when picking on someone like her, best to stay superficial. We wouldn’t want to tap into the fact that she gave birth into the richest family in all of NASCAR or calling her a hypocrite for being so “I would never be the Bachelorette or do anything to mess with Ricki Bobby” and then “being the Bachelorette and sticking Ricki Bobby on a swing set wearing a shirt with her name on it before letting her get rid of a bunch of red balloons to further fuck with the already-fragile-from-NASCAR-fumes ozone above North Carolina”. Heavens no.
If we pick on Emily, the well-mannered orally armed hot boring girl, we’re going to do it for her teeth. I thought Lady Veneers would do the trick. I mean, she is a lady after all.
Okay. Let’s get our Bach on.
First off, as I say every season, I hate the first couple episodes because it’s like, why do I need to get to know these guys so well? I mean, let’s be honest, the minute I met the one African-American from LA on the show, as much as I wanted to get to know him (mostly because he kept talking about how attractive being a single mother was and I was gonna call him Mom Fetish and everything), I know that this is the Bachelorette and unless your name is Ro-bear-toe, you are not going to win the Hunger Games. It’s racist. Let’s just put that out there.
Also, sorry in advance to Portuguese Cinnamon, the Brazillian guy who kept looking at Lady Veneers boobs even when she said “gracias” confusing Brazilians for Spanish speakers. Sorry also to Pablo Escobar, the nerdy guy from Medellin via San Francisco who thought this was 1998 and just kept speaking Spanish to impress Lady Veneers. Newsflash. You don’t live in North Carolina because you like diversity. I’d be working the other angle Alejandro. Say your mother named you after the Lady Gaga song and that you just want to learn to love American football and Thanksgiving and killing terrorists. The Spanish thing worked when “La Vida Loca” was big. At this point, we’re just looking for non-douches of any race.
Lady Veneers intro was as boring as she was. She just kept talking about how hard life is and walking around her ridiculously expensive 8 level house and tucking Ricki into a bed nicer than I could afford until about a year ago. I mean it looks like all she does is spend Hendricks racing money and drive a white Denali to pilates and back. Seems rough. And please stop with the “men don’t crowd around me at the super market”. That’s because they are too busy tripping from rubbernecking at you. I have to call it like I see it. She’s single because she wants to be and she is the Bachelorette because she wants attention. SHE WAS ENGAGED TO ONE OF THE RICHEST RACING FAMILIES IN THE HISTORY OF PUTTING GAS IN AUTOMOBILES.
Harrison showed up stoked about Alejandro getting on the show, his personal dealer from Medellin. He also was stoked because nothing is trippier on acid than going to a new Bachelor mansion built in Charlotte that looks exactly like the one in LA. He was triple stoked because by the end of this season, he will be the one making babies to fill up Lady Veneers minivan. He touched her a lot.
The weirdest part was when he interviewed her (after she stared blankly into like fifty sunsets) and was trying to get her to be emotional about her dead rich fiance. He really laid it on, not that she cried or showed human emotion. He was all “so when he died, calling your name on an exploding plane filled with orphans and humanitarian aid and the codes to deactiviate an Iranian nuclear device, were you sad?” Harrison, you left your wedding ring on, but you don’t have to pretend it’s the one from Lord of the Rings. You don’t have to be evil.
Anyway, we met a few nerds before the show.
I know all you girls think Arie was super hot and that Emily is shallow enough just to dig another race car driver and guess what. You are right about the second part. It didn’t matter that his Jonas Bros hair cut got effed up and he had the worst Cowlick I have ever seen, Emily was a girl and just was like “I know this is bad, so it makes perfect sense, let’s run with it”. In fairness, the fucker looks like a dangerous banker character from Gossip Girl. Cowlick has a good chance to win this thing though and if you are from North Carolina, you don’t look for culture in museums, you just go from dating a NASCAR driver to a Formula One driver. So Euro. So hot.
There was Jaws, the dude who played pro football, had a lab-bro-doodle and was stunting the growth of children by feeding them steroids and making them do crossfit. Totally good for them.
There was a personal favorite, the guy with the brain injury. I really liked this guy, especially when he scared Lady Veneers into touching his titanium face and then scared her again. I mean, the guy is totally nice and has had a really hard life. Being on a collapsing balcony is messed up. That said, I would be lying if the dude wasn’t only half there most of the time. He stares off into space a lot, almost like there’s a sunset on the horizon that the producers are point at. Half there… I dub thee, Half Damon.
Then there is Chris, who looks like Toby Maguire if he got smashed around by the Hulk like Loki in Avengers (ya’ll saw that right?). It STARTED as Toby Maguire and ended as a weird claymation experiment. I mean take a peep:
I kept thinking of names. Broby Maguire. Cidar House Rules. I am going with Spidermehhh. He bores me more than Emily. If they get married it should be filled for a sleep therapy DVD.
There was also the singer/songwriter guy (who not surprisingly goes immediately into the subway where he performs) who looked like he was reading lyrics to a song that just consisted of him singing “Emily” over and over. Look, Maroon 4, you suck. Quit now. I am hoping the fact you were a first week elimination gives you the kind of rock bottom you need to get a job and stop spending your time figuring out how many layers you can get between your skin and your “I play music” leather jacket. If I haven’t heard of you, you aren’t a musician. You are a waiter. Play by the rules. Now fade into nowhere and let us forget you existed.
Then there was Doug, the first impression rose winner who I am just calling Dad. Not much wrong with this guy, but you don’t go on the Bachelorette because you don’t have a big ego. When Lady Veneers said she wanted a minivan full of babies, she meant ones that came out of her junk. Don’t let the fact you are a nice guy and have a cute kid you exploited fool you. You’re Dad. Now teach me to play catch and get out while you have time.
Let’s talk about Jef (sweet spelling asshole). I want to pick on this guy, only he makes it hard. He doesn’t ride a skateboard well enough to make fun of him for it. He’s somehow pulling off that asshole hair cut. He owns a freaking water company that functions like Toms Shoes (girl heroin) and he lives in Salt Lake City and must eat Zanax like Pez because every time I expect him to douche out, he kind of plays it mellow. He also was like “people don’t like me because of my hair and shit” and basically, he spun me on that. I am like, you are right. Whatever, I am calling him One Direction and we’re keeping an eye on him.
James Vandergeek? Dawson’s Geek? Either way, way too stoked to be there. Thought he was going to shit his pants.
Let’s talk about Kalon. I’m sorry. This dude isn’t into girls. Women want to believe Ryan Phillipe from Cruel Intentions exists, but he doesn’t. A man who wants his intro to be with another dude getting a slimfit suit tailored isn’t into girls. Telling Emily she is a princess. Honestly, he’s here for Ames and let’s just make that happen for him. That’s the thing I LIKE about him. His fashion sense. The way he strategically holds his cocktail (vodka, what a joke) like a microphone. He thinks he’s in a movie. Let’s get to the BAD part (besides the freakish amount of Carmex he puts on his lips).
I mean, the guy pissed me off showing up on a helicopter. THE BACHELOR/ETTE DECIDES WHO WILL RIDE IN HELICOPTERS ASSHOLE.
Look, what he did was literally like showing up to Thanksgiving and everyone’s already eaten and is farting in their sleep to the glow of the Cowboys game on television. You can’t jump the gun. Now I am all confused. It’s like I have to sneeze but I can’t sneeze. I hate this guy. In honor of all the Carmex, I was going to call hip chapstick, but instead for ruining the helicopter thing, he’s just called Crapstick. Or Douchebag.
I recently got a hold of his memoirs from a trip to LA via an unnamed source (I am not actually kidding about this). I have to post it at some point. He’s the biggest douche of all time from his Urth Caffe visit to his adventures with his guy friend “Cary”, it’s too much. It’s like two guys that dressed up as Vincent Chase for Halloween. In WeHo. It’s painful. Maybe I’ll post it.
Then there’s Barry Manilow. Super nice dude from Oregon, kid seemed great, but no matter what happens I just keep waiting for him to break into song or leave to perform in Vegas. Also, the glass slipper thing, on a personal level, made me want to kill myself.
Let’s get into some intangibles because you can write forever about the first episode (and I don’t want to because it’s better when people are gone).
Emily dressed like a figure skater. The see through back? I thought she was going to start ice dancing. It’s hard to make Lady Veneers not look hot. I don’t know why they insisted on trying. She should have come out in the damn sweater from her day at the park with Ricki Bobby. Nails. I don’t get it.
Also, what was up with her turn around for everyone getting out of the limo. It was the same angle, same direction everytime. Zoolanderish almost. I thought I was having a seizure or a flashback. Maybe a sunset kept sneaking up on her?
In fairness, this show suffered from Emily doing a great job of diffusing every situation. She just sort of rolled with everything and never let the drama in. Sure Crapstick and Party MC were beefing a little bit, but Party MC seems like the kind of guy who drinks a Four Loko or two and just starts staring at people like a creep anyway, so we can’t blame Veneers for it.
From the preview of the season, I am only sure of one thing, which I am sure will be the theme of the whole journey to find a future divorce. Emily Maynard ruins guys. She is so hot and boring and nice that men truly believe they won’t find another one of her. She’s also set for life financially. She’s heroin to dude. She just wants to make babies, look hot, not argue and probably make breakfast. We didn’t meet her folks on her Brad hometown date, so we can’t be sure of her genetics and if it will hold up, but I feel like it will, anchored by her veneers that would survive a nuclear winter.
You can see how many dudes cry in the preview. Emily is the destroyer of dudes. Even Brad was inspired to stop beating women for a period of time in the glow of her perfection. If there are fireworks, it will be more from watching her pull the light from their eyes. Men will dive out of helicopters. They will cut their bungie cords mid-fall. Emily is the alpha bachelorette. Men will be broken.