Recruiting is Easy When You Suck Less Than The Rest of Your Conference

Today I woke up knowing the best piece of information ever that I already knew (and subsequently have been preaching through forming Arrogant Nation).  It’s simple.  Our shit is the shit.

By all accounts, USC landed it’s second straight Top Five recruiting class.  Now Uncle Pete used to do this all the time, but again, we’re in new territory.  Let me clarify for those of you new to killing bears with the first blunt object you can find.

For two straight years, Kiffin and Co. have used their white visor to lure top tier recruits despite the fact that they knew they would not be able to play in bowl games among other harsh penalties grounded in absolute and total bullshit.  For the second year in a row, we have pretty much told the NCAA that their best right cross is about as threatening as a wet kiss.  And even better, everyone else knows it.  USC lost out last minute on speedster DeAnthony Thomas who decided he wanted to go to Oregon and lose on national television in big games are wear clown uniforms.  This didn’t lower our class a bit.  Still ended up Top Five on all accounts.  Had we landed him, who knows, maybe we’re top 2.  Regardless, our class is stacked.  It’s got Aundrey Walker and as one reader said, just look at him:

Next bear killing trip with my homie Matt Barkley, we’re bringing this guy.  We just have to not confuse him for a grizzly because he is a total beast.  Along with him we signed a plethora of studs on OL and DL and more importantly, LB.  We signed a punter and a kicker for the first time in what feels like years.  I love you Joe Houston, but when you lose 3 games (the difference between an 8-5 and 11-2 season) by a field goal in games where we either missed FGs or didn’t take them because we knew we’d miss, this is huge.

We got George Farmer, the top WR in the nation to join with Robert Woods.  2011 Heisman Winner Matt Barkley is set.  If he stays through his senior year, not only will he lead us through sanctions, not only will he return us to our Rose Bowl perch, but he’ll set every passing record at the school as a four year starter who kills bears because he finds in hilarious.

ESPN, who dogged us all year, except on my wedding day when they were forced to come to campus and see Arrogant Nation’s collective middle finger had this on their site:

We dominated recruiting in the Pac-12, which we just renamed the Smack-12 yesterday.  There is plenty of talk about Oregon grabbing Black Mamba, but for me, this is just DeSean Jackson all over again.  While he’s done a ton in the NFL (including spiking a ball before he got into the endzone), he did absolutely nothing against USC.  We beat his ass all over the field.  That’s what you got coming DT, but congrats on your new wardrobe of 2 million uniform combinations.  We’ll be at the Rose Bowl wearing Cardinal and Gold.  It was a cowardly move on his part as with the new structure, we’ll barely play the kid except in the Pac-12 championship, which by the look of the recruiting yesterday, we’ll be in every single year.  UCLA wet the bed so hard they had to admit them to the hospital for an IV drip to rehydrate them.  I can’t wait to watch NooHighSul’s slow decent into the Pacific this season.

Quick, someone buy me this glass.  I want to drink out of it:

I don’t think this helped our appeal at all because the NCAA sees at this point they are totally worthless.  If we don’t get the ban lifted, our goal is so clear next year.  Win the Pac 12 South and make a team come in by default to play Oregon in the Championship.  Assuming we could have beaten Utah, we probably would have won it last year.  So be it.

Regardless, Arrogant Nation must lift it’s goblets to the Great White Visored One who hath delivered us linemen and linebackers and skill players and two future studs at QB to replace 2011 Heisman Winner Matt Barkley when he takes over under center for the new LA NFL team. Oregon worked HARD to sell it’s facilities.  Imagine when our McKay center is up and running.  It’s over Pac-12 before it even started.  Oregon’s class was disappointing save one amazing player.  Stanford already died as I predicted when Harbaugh left.  UCLA may be in the WAC now.

You heard it here first.  You can’t sanction the endzone.  FTFO.

9 Comments

Filed under Rants and Musings

9 Responses to Recruiting is Easy When You Suck Less Than The Rest of Your Conference

  1. kg23

    Torian White just realized his mistake… he is now crying in a closet

    • Csetset

      Torian White is unfortunately a victim of UCLA fan parenting.

      There’s something ironic about the fact that UCLA’s top recruit is going to be longingly looking at the USC sidelines when we stop by Pasadena next year.

  2. Csetset

    I think the best part about all of this is not even that we just proved you can’t sanction the end zone, but the fact that we collectively pulled our competitors down with us.

    It’s like teams like ASU and UCLA are serving our sanctions for us.

    I think USC just became the only team in the country in the history of college football to earn the right to say, “lol NCAA.”

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  4. tgmbithotu

    FTFO. I have been waiting for this post and you did not disappoint! I can’t believe my TMB tailgaters and I have to wait seven months to begin our mission of total destruction of the PAC 10+2 and the ncaa.

  5. Embowaf

    It wasn’t his mistake; it was his parents’ mistake. He clearly didn’t want to go to fucla…

  6. Jen

    Awesome post as always :)

    Just two edits – second paragraph should be “new” instead of “knew” and in the paragraph below your whisky, I’m *think* that you meant “beaten.”

  7. karen

    Loved the post, but I also find myself really wanting those glasses too! I can see myself toasting another USC victory while enjoying some expensive single malt.

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