We are not making this stuff up. Lane Kiffin is into headfucking people. Layla Kiffin had zero say in falling in love with him. Zero. He probably went right up to her and just said, “you’d be hot with a different face and body” and she was hooked. I agreed with what he was doing at Tennessee, starting shit with perennial powers to put his team back on the map and in the minds of recruits. When UT hired Kiff, I was like, “they still have a football team?” That’s why everyone was so pissed he left. Mindgames are awesome. Tennessee fell in love with him just like Layla did. Neither had a choice. He gave his kid the middle name “Knox” after Knoxville, but then left ten minutes later. You know what else? One day at USC his kid will be hammered on the lawn of a fraternity wearing a super arrogant visor explaining how he got his middle name. He’ll tell the super arrogant story and definitely bag a Layla for himself. Especially when Tennessee hires him to coach.
The head game is Kiffin’s number one tool. He’s like the guy in superhero movies who uses his brain to make people crazy. People HATE Kiffin. He must be doing something right. I mean, I want you all to think about your personal sexual histories. How many of you have slept with someone you totally hated when you met them. A big impression sometimes outweighs a good one, especially in football. And blogging. Yes, I will sign that autograph.
Kiffin comes to USC and when they ask if he is going to start shit with other Pac-10 coaches, he basically says “no” because USC is so much better than every other school he doesn’t need to draw attention to it. We’re already the hot blonde girl. We’re two hot blonde girls and they are making out.
The constantly-going-for-two thing Kiffin has going on was best explained by special teams coach John Baxter in this L.A. Times article where he said:
“It’s being aggressive,” special teams coordinator John Baxter said. “It’s pushing the pace, pushing the envelope and forcing our opponents to prepare for the Trojans in a multifaceted way. Even if they don’t work, they work.”
They work even if they don’t work? That is so arrogant I want to go to Antarctica and sell ice cream to penguins and then fight them after I refuse to give them change. He’s just saying we do it to get in your head, whether you are questioning our strategy or figuring out how to stop us or even just checking out the Song Girls. You simply have to feel us.
So today, we got something so rad I had to breakdance in my office even though it was a really inappropriate time to breakdance in my office. Kiffin admitted to ESPN he hasn’t showed most of the playbook in our first four games. This lead him to probably the most arrogant thing I have heard him say to date.
Lane Fucking Kiffin referred to the first four games as “the preseason”.
That is so arrogant I am not going to eat a vegetable for three years unless it comes stuffed inside a steak. He just found a way to slap the WAC, Big Ten and ACC in the face in one statement. Not only that, he INCLUDED Washington State in that! He just said that one of our in conference games was preseason. I am considering breaking my laptop over a stranger’s face right now that is so over the top arrogant.
Are you guys on the arrogant band wagon yet? Are you seeing the media attention Kiffin is getting when we have nothing to play for? When we actually can play for a bowl in two years (assuming we even want to, I know I don’t) it’s going to be such a homecoming to chaos. It’ll be like in Unforgiven when the whole movie Clint Eastwood’s like “I’m not drinking whiskey or I’ll go apeshit” and then after two hours of him being a total d-bag, Morgan Freeman gets iced (killed, not handed a Smirnoff Ice) and Clint flips the fuck out, drinks whiskey and kills everyone west of Illinois. That was arrogant.
It gets better. Today’s OC Register had this article about Kiffin and Sarkisian playing head games with each other in what is becoming a veritable brain orgy. Sark has said that USC is the most talented team in the country to try to hype us up and make us feel arrogant (clearly he doesn’t remember that arrogance is our power source). Kiffin slapped him in the face with some serious downplaying in his signature arrogant, visor-wearing way:
“We can barely find enough guys to practice. Our service team is made up of some kids from science class. Half of them never played football before.”
Take that kids in science classes.
I must be pumped. I just noticed I typed a hole in my keyboard. Buy a t-shirt so I can get a new one. Now, I’m sending you out with an arrogant picture of me in a Christmas sweater with a glass of scotch in front of a fireplace with the word BEARS written in Wes Anderson-esque Futura font.