I didn’t even go to this game, which was super arrogant, because we had rented a mansion in the desert for my bachelor party, which was also super arrogant. There was a firepit and four dishwashers. All arrogant. I took a steam shower with five shower heads. Set the water to freezing and the steam to 120 degrees. Like skiing and surfing at the same time. Super arrogant.
That said, when Saturday night rolled around, we all made 29 consecutive shots in a private beer pong tourney and decided we’d watch the game, which was for us as it probably was for you, a bit of an unexpected outcome.
I was braced for a huge win during which we’d throw five TDs and maybe run for a dozen more. That was not the outcome we got. Instead, we got a low scoring game which was totally awesome. You didn’t think so? Let me mix some Kool Aid for you to drink (winner’s tip, pour some rum in it).
Lane Kiffin was super angry at his defense for acting like it was amateur hour in Hawaii (although he did understand it is hard to focus on tackling when you are drinking pina coladas on the bench). Kiffin clearly told the USC offense to “ease up” on the Virginia Cavaliers in this home game to force the defense to try harder. If we’d scored at will, our defense would have been free to fraternize with USC sorority girls from the bench and worry about the important things in life, like being awesome all the time.
The defense got the message. Not only because they played well, but because Coach O told them if they didn’t get the message he’d do really aggressive and arrogant things to remind them constantly, like throwing alligators in the team shower and making out with their girlfriends and mothers.
Matt Barkley was having a really hard time not throwing touchdown passes, so Kiffin and him decided to play a really awesome game. Kiffin said he’d sign a visor for Matt for every time he bounced a pass off his receiver’s hands. Matt must really dig visors (I mean, Kiffin makes them look good and if Layla digs it, I do too, because I dig Layla) because he was throwing balls off his receivers like a sea of fat kids in a junior high dodgeball game. The best part? When Matt asked for the visors after the game, Kiffin was just like “Sorry, bro. Can’t give you the visors. It’s an improper benefit. Sanctions. You feel me.” Then he made out with Layla in front of Matt and lit a cigar on the Olympic Torch above the Coliseum.
One observation I made had to do with Cavalier QB Marc Verica was that he looked a lot like the dude who wanted to make out with James Van Der Beek in Rules of Attraction. It was really distracting because I kept thinking he was going to dance to George Michael’s “Faith” in the endzone if the Cavs ever scored. I mean seriously, it was super confusing and that scene is the last thing I needed to be reminded of during a bachelor party, especially when we were arm-wrestling bears for money in the back yard.
You know what else was super arrogant? Lane Kiffin’s all white outfit. He was going for like, Saturday Night Fever jumpsuit. And I loved it. It was like, fuck cardinal, fuck gold, I am wearing white and going dancing in an hour, just as soon as I tell the media how horrible our team played. Lane Fucking Kiffin, bro! He was quoted in saying “I kind of felt like we lost” which was super arrogant, but not as arrogant as him later saying, “They outcoached us today … I would say we were outcoached.” That is so matrix I don’t know what to say. We were outcoached? There is no spoon! Saying that we were out coached is just saying “you’re players are so shitty we didn’t even have to coach”. Kiffin was totally calling plays like “throw it really far” and “run right at that fat guy”. It’s awesome.
If you REALLY want to know what it felt like to lose, just ask one of your friends who like 0-2 UCLA, where apparently, Neuhisel got booed in his post-game “I swear eventually we won’t suck” conference.
Speaking of which, you know what else was an ultimate pump up? The dozens of you that invited me to tailgates and the hundreds of you that have been ordering Lane Fucking Kiffin gear. Here’s a quick update. Anyone who ordering in the first week or two should have theirs in the mail this week. We are soon to be ordering a second batch, so those more recent orders will take a couple weeks. Either way, next home game, there will be some serious Lane Kiffin gear going on and it will be so arrogant that everyone, including the other team’s cheerleaders will want to make out with you.
Early reports from the tailgating and from what I can tell of Facebook, you are all embracing the You Can’t Sanction the Endzone movement. Every t-shirt we sell has really affirmed that the Trojan Family lives in it’s own universe where you can’t rain on our parade because our parade is in space and everyone is really good looking there. Some of you felt we have looked bad in the last two games. I feel like we looked awesome because we were wearing cardinal and gold.
It could be worse. You could like the Bruins and the season could be over already.