Phuck Off Phillies.

My anti-St. Louis rant worked so well I felt it my civic duty to let Philly know how phucking lame they are.  Unlike with St. Louis, where it was hard to come up with bad things to say, this should be a walk in the phucking park.  That said, let’s have some phun.

Congrats, Philly.  It was your overweight fans that pioneered the concept of throwing batteries at the opposing team.  Batteries.  You guys literally threw phucking batteries at guys playing sports.  I hate the Phillies, but I wouldn’t throw a battery at any of them.  I just hate that they play for a team that represents a fan base that throws batteries.

You guys also root for the Eagles, which totally sucks.  Also, you pronounce it Iggles, which is hilarious to people not from Philly.  So are your fans that eat cheesesteaks and throw batteries.  Here are some pictures of your fans:

Honestly, these guys should be your official city animal.  Just Google “Philadelphia fans” and pretty much you are going to get a sea of these kinds of photos with some articles about throwing batteries in there too.

Know what is good about Philly?  Not much.  We appreciate the cheesesteak, but let’s be honest, that can’t be your greatest contribution to society. Especially when you have to order it “wit whiz”.  Awkward balls, guys.

Ben Franklin.  Awesome.  Let’s be honest, if there was actually a California when Ben Franklin was around, he’d have gone West.  Like Fievel.  Philly was probably alright back then anyway before the Eagles showed up.  Good thing Ben wasn’t alive for the Phillies first game.  Ten thousand losses later, they have lost more games than any team on earth.  Ever.  Losers.

Let’s talk Rocky Balboa statue.  You guys actually kept the damn statue and it is still up.  Let me spell it out.  You have a statue celebrating a fictional boxer.  Did Cleveland put up a statue for Rick Vaughn or Willie Mays Hays (played brilliantly by Charlie Sheen and Wesley Snipes respectively)?  No, they didn’t.  And Cleveland really sucks also, but they at least knew better than to put up a statue of Sylvester Stallone in town.  This is like putting one of those Hawaiian hula girl bobble heads on your living room mantle.

You guys should celebrate athletes that actually exist and play in your city.

Like Michael Vick.  He’s a Philly guy.

Let’s be honest, the best athlete ever to come out of Philly is a guy named Kobe Bryant.  Living in Philly was so bad he moved to Italy to get out and when he came home, he refused to go to college, moved to LA and just started winning championships.

In short, you guys suck.  There was actually a tenth circle of hell in Dante’s Inferno.  It was Philly, except they cut it out.  People were like, “hell is too fucked up when you add Philly to the mix”.  People were like, I could handle the rivers of feces and the demons eating babies, but Philly?  That’s obscene.  Too far.  Too much.  Like Heath Ledger jokes.