Recently, I bought some beef jerky, specifically Jack Link’s Peppered Beef Jerky. I was in the mood for dried out dead animal and that was what I bought. This is my formal letter of complaint to the company:
Dear Mr. Jack Link:
When I first saw your commercials for “Messin’ with Sasquatch”, I laughed because I found them to be funny. I am easily swayed by the media and you immediately became my jerky provider of choice. I cannot tell you how many times I purchased your jerky as an “impulse buy” when it was placed near the check out counter at my local supermarket. Sometimes, my incredible excitement for the taste of your beef jerky was such that I opened the bag in the car, unable to wait an entire car ride home to snack on your cowboy-like treats. Like I said, I really loved the “Messin’ with Sasquatch” campaign. That was until I realized I was the Sasquatch being messed with. I am the Sasquatch. Koo Koo Ka Choo.
The other day I had bought some of your Jack Link’s Peppered Jerky at a grocer nearby to my office in Playa Del Rey, California. I have purchased your product there before and have had nothing but beautiful jerky experiences. That was until the other day. I was so excited to eat the jerky that I immediately had a piece upon sitting down at my desk. Being that I am very smart, I was easily able to multi-task checking email and chewing on what I hoped to be an excellent piece of beef jerky. Only it wasn’t excellent. It was the opposite of excellent. If excellent was the North Pole, this piece of beef jerky was the South Pole.
It was acrid, almost tasting of sour lemons and shame. I thought perhaps the reason was that I had been chewing gum on my walk back to the office (remember, I am a good multi-tasker). I tried another piece and this one was even worse. It honestly tasted like I had fallen asleep with my mouth open in the men’s room of a locker fitness club. At this point, I felt the need to inspect the date on the bag to ensure this was fresh jerky. The date read September 7, 2010. That meant there was still a year’s worth of mileage left on these strips of beef.
And that is where the problem was.
Through some act of fungal sabotage, several prominent pieces of my new peppered jerky collection were covered in a mossy green-grey mold. I made sure to Google whether or not eating moldy jerky would kill me and it seemed like that would be a stretch. Naturally, you understand my fear. As a man of 26 years of age, I hope to have many fine days ahead of me. I plan to get married, have children and coach Little League. What a shame for all of that to become impossible for eating a piece (or two) of rancid beef jerky. What if I was deprived of my silver years and the ability to wear Polo shirts tucked into sweatpants in public and pay discounted rates for things like movies and dinners before 4 pm? There is even a chance my unborn child will cure a world-threatening disease and if I had gone down with the jerky, the world might be doomed.
I have included photos of the tainted jerky taken by my friend Matt. He is an avid food blogger and the proprietor of DIGLOUNGE.net. In my mind, this made him an expert on knowing if something is mold or a hallucination. He agrees, this was some moldy jerky. I have advised him not to blog about this mishap because we both like jerky, and especially yours, when it is not covered in more fungus than the floor of a forrest.
What can be done? I don’t know. I still have the bag, but not my receipt. Of course, you probably know I purchased this because who would steal a bag of moldy jerky? Please Mr. Link, restore my faith in the glory of your product. I believe in America and the pursuit of jerky. I am certain I experienced a near-death experience at the hands of your jerky. If I had eaten your Carne Seca flavored jerky, the amazing spices involved may have masked the flavor, and then you’d be dealing with a lot more than a polite email. You’d be dealing with my ghost and forced to create a new product: Jack Link’s Haunted Beef Bits. By the way, I copywrited that name so if I end up dying of jerky-related purposes, my family can cash in on your new product.
Please let me know if there is anything you can do and further, I volunteer my time and persona to the cause of safe jerky regulation should you need to conscript me.
All the best and keep up the good jerk! (pun)