Hope you had a great Memorial Day weekend. I spent mine in Bend, Oregon – the place I think Reese Witherspoon had sex with the guitar dude in Wild, but then again you can drink beer in theaters in Oregon so maybe I was projecting. In any event, I sure drank some beer in Bend. Get out there sometime. It’s a fun place to freak out in the forest and just like when I played Oregon Trail in elementary school – didn’t get dysentery. Big win.
Chris Harrison sat down with Canada and her TWIN BIRD™ technology on some nice patio and asked some questions about how Bratzny was doing, but like all of us, she didn’t actually care. What I cared about were two things. The first was the shot of Chris Harrison drinking a giant mason jar of clear liquid with lemons. Sparking water? Maybe. If you know him like I wish he’d let me (Vegas, Chris? I’ll leave my job to be your CMO of whatever you do, bro), you know that was Everclear with lemons in it. Let’s be clear. Harrison was planning to make limoncello for a wicked end of summer party at his crib that is like EDC and Coachella mixed into one and chilled into a jello shot sprinkled with cocaine, but he just couldn’t wait. He drank half-baked limoncello, which for those of you non-amateur mixologists, is just extremely high proof grain alcohol with some lemon peels in it.
In other news, while Kaitlin is adorable and one of the first Bachelorettes on this show that is worth competing for, when she gets excited all her features seem to move in adorably opposite directions like some kind of animated chameleon.
Speaking of Bratzny, they put her up at the Hyatt in Westlake Village (don’t spring for the Four Seasons a block away or anything) where I enjoyed many a bar mitzvah back in the day. The dude who clearly moved to Nashville to hide from the fact his hometown remembers him as the dude who won Most Likely To Say “Don’t Cry, Girl” To A Girl Who Put Him In The Friendzone in high school showed up to save Bratzny from crying about “coming home” to her mom. She’s an actress from LA. She’s in Westlake Village. Coming home is probably a 40 minute car ride to Venice.
Anyway, this creeper just reminds me of the animated protagonist of Paranoid Android by radiohead:
Never seen a man so committed to wearing his dad’s pajamas in public. He’s still wearing the beanie they put on him when he was born. His top is down to his knees and you could shoot a basketball through the neck hole. His sweatpants look like he took a dump in them. They are perfect together. Can you imagine a couple that would make you feel better about your life than them when they are next to you at brunch and you aren’t sure if they rolled out of bed or got ready to roll back into it. Please make this segment end.
The dudes are getting ready to go on a date which involves boxing. If I remember anything about Thailand, someone is going to get waxed like a record.
They train in some abandoned infomercial set that some poor bastards from the valley had to lug punching bags up to. Oh Canada looked cute in her boxing gear and thank Harrison they didn’t make her box or act like she’s some secret fight club member. She just watched.
Captain America, the former football player, looked proficient and Creepin’ Hawke’s facial hair (and chest hair) seem to grow in different directions every time they cut to him.
Laila Ali rolled in and in addition to being great looking and the daughter of the greatest boxer of all time, she also was the most badass lady boxer of all time. She would maul any of these dudes and if this show cared about me at all (or listened to Chris Harrison), she’d have fought them all and taught the world a thing or two about equal pay across gender lines because those boys would be writing checks that their asses can’t cash.
Ung. Boxing is awesome.
LL Tool J was super into boxing, but moreso, get got mad thirsty looking at Laila Ali.
Oh Canada noticed and basically he was cut from the team.
The boxing began and Captain America and surprisingly, Creepin’ Hawke were straight cold cocking dudes. It was all set up for an epic showdown where Cap told Creep “don’t go easy on me” – which was code for I’m going to hit you so hard your beard starts growing in normal.
And basically the fight went like this:
Creepin’ Hawke caught a rabbit punch and went OUT like a contestant sneaking time with the Bachelorette. Knuckle Sandwiches. OMNOMNOMNOM.
BELIEVE IT. Actually, homeboy is my favorite so far. He had a tough life without his mom, used that fuel to play football and seems like a pretty gentle dude other than the fact he can kill things with his fists.
The night date is going well except for the dude in a seersucker blazer and white pants who apparently has a furniture and design company. Yeah. SeerYouSucker more like it. Dude, go back to the carnival and hand me my giant stuffed monkey when I throw a ring on a bottle cap. KNOW YOUR ROLE™.
Somehow on this date, Oh Canada made out with everyone and we found out Creepin’ Hawke was still alive. Win-win.
The 1:1 date was with Bill MMAHAAAARRRRHHHHR. I had forgotten his portrait of Chris Harrison riding a triceratops and while he stole that from my condo, I forgive him because it is art the world needed to see.
They head to a very swanky Hollywood Hills pad based on the stellar view of downtown. Then the world’s oddest eastern European entrepreneur rolled out in a wetsuit with a full photography unit and said the hottest trend in Los Angeles is underwater couples photography.
THANK YOU BACHELOR.
While there’s been no helicopters or repelling off cliffs, I can get down with a weird-ass Los Angeles trend I didn’t know existed. Imagine the terrifying parties that go on there? Coked-up couples showing up at all hours diving in full Gatsby regalia into a swimming pool filled with a Bond villain woman and her team of out-of-work scuba actors with nothing better to do than take pics like this:
That’s good, I think? But imagine going into someone’s office and their underwater ballgown spread is framed up on the desk. I’m getting uncomfortable. I’m running.
By the end of this weird fever dream, they were making out and Bill Maarahrahrahr got a rose. Next. And let’s not go back there, kay?
Final date was with Amy Schumer who was hilarious, punking the hell out of everyone as they tried to write jokes. I don’t have a ton to offer because she nailed every joke I was thinking of, not the least of which was the toothpaste colored shirt Johnny Depp’s Willy Wonka had going on. I did legit think Amy and Kaitlyn would be friends as they said on the show, and it speaks well of both of them.
Comedians pretty much wrote the sets and none where that painful, except the one that was like passing kidney stones through both of my eyes in front of the entire women’s locker room at my high school. My wife just closed the browser.
Going Clear, who made no sense at all with all the entire episode, just went on stage and talked about how grateful he was for the opportunity and… Dude, I don’t know. I’m starting to think his mysterious black eye came from tripping on some of his own bullshit. One glass of wine in, he’s Cecily Strong on Weekend Update:
Neville Dongbottom rolled up and just dogged Going Clear so hard he started eating off a bowl on the floor. He parlayed this later into a solid talk with Oh Canada that landed him the rose…
And turned him into a villain?
And while the other guys didn’t like Dongbottom for PREMATURE PEACOCKING™ after one stupid rose before a single helicopter has debuted, LL Tool J took the taco with one of the more complicated whiskey-fueled rants I’ve seen.
He gets his one on one time with Katilyn and basically says something a lot of us have discussed, the lack of diversity on the show. He’s saying he’s there to fill a quota, and maybe he’s got a valid point, but he’s putting this on Kaitlyn, who can’t be on that. She’s Canadian. Their bacon is circular. They are color blind. I mean, look at how goofy their flag is? I want to crack it open and dump it on my pancakes.
So, while I welcome a debate about why we haven’t had a more diverse set of challengers, or hell, a multicultural bachelor or something, I doubt Kaitlyn is that way. Plus, LL Tool J was drunk.
The minute she said it wasn’t working out, he was basically an Usher song about stripping. Not one reason to stay but she was hot. And then, when he had his goodbye testimonial – he tripped enough balls that we didn’t get a rose ceremony.
This season is going to be great. I hate the beginning, it’s too much getting to know everyone. I know that comedians are a good thing on this show. I know the race issue is an issue but maybe not in this case (or the producers did a good job faking the story), and Dongbottom is so pissed he was in Gryffindor he’s trying to be in Slytherin.
Let’s not TBC next week. I feel like I’m jetlagged. Also, fuck. Helicopter.