7 Bdr Victorian in Historic NW Portland Alphabet District

This actual housing listing in Portland, America’s hottest real estate market, was brought to my attention. I felt the need to rewrite the listing based on the photos provided. A link to the actual listing is at the foot of the post. 

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FOR SALE!

Rare, spacious Victorian in the Alphabet District in close-in NW Portland. This 7 bed, 2 bath classic oozes with potential for the discerning home buyer. It’s what we call a true fixer’s dream! While the house boasts three stories, it’s clearly had thousands of stories. Picture your family adding to this tapestry of life just a stone’s throw from the bustle and glamour of the Pearl District.

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The grand living room is laid out shotgun-style to a second drawing room. Pictured here configured as a young-man-about-town’s paradise boasting an indoor garage band setup with original stained glass windows providing a natural light show that will have you and your guests feeling like they are taking in a show at the Crystal Ballroom. Original wood floors bounce just as much as that famous night club. The dust on the floor tells you the room inspired the kind of musicians that are currently on tour.

The room features dual viewing stations for quiet, rainy Portland days where you just want to stay inside and watch the big game while also watching pornography in a private setting with original sliding doors.

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The reverse view reveals a Scottish tartan-inspired couch guaranteed to remind you of your fraternity days. A non-functional fireplace (shown here functioning via Photoshop) will warm you and your loved ones. The renaissance pagan worship alter housing it is built-in and adds mystical charm.

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Step through into the drawing room illuminated by giant bay windows and relax in the included chaise-lounge-slash-lazy boy that’s survived two small fires leaving it with a rustic, northwest campfire smell that will transport you to glamping at Crater Lake or shopping for Danner Boots at nearby Union Way. The Persian rug hides wonderful stories – come view the property to peek under and into the past (NDAs required).

The window coverings serve a dual purpose, providing a soft gauzy light and partially hiding the vintage 1993 Panasonic 6 CD changer component stereo (speakers not pictured).

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A true meth chef’s kitchen features a freestanding, hoodless four burner cooktop stove and non-matching kegerator with an extra keg provided. A cozy five seater breakfast table (with cantaloupe) rests adjacent to an oversized window complete with 50% of the original plantation shutters. Get the best of both worlds!

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The wainscoting lining the rich terror-wood staircase bears rustic, original nail scrapings and charming dings from several lifetimes of forced detentions, terrified animals and demons clawing their way upstairs. Every day is Halloween!

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Emily Rose was exorcised in the Lavender Room. Her original christening gown has been lovingly framed as part of what many feel will be a future historical site in Portland. Tuck your children in nightly with the peace of mind that Satan has already been forcibly removed from this full-size bedroom. As a parent, it’s wonderful to have one less thing to worry about.

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The hallway was crafted in the sexually-repressed all male boarding school style complete with a love seat reclaimed from the Clackamas County office of top Ear, Nose and Throat doctor Larry Eichleman. Feel free to enjoy indoor bonfires and seances. Fire extinguisher included (and unable to be removed without damaging the drywall).

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The house also contains a multi-purpose room. Previous tenants used it as an art gallery and taxidermy studio. The head of a stag and half of a pouncing black bear are included. The artwork of a violin playing girl (who now haunts the house) are negotiable with purchase, unlike the ghost herself, who has 273 mortal years left on her haunting lease.

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Original hardware in every door! No need to ask Chown Pella to recreate these beauties! The brasswork improves grip, essential when fleeing from ghosts and vagrants living in undiscovered crawlspaces in this 1800s charmer.

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The bathroom contains a full-size bath and sinkless design evoking a simpler time when the bath was more than just a relaxing retreat from the stress of the day. Tankless water heater? No way. Who needs one when you have a space heater included at the base of the tub, perfect for accurate, gentle temperature control of the people waking up in this tub without organs. Ingenuity reigns supreme with a shower caddy hung in the absence of a shower. Shave or stare at yourself and question your life decisions in the mini mirror hung directly above the space heater.

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A private backyard complete with abandoned bathtub gives you a respite from this nightmare of a home. The bathtub can also double as a rain catcher so you can “live green” like most PDXers do and save money on bottled water. Make your own!

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A half size garage is included for storing your horse drawn carriage. Just don’t ask what’s under the leaves. Seriously, because the realtor has refused to enter the property. There will be no one to ask.

Asking price $974,900 (not kidding).

 

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BachCap CatchUp

I’ve been busy. I told you this wasn’t going to be the season I was consistent. But I also said I wouldn’t let you down, so here’s some musings from the season so far in no particular order.

I’m going to start with JoJo, which would be a cooler name if she was a dope wide receiver names Joe Johnson and he had like a Twitter handle like “YungJoJo” and his snaps were lit af. For a girl named Joelle, can’t it just be Jo? Or how about Elle? How cute do we need to be? Do we need to duct tape a kitten on every facet of our existence? Can’t being wealthy and attractive be enough in Dallas?

Truth is, if we need to rename JoJo, we rename her Beady, because she exclusively wears beaded, sparkling dresses. It’s like she’s been chained to the DJ booth at a never ending prom and chewing her leg off to break free would be bad because calories.

Truth-truth is, I like Beady. She got the raw deal last year. She’s really pretty smart all things considered and genuinely seems like someone who’d be fun to be around. So other than the fact her STYLE ICON™ is a disco ball, I love her. I hope she finds love. And any form of matte fabric. And a better plastic surgeon than her mother.

Come to think of it, this season a lot of the people are likable.

But not Chad.

Chad is what the guy from Veep would look like if he was weaponized by the people who turned Wolverine into Wolverine.

This guy from Veep:

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And Wolverine:

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Chad is LOOKING FOR A FIGHT™ and this house of dudes seems to want to give it to him, only they never really do. Most interactions are like this:

Chad eats a raw sweet potato and sweats through the same fleece zip up he wears in every scene. Someone gets mad at him for eating and not being in love with Beady yet. Chad tells everyone they are idiots if they are already in love with a girl they barely know. Someone gets upset and tries to define what Chad is all about. Chad responds by eating a pound of deli meat and saying he’s trying to mind his own business. Someone else calls Chad a joke who is there for the wrong reasons. Chad threatens violence while eating a head of lettuce. Someone says the answer with Chad is always violence. Chad threatens to kill said person while drinking some kind of glowing neon protein drink.

That’s been the season so far pretty much. I just wish Chad let me write his threats. His are like 90% ridiculous, but I think if he got to 100% ridiculous, we’d actually totally love this future restraining order of a neck vein. I think he’s like right near the line of the villain we love. Like, we love the Joker and he actually kills folks. We loved the Terminator. If Chad just upped it a little bit stylistically, he might be our Deadpool. We might end up rooting for him to kill everyone in the house instead of JoJo finding love.

Since anyone can tear an empire down, here are some suggestions next time Chad puts a threat on someone:

“I’m going to crawl up your ass and tackle you from inside your body, bro.”
“I’m going to cut off you fingers and fax them back to your house in the early 90s so you are afraid to grow up, bro.”
“I’m going to buy you tickets to Hamilton and then when you get out, I’m going to beat you so hard you don’t remember seeing it and can’t brag to your friends, bro.”

Side note. I haven’t seen Hamilton on any of my business trips to NYC, but I’ve seen the titular song performance a lot. Does anyone else get pissed off at the SERIOUS ACTOR FACE™ that goes on when Lin Manuel Miranda gets all quiet and drops into singing “Alexander Hamilton” – ???

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That’s the face The Rock would make before he gave people the People’s Elbow:

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Hamilton probably is pretty badass, but this blogger who so cavalierly connects the worlds of Tony Award caliber theatre and WWE gamesmanship is not ready to compare the moment Hamilton gets introduced with the moment The Rock sends 50,ooo Trump supporters into a frenzy with the promise of a choreographer elbow to the face of someone who probably just told the crowd they are huge assholes.

Lin, you’re singing man. You didn’t just blow my mind by proving we live in the Matrix. I’ve never seen anyone so amazed the music went from aggressive to reflective. Aaaaaand… my wife just closed the browser.

What are we talking about?

Chad’s number one enemy is Mariney Mouse, a small dude who dresses to look smaller somehow. This guys seems ready to fight Chad but never does. They are both Marines. It made me sure I wasn’t supposed to be one.

In the grand tradition of the 2 on Juan date ending with one person left in the wilderness, Chad got removed, but we are made to believe he’s out stalking everyone. I’m sure not much happens, but let’s be honest. In the same way that 23 Jump Street is going to be Men in Black 4 (for real, Google that), Chad can turn Bachelor in Paradise into I Totally Still Know What You Did Last Summer. DO IT, ABC.

Hey, Jake Pavelka is still alive! Next.

We had one helicopter so far, but I was more focused on the date. I’m not counting it.

Let’s spend some time on Zorg from Fifth Element (who Chad and many readers called out). Evan, who fixes penises for a living, is the kind of person in civilian life you probably like, or at least tolerate. But put in this environment, it just seems like he’s the guy at the high school party trying to clean up as it’s all going down. He probably collects keys and stocks bowls with condoms. He’s just a fish out of water. Maybe a fish in outer space. He actually is such a fish that he makes you question what a fish is in general. They don’t have hands? They breath underwater? They aren’t lovable. I don’t know. You may not realize you’re thinking things like this when you see Evan on screen, but you are. That’s why you aren’t into him ladies and gents.

Also, poor dude. His nose just bleeds on contact. And on non contact. And he’s not doing blow and rocking out or anything. He just stores emotion in the capillaries in his nose.

The Canadian dude deserves a little ink too. He is so an actor and crisis negotiator ABC hired to handle Chad. Like, the dude just acts goofy, jumps in the pool first night and lasts this long? Please. He’s ABC’s man on the inside. He’s undercover. He’s in so deep he may even think he’s a contestant at this point. His contacts at the station are calling him and getting his voicemail. He’s creating a backstory. He’s no longer there for protection. He’s there for the right reasons.

OK.

That’s all I feel like writing about right now. Sorry.

But good news. More next week.

 

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BachCap: FANTASY SUITES

First, a humble apology. For fans of my Instagram (INSTAFANS™) I have spent a month between Portland, NYC, Dallas and LA for work. I’ve watched each episode, but by the time I have absorbed them, the next one is basically on. I have drained several hotel mini bars out of pure guilt (and wanting to be NOT SOBER™). I’ve had many of you offer everything from words of support – come on Zack, hang in there and post! – to messages that were more like Zack WTF my Tuesdays are hard enough without you taking selfies at the Soho Grand whining about being tired. Being tired is having a 6 month old and negotiating 2 hours and 15 minutes of me-time a week. That’s 2 hours for this godforsaken show and 15 minutes to read your stupid, un-proofread blog.

So yeah. I got some of those too.

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Instead of going into Olivia getting sent home in what is now a disturbing trend of 2 on 1s ending with one person being stranded in the wilderness like they are suddenly started an impromptu episode of Naked and Afriad (or Survivor Wench) – I am just going to talk this week.

After I talk about JoJo’s mother, who drinks champagne right from the bottle, didn’t realize she was on TV and has had so much work done you’d think she married a contractor.

Also, her brothers. What’s up with that? And the fact her ex is a man after all.

Also, Caila and Lauren only two to pass the PARENTAL FITNESS TEST™. You know what I mean. They will always look good. JoJo is fencey. She looks great, but there’s more debate over DNA in her family than in The People vs OJ Simpson.

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OK.

WE’RE GOING TO JAMAICA AND THERE’S HELICOPTERS THERE!!!!!

The thing is, and I’m not anti-Sandals or anything, I just have to point out the specificity of this particular Sandals. This is where Michael Scott takes Jan. This is where the naked photo happens. This is like, a stop on The Office memory lane tour.

And now these idiots are going to ruin it with television-mandated sex in front of millions. Actually, that ruins nothing. I love this episode and what’s more, this was a GREAT version of this episode. I said early on that Benilla was dangerous. Ben crushes hearts because he wants you to feel something you’ve never felt. He lulls you into a coma of telling him that yes, in fact, HE is capable of being loved. And when you finally give in – BOOM.

HEART RAPE™ – in theaters, July 7th.

My wife just closed the browser.

While Neil Lane was getting some last minute botox touch ups, date one went to the Disney Princess herself, Caila. For real, I’ve said it before. Any time anyone tells her anything, it’s the reaction an animated squirrel has when they discover a bunch of acorns.

She’s dressed like she’s playing some 90s vision of the future aerobics death match competition, but whatever. According to the women around he her hair game is strong. I was more focused on her looking like she was attacked by pastel wallpaper.

There’s a generic rafting date to go eat spicy jerk chicken and enjoy a sexual metaphor. Jerk. Get what I mean? What I mean is that the word jerk has a sexual connotation in this case. Oh. You got that? Sorry. I thought it was SUBTLE™.

The date is weird. Caila who was once afraid of breaking Ben’s heart now is cold buggin’ about having her heart broken because she JUST NOW realized he’s dating (and having sex soon) with two other girls. Eventually she relaxes and just violently makes out with Benilla like she’s bobbing for a hidden apple behind his face.

Ben talks more about being unlovable. Jesus, Ben. This is why you are the guy who we call for rides and not the other way around. This is why you went and got me a Powerade Zero in Vegas while I was fighting a hangover without me even asking. Ben, you would be more lovable if you were less lovable. Girls love their teddy bear. They just don’t date them when they grow up.

Go ahead and marinate on that for a minute, lady readers. I wish we lived in a world where nice guys could simply be nice without having to find other ways to ADD VALUE™ – humor, being a dick, sports, money, being an even bigger dick, having a boat – but we don’t. That’s why nice guys perfect the slow roll.

My wife just went to close the browser. Paused. Had a think on it. Paused again. Closed it and made a note to ask if I “slow rolled.”

Caila at one point said she “can feel his in his breath he feels the same” – maybe about what to order for lunch. All she found in his breath was jerk spices. Also, girls don’t say shit like that. Ever. It’s pulling an Isla Fisher in Wedding Crashers.

Either way, she says she loves him. He smiles and offers “Chris Harrison’s Sex Contract” and she accepts. Off to the room to make out in front of enormous FIREWORKS METAPHOR™. In Benilla’s case, I don’t think it was coincidence the fireworks were going off before they even got busy.

Flight Attendant rolls out to date two in a sweater tank top because I guess that’s happening again now. That’s cool because most of us had a thing for Rachel on Friends and so this trend will probably close some fetish loops for men out there who were too young to date a women with this item of clothing the first time it was around. Good luck out there, fellas.

Their date is sort of adorable as they lead baby turtles to the ocean where they will be eaten by basically everything. You could almost hear the crunches as Benilla waved at them.

Ben goes into total “this would ruin it if I wasn’t the Bachelor” territory saying he cried in front of her parents and that she is too good for him. Honestly. Readers. If your prospective partner told you all this after a month, what are the odds you would feel comfortable falling asleep before them? If you step back, this is “collect your hair and make dolls out of it” talk.

Not to fear. He’s the man of her vanilla, non-fat greek yogurt dreams.

The night portion is where the HEART RAPE™ happens. Ben reciprocates “I Love You.” No, no, no. They profess love for each other 100 times and then take it to the mattress and now he’s got 2 girls he’s slept with in love with him and 1 of them hearing it back.

Lauren has this won…

Until…

JoJo’s date starts WITH A HELICOPTER!

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They go to a waterfall and do the classic make out in the water date. Fun was had by all crotches, by all accounts.

The night portion is identical to the other two. AM I UNLOVABLE? Dude. I got over my homecoming crown in college. I feel like he needs one every year. See that part where I told you I won homecoming. Man, I’m lovable. Ben. Get me a fucking Americano.

So here’s where this goes off. JoJo says she loves Ben. AND HE RECIPROCATES AGAIN. JoJo is like wait, what? You can say that? YEAH. To everyone, I guess. Wow. This is gonna end bad.

One CHAMPAGNE POP METAPHOR™ later, the tally becomes clear.

3 Sex
2 Love Yous
1 One Effed Dude From Indiana and Not Just Because He’s From Indiana (but a little bit)

Caila comes to surprise Ben, but he decides he needs to cut her like fifth period French, which was #17 on his list of 100 Things I LOVE About High School – by Ben Higgins (written in crayon).

She’s going home. She’s getting in the car. She’s getting out of the car. She’s asking if he felt this way all week. She’s wondering if he slept with her with no intention of picking her. YES. But he just says no and she leaves. Man. That could have been an honest moment. Girls, don’t be confused. Saying a lot of things that sound like feelings doesn’t mean a man is telling you anything. Don’t let him coo you to sleep like a baby.

There’s a weird rose ceremony because they all sort of awkwardly high five that they are the final three.

It’s going to be weird. See you at the finale.

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BachCap #5: Viva El Mispronounxico

We were immediately welcomed to another night of entertainment by Benilla being coerced to yelling confidently, “Viva El Mexico!” I love the producers, all living in Southern California and well aware of how to pronounce Spanish words, if not being fluent, that Ben was saying MEX – SI – CO and not MEH – HEE – CO, and just saying whatever, doing nothing to help the perception of midwesterners.

That said, the Iowa caucus celebrated Trump and Cruz, so, Ben might be the best thing that region has going. Chicago, you are exempt.

Chris Harrison was predictably not present this entire episode. I am glad we have gotten back to the habit of Latin American trips where we are treated to a vibrant culture and Harrison is treated to incredible options of smuggling narcoticas back into Los Estados Unidos (EEUU).

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As we head to Mexico, the women fly coach which is a great metaphor for this show in general. Benilla is telling us all about how Mexico City is the cultural hub of Mexico. That said, it’s always dangerous as hell these days and dangling ten of the least culturally aware humans in the world out reminded me of parading a gaggle of pugs through the raptor cage at Jurassic Park.

Lord, help them.

Their suite at the Four Seasons is pretty epic and Mexico City is on my bucket list. I regret not having been there yet. That’s what I get for not being on this show. I live in Portland and despite all the accurate things you hear about the amazing food scene, the brunch paradise, the whiskey dripping ceilings – there is no Mexican food of note and I’m not hearing anyone say otherwise.

I want to go to Mexico City. I want to be Chris Harrison’s accomplice. We know he’s how El Chappo got caught (think of when this show was filmed) and we know that had I been there, it’d have been a buddy cop movie far better than Ride Along 2 and instead of being cops, we’d be the new Westlake Village Drug Cartel making waves south of the border.

Harrison. Jerome. South Of The Border. Tuesday nights on Freeform (formerally ABC Family). TV-MA. Stick around for an all new Pretty Little Liars. My wife just closed the browser… ON MY DREAMS™.

Amanda, the mom for OC (Orange Mommy?) gets the Juan-on-Juan date (see what I did there?) and we’re all glad because she seems like a pretty good person. Harry Potter Mermaid (Olivia) throws some serious shade and now I’m starting to think she’s crazier than MESA VERDE from last season. We all know Olivia is going home at some point, can we just commit to enjoying her on Bachelor in Paradise?

Ben rolls into their room early and shines flashlights on them – because he will do anything the producers ask. Ben, also, can you pick me up and wait with me at the DMV today? Thanks dude, you’re a good friend.

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Bird Lady has her retainer in and that’s cool and all, except I’m still not over her racist soccer mom comment from earlier this year. While she is probably not a racist, oh fuck it. Whatever.

I do enjoy seeing all these hot girls sleeping like teenage dudes do. Sprawled out, hiding from light like vampires. Except Orange Mommy, who is sleeping in full make up and a blow out – either because the producers tipped her off or this is just what is expected of single mothers in Orange County.

They go on a hot air balloon ride. They look at the city of the gods. It’s cool. I guess.

I keep looking for the specific way Ben is a sociopath, because he has to be, right? And this episode, it kind of hit me.

He’s has a savior complex. He likes you better when you reveal how you are broken. I mean, opening up is good in any relationship, but I realize Ben digs this because his parents raised him to be a hometown hero. When Jubilee talks about her past, he sees a chance to be stable in her life. When Orange Mommy tells him about her dickhead ex-husband and her kids, he sees a chance to be the best step dad ever.

The savior complex is dangerous shit because it’s not about you. It’s about saving you. You will never be his equal, even if he’s a nice guy and all. He’s like the star of a weird Human Renovation show on HGTV. Ben, as your friend, as the dude you save from having to drive to In-N-Out or pick up his own laundry, let me help you out. Your junk isn’t going to solve their problems.

He’s the most dangerous kind of boy for girls. The one who gets your problem and due to the availability heuristic, he’s the solution. When he breaks up with you, even when it’s super respectfully, it’s not as simple as moving on, it’s validation that your problems are too big to solve, even for a so-called savior.

Not to GET HEAVY™ or anything.

What I’m saying is the end of this season, as the breakup stakes are raised, Benilla, he of little interest, is going to be DESTROYING SOULS™.

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Date goes great. Orange Mommy gets the rose. And another week of false hope in a world where I can name ten dudes who’d gladly raise her kid to be with someone that nice and attractive.

The group date includes Olivia and Jubilee – so we all knew where it was going. Leah is also on this date and I keep wondering when we’re going to find out something about her other than that she wore the dress Orange Mommy wore to the night date at the last rose ceremony. What are they hiding from us?

The group date starts with an ESL class, which in Mexico, is Espanol as a Second Language. That worked out nice from a branding experience. You go, Glen Coco.

It’s amazing to me in a country becoming increasingly Hispanic that none of these girls had even a year or two of high school Spanish. The last time so much Spanish was butchered was For Whom The Bell Tolls. Too soon? Come on. Pan’s Labyrinth? Come on, it’s not easy to tell a Spanish Civil War joke. Probably for good reason.

Sigh.

Jubilee is getting pissed and it reaches a boil when they go to a cooking class – see what I did there? I wanted to spend all day with these chefs, he with a Portland moustache. There’s a Mexican Standoff – see what I did there – between Olivia and Jubilee for who gets to be cooking partner with Ben. Olivia wins as part of an episode long motif of her being first to grab him for anything. I mean anything. Ben seems annoyed. Until he gives her the rose.

Wow.

And also JoJo said something about Ben tasting her taco. Write your own damn joke, America.

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Jubilee turns up the heat and refuses to hold Ben’s hand, finally done with him dating 9 girls and in the end, who knows if Ben really liked her or if he realized it will actually be hard to “save” a complex individual – hell, maybe the Indiana Pacers game was on and he just couldn’t even right then.

Jubilee is booted.

There’s a fashion show related date with Soccer Mom and like, whatever. There’s a fashion show. She got cheated on. I don’t much care. I can’t imagine she is a long term candidate. There’s not much to save. She’s a concierge human. She’s polite, she’ll raise the kids, she’ll be nice and whisper to other soccer moms things you wish she wouldn’t whisper.

Back at the ponderosa, Olivia goes after Orange Mommy and calls this an episode of Teen Mom. I don’t think she even means it. I think she is better at talking than thinking. Everyone turns on her.

We end on a cliffhanger as Ben is taking her aside for a lecture. She’ll come back in. This isn’t the end. We’re not even close to finished BREATH BASHING™ Olivia.

But heed my words. This is going to get messy. Ben’s not a headfucker. He’s a heartfucker.

Follow my feeds and stay in touch so when I’m late to post you know why.

XOXO Gossip Zack.

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BachCap #4: Viva Las Shameless

**this post was written across many bottles of bourbon in many different locations, including Salt Lake City**

Live from NYC in the aftermath of WINTER BLIZZARD JONAS™, I’m hanging out in SoHo, working too much and just talking Bachelor with you fine people. There’s even bourbon. What a country.

If you’re here for the right reasons, let’s jump in. HEART FIRST™.

Chris Harrison hadn’t been to an illegal underground snake versus mongoose fight in months and so he demanded they film in Vegas. Did you wonder why he let the girls know that Ben was not in Los Angeles?

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It’s because he held Benilla against his will in a drug-induced fugue state at an undisclosed location until the producers agreed to offer a week of dates in Vegas in exchange for Chris Harrison releasing Ben and admitting he knows the real truth about what happened in Manatowoc County. I’m Serial.

After all that was sorted, he let the girls know they were going to Vegas. This was exciting for the twins because they are those real people that are actually from Las Vegas.

Their gleeful reaction!

It’s the same thrill a child gets when they recognize a word they learned at school on a street sign. It’s just basic recognition of something that exists that you are aware of. Like there’s an apple. I’ve eaten one of those. :: cue shit-eating-grin::

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Then the producers tried to make them talk at the same time because apparently that’s what twins do and they failed. The producers put it in anyway because they do not consider contestants REAL PEOPLE™.

This show is the weirdest. It’s pretty clear you are going to be invited places. The minute they come in and tell you anything, everyone opens their mouth so big a large part of me wants to throw a bean bag in there like I’m at some fucked up clown carnival.

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You know what turns folks on? THIS™:

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GOOD LUCK SLEEPING™.

Olivia is WAY TOO EXCITED™ and she shows us by showing us her tonsils, molars and all the other teeth I can’t remember the names of. Bicuspids. That’s one.

Ben is excited to take them to Vegas because it’s a place “people actually get married” which is cool because it has that in common with every other town on earth. Ben, demand more of yourself. And also, I want some In-N-Out. Bring it to NYC. I’m already in my sweatpants (they are fresh Nike camo ones, don’t think I’m frumping out, girls).

But seriously, Ben, we’d be friends and part of that friendship is me consistently talking you into BRINGING ME THINGS™ that I truly am TOO LAZY TO GET MYSELF™ and then rewarding you by telling you about MY LIFE™.

So.

JoJo gets the first date and that’s good. It’s been years since there was a bonafied potential STRESS EATER™ on the show. I’m not that shallow in real life, but I take incredible joy with this struggle. It’s kind of what I imagine NASCAR fans like. For most of us it’s boring, but if you’re all in on NASCAR, you are like noticing the tires are wearing unevenly. I notice her worrying about her arm girth. It’s palpable. WATCH THIS SPACE.

Also…

HELICOPTER. GOLD PLATED COOL FIN BLADED HELICOPTER. HELICOPTER TAKING OUT A TABLE OF CHAMPAGNE WITH IT’S RAW LOVEMAKING POWER.

I literally looked at the menu for room service and they don’t make carbonated tear elixir, so I’m out. THANKS SOHO GRAND.

JoJo was just like dude I wore something blousy – this is so dick that now I’m in a very revealing wind situation. My wife just closed the browser.

But you feel me.

This helicopter was so bad ass that all the girls were sure JoJo was in ROMANCE TOWN™ and they are right. Sorry. That’s a winning helicopter. She was fish in a barrel. It was gold plated.

This date sucks though. It’s one of those talks where they literally SAY NOTHING™ and it WORKS PERFECTLY™. My guard goes down. I get scared. There are things about you that are attractive. I never give myself completely.

But hey, kudos for trying to explain you were homewrecking by saying “you weren’t a part of their lives.” That’s legit the way the dude from Silence of the Lambs explains why that girl has to “put the lotion on its hands”.

Look. I feel bad for you dating a married man because in all likelihood you both are great, but the thing about married men is that they tend to have a hard time breaking up with the person they are in a LEGAL CONTRACT™ with. Like, even if you are winning by 10 points in the basketball game of love, you bet on the wife because she’s the CEO.

I watched the move The Intern on the plane and even though it was racist to people who use the internet, it got one part right. BET ON THE SPOUSE™. Even if he’s out of his depth doing dramatic work and should stick to Workaholics where he is superb.

You don’t want to be the SIDE PIECE™. No one goes to a restaurant and says I’ll have fries and a burger. You don’t go, “I’ll have the shaved brussels sprouts – oh, and let me have a porterhouse steak on the side.” They are steak frites, not frites steak. I’d know. I just ate some Raoul’s tonight and I told them to HOLD THE FRITES – carbs are for the weak, girls.

In short…

BE THE STEAK™, ladies. And men. America. Be USDA Prime, k? If you aren’t good enough to eat cooked medium rare, you shouldn’t be allowed in the oven. That’s a metaphor. My wife agreed, paused, then closed the browser.

Ben loved this talk though because JoJo told the truth, isn’t mean and rode in a helicopter with her. Oh, and then had the most enormous fireworks display ever. So yeah. Of course he left saying she has charisma and intelligence and humor. But there’s no evidence. MAKING A MURDERER™.

Group date is made to seem like a showgirl date. Lauren H. says something about nipple tassles being NOT GOOD™ but she said it in a way that had me curious. Like not good in the way we all think—like—wearing clothes is a good idea on TV? Or is there something devious going on? What’s the deal? Why did you go straight to NIPPLE FEAR™?

Also, still not over her being an UNKNOWING RASCIST™ the week before with the soccer moms comment about Queen Jubilee.

The girls are doing a talent show with Terry Fator, who I assumed was pretty good at entertaining because every time I am TOTALLY SOBER™ in Vegas and riding around in cabs, I see ads for him. He’s that dude that you see on some Forbes list as making 50 million bucks a year and you think he must be aces.

Then you see he’s a fucking ventriloquist who does the same voice with all his puppets, is overweight and ISN’T THAT INCREDIBLE AT NOT MOVING HIS MOUTH WHEN HE HAS HIS HAND UP A PUPPET.

Sorry. Like, he’s a millionaire. It’s working out. But he moves his mouth. Sorry. OVER THE LINE!

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The twins do an Irish tap dance. Jubilee is the best and plays the cello in addition to defending our freedom and being an orphan. The racist soccer mom lady dressed up as a chicken which felt super honest. I mean, all in all it was fine.

And then Harry Potter Mermaid dresses up in some red sequined dress and pops out of cake and then just tools around for a while. She then has a fake panic attack. Makes ZERO FRIENDS™ and wastes the next hour of my life telling Benilla she was “not herself.”

Dude, she was the definition of HERSELF™.

That’s her. I just hope when Ben cuts her it is super fun for us in America. Her greatest contribution will be on Bachelor in Paradise this summer when she dates “whoever still hasn’t found a that Hollywood gig that isn’t coming ever” guy. Looking at you Bukowski. And Nick. And Sean Lowe.

I don’t even remember who got the rose.

The final one on one is with BLANK SPACE™, the girl from Chris’ season who is still a virgin and despite being a pretty nice person, I have no idea what is going on between her veneer’d smile and generally down-with-whatever attitude. If a light beer ad procreated with a Martha Stewart recipe – it’d be Blank Space.

You talk to her, it’s like:

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Ben gets ordained – 20 bucks, five minutes, trust me I’ve married four of my friends – and decides to marry people that were willing to sacrifice what is traditionally an important day for the cost of getting married in a Vegas drive thru chapel. Next time you pick on a girl on Instagram who DIDN’T PAY FOR ANY OF THAT™, remember at least she went to Dubai and got to drink champagne. These folks got to have Benilla marry them for a free prime rib and a savings of 75 dollars. DREAM BIG!

Time out. Real quick. 70 percent of these girls are voting for Trump, right? Gut feeling.

There’s a random TWIN OFF date where Ben goes to their house, meets their mom who is nice enough and then cuts Haley like fifth period French.

I don’t care. This whole thing was weird and I’m against people who have wooden sayings hung on their walls. You aren’t a butterfly.

Ben cuts two people I don’t remember after Olivia makes ZERO FRIENDS™. JoJo looked smokin’ in her greenish dress. WATCH THIS SPACE™.

Oh yeah, he punted Amber who is a mean girl anyway and then she drunk talked to herself by some random pool. Whatever. 

Tomorrow, we go to Mexico. I cannot wait. Sorry this was late, but we’re caught up. CAN’T WAIT.

XOXO, Gossip Zack.

Click the links below – I’ve enjoyed getting to know you all on Insta and friends.

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BachCap #2 and #3: Late but Lovely

QUICK UPDATE – This is two weeks in a row so we’re caught up. Enjoy.

Warning. I’m coming off a FULL BLOWN HUSTLE™ at work and then went to see Book of Mormon. The net result was the bourbon gave me two blissful hours of sleep, but then I woke up, watched a personal marathon of Rick Steves Europe (wait, you guys don’t do that?) and never went back to sleep. I guess what I’m saying is prepared for TERRIFIC SPELLING™.

I always enjoy that first shot in the mansion when you see the room and there’s like ten extra NINJA BABES™ who somehow snuck through all the cameras week one and are being primed to exist in a larger capacity going forward. I mean, to manage to get through all those cameras without being seen, even with editing, is just totally like when an art thief has to capoeira dance through a laser field.

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Who was the choreographer who came up with that? We all blindly accept laser dancing as the way to steal something valuable. Why is it never just a wall of lasers? Catherine Zeta Jones’ butt gif (see above) is probably the answer to my query but I’m too civilized for that. I’m not going to stop questioning the world just because Gordon Gekko’s wife uses her butt to rob things.

What were we talking about?

So, the world’s least controversial Bachelor who I’m calling Benilla™. Benilla Wafer is too far because those are interesting. They are great. They are the cookie you forget about (unless you are a freakshow banana pudding enthusiast) and then end up going wire to wire on the first whole box you see.

He’s just straight up Vanilla in the form of a man. And not the old world Vanilla is valuable way. Vanilla like the sad bastard cupcakes in the Sprinkles box that even your co-worker MOST LIKELY TO EAT THEIR FEELINGS™ leaves on the table.

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By the way. We’re definitely referring to his junk as Benana when the fantasy suites happen. Although I’m sure he’ll just respect them to death and be thinking “boobs are cool.” Whatever. I’ll be drunk.

The group date is at a high school. The first episode was all about how high school was where Benilla’s best memories come from. I was homecoming prince twice. I was president of the high school. I played sports. High school was great, but if I ever refer to those days as in my top ten, please mercy kill me. I ate a piece of bacon with hot sauce on it during an Arsenal match last weekend that probably was better than all of high school blended with a scoop of protein and some almond milk and some overnight oats. I’m married, btw.

So, yeah. Man boy had a group date in high school and the wicked ride Harrison took us on was nothing short of the beginning of every jock/cheerleader porn premise.

They had to make Benilla’s volcano explode in what was the least subtle visual metaphor ever. They bobbed for apples and debated girls with lacking MOUTH SKILLS™ (their words, not mine).

There later is a mandatory race between Amber and the Portland Dentist. She, being of Oregon, home of the best runners on earth, wins. Benilla is pretty excited because because this Dentist has a super power. In some lights, she is attractive. In some lights, her faces appears to be melting. It’s right out of Seinfeld.

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Girl You Wish You Weren’t Talking to at A Party, Lace has some A-grade meltdowns here. She’s in this weird, drunk state where she’s stealing Ben to chew him out about how he needs to get to know her and then delusional in thinking they are about to kiss. She’s good TV. Still, the look on Ben’s face whenever some girl “steals” him away is the same face you make when a meeting you’ve been dreaded is suddenly canceled. And then you go to happy hour. And score a phone number and find a fifty dollar bill on the ground.

The 1:1 is Caila, the girl who got messages from her television about dumped her boyfriend and going for Ben. The Television Whisperer™ who always makes the same faces The Little Mermaid makes when she learns something new about people who live on dry land.

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She is going on a date around LA in what is arguably the most depressing cross-promotion we’ve seen so far on this show. Often, we get some kind of loose thematic tie in – like, this Pixar movie is about being Brave and so we’re doing Scottish stuff and being brave. Fine. Kilts are and always will be good television.

But RIDE ALONG 2 is the film and so the date is we’re just going to go on a ride and then make a random stop or two? And worse, we got Kevin Hart and Ice Cube to do this. I love Kevin Hart and Ice Cube, for different reasons. But the last thing I want to see is Kevin Hart trying hard to make this not suck while Ice Cube cringes hoping this shit ends soon.

Want to know how I know Tupac is really dead? Because Ice Cube was on The Bachelor. If he was still alive, he’d have Tweeted a threat. Minimum. MINIMUM. Is minimum a palindrome? No. Damnit. This day just keeps getting worse.

I got a solid laugh when Ben and Ice Cube go into the liquor store because Ice Cube said some pretty funny stuff, but then I just got sad because they didn’t pay any of this off. They just went to a hot tub and waited for Tupac’s hologram to come in and fight all the producers. Straight Outta Whackton.

The next date was with a Love Doctor and suddenly I thought we were on some Bravo show you didn’t know exists and then your relatives from Missouri can’t stop talking about it and you are like WHAT FUCKING PLANET DO I LIVE ON? You drink a lot of wine and don’t care about being judged because they are there raving about Chipotle and Love Doctor on Bravo. You’re safe. Open another Pinot Gris. No one’s counting.

My wife just closed the browser.

They dressed all the girls in futuristic white outfits and started doing a bunch of tests that proved some pretty scientific stuff like “do my eyes go right to Ben’s junk or Sean Lowe’s” – a pointless question. My eyes go to the circuit breaker and the exit route. Eff this date.

Olivia was unbearable here. Despite being I think what’d we’d all agree is traditionally attractive, she has two minor affectations. The first is she is constantly in ACTOR POLISHED MODE™ – for those of you with actors in your extended circle, you know what I mean. It’s like, I asked you how your salad is, why do you sound like you are selling me a George Forman grill in an infomercial. Just talk. This salad is honestly surprisingly impressive. I am not used to salads this good this far east of La Brea. I have been sleeping on this! Oh! How is yours? I’m not normally a fan of kale caesars, but let’s be honest, society can’t be wrong, am I right? Let me pretend to have a bite. 

The second affectation is her terrifying, insane eyes wide mouth expressions. She’s the world’s first person to have a dentist told her “open less wide”.

Mouth closed, mouth smiling, she’s definitely attractive, so not picking on her there. It’s just when she does this:

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…She starts to look like the evil mermaids from Harry Potter…

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So, yeah. Try sleeping after that.

She wins the date and spares us from Ben smelling a bunch of girls butt’s like the golden retriever he is. I felt bad for the lawyer, who seems like a good person, because he said she smelled sour. On national TV. And then later said she smelled like passion fruit. I guess the new produce came in.

She got sent home anyway along with the Dentist who is standing behind me with a needle of novocaine in my neck demanding I tell you how great she is. She’s the best. XOXO, PDX.

INTERMISSION.

I’m back, and so is the show.

Date one is with the flight attendant who is an Oregon Denier – which is shameful, though she is likeable and uh, in quite good shape.

Ben takes her on an airplane ride, which is great because she lives on airplanes. Like giving a florist flowers, dude. She’s got this. Benilla has a hope bracelet and wears a leather helmet for the ride. He says something about the view of her and the ocean both being great. I mean look, if Ben had the game to be gross, this would be. He just was trying hard so again, this falls into the category of HEY BEN I NEED A RIDE TO THE AIRPORT, GRAB ME AND I’LL BUY THE IN-N-OUT.

Ben says yes in that story, btw. The way Batman reacts to the Bat-Signal. He just goes.

They fly somewhere random that for no reason has a hot tub there.

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I mean, I guess when you run out of ideas, put a hot tub on it.

The chemistry here seems genuine, because why on earth wouldn’t it be. I think when two people that look like every happy couple stock photo sit in warm water and make out, an angel gets its wings. This is the bachelor at it’s most bachelor. Sometimes this girl wins, sometimes she doesn’t. She definitely might.

Their night date is a lot of pretty open dialogue and while I love girls that love their dad, she really loves her dad. So why did she run from Oregon? What is buried in his apparently-immaculate front yard. Why is this total fox, kind flight attendant who literally has to feed alcohol to hundreds of eligible businessmen a day single? WHAT HAPPENED IN THE FOREST LAUREN?

Also, every time someone said Lauren B. all I heard was Warren G and I started whistling Regulators in my head – just like you are doing right now – THAT’S PRIMING. I CONTROL YOUR MIND. By Mennen™. BELIEVE IT. I’M PLAYING YOU LIKE A PIANO.

Then we go out to a barn where Ben has trouble opening the door to reveal SISTER AMBROISA! Or someone. I have no idea who these people are beyond the fact the lead singer going for the 50 going on 22 look and her backing band was doing that thing I hate where country musicians dress like 90s hair metal rock stars on vacation in Arizona. Just wear a shirt dude. You’re playing the accordion in some country band. You don’t need a leather vest and leather cowboy hat. You just need to play accordion and even that is up for debate.

Caila, the TV Whisperer is at the mansion ALREADY CRYING™ because she can’t believe Ben is going on dates and she’s in love. I guess when you can fall in love via television, you feel things more than the rest of us. I’d really have hated watching the part in Up where they grow old together with her. Like being in the world’s worst Shamu Splash Zone and I’m factoring in whale torture in this assessment. I would rather be covered in abusive whale water than her tears.

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There’s a group date at my alma mater of USC to play soccer with two of my favorites, Alex Morgan and Kelley O’Hara, who just won the World Cup and set a great example to women everywhere. They competed for women, they competed for their nation and today, they are helping girls who have never played soccer compete to sit on a couch surrounded by trees aglow with mood lighting.

Dream big.

Kelley O’Hara went to Stanford. She kicks so much ass on the field and then acts cute about it. Violent, Stanford grad with adorable way of dominating foreign nations.

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In otherwise, she’s not a contestant on this show. That said, get a new agent because you both are better than this (you heard me Alex).

The game is pretty fun though, especially for Ben who like a moth to a flame or a cat to a lazer pointed, has to run around anytime any sport breaks out going “OHHHHH!” anytime literally anything happens.

Highlights were Alex Morgan laughing at these girls and of course Emily, Twin 1, being a really aggressive goalie. YOU ARE THE GOOD TWIN, EMILY.

Stripes win.

At the night date, it’s a full assault on aggressive Toothy Mermaid. She’s being predictably annoying and self-absorbed, but the rest of the girls 100% go full Lord of the Flies on her. This is the kind of woman-on-woman crime that makes that glass ceiling bulletproof people. Love thy fellow idiot competing for love against you on television. Nevermind. Just fight.

The girls start saying she’s got gross toes and I’m pretty sure something came out about her augmentations. The real part of interest was when she got downstairs and it talking about it, she just asks – is it my cankles?

Fantastic. This was some real awareness for cankles and now the producers will wait at least two weeks before we get a shot of the cankles and the feet. Now I just want to know. I don’t care and I want to know.

Up next, one of the most interesting dates in Bachelor history. Jubilee, one of the most interesting women ever allowed to be on this show. A rough history, military service, zero fucks about being authentic and pretty awkward socially, Jubilee is very real. How will this go? It’s almost painful watching her get excited for the date.

She is nervous day of and gives Ben hell for being late and then since she doesn’t like helicopters, teases if anyone else wants to swap they can.

Oh yeah.

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FINALLY.

This date is totally interesting. She is spitting out caviar. She is telling him her favorite food is hot dogs. She makes it sexual. And also not. She calls him white boy.

She actually made Ben seem way, way more authentic than he seemed. I mean, I know he’s nice and all, but he kind of was a better, more interesting version of himself with her. And she, a more understandable complex woman. Isn’t that what makes relationships great? Not to be all TOTALLY FUCKING RIGHT™ about relationships, but the good ones are ones that help you understand how you interact with the world. It’s a close friend who loves you when you aren’t at your best and is good at helping you not be your worst.

For a moment, I felt like I was watching a better show. HOW DARE YOU™.

She gets the rose and this whole thing is weird because WHO KNEW?!

Cocktail party starts with Ben admitting he just found out some friends from home died in a plane crash. He’s hoping for a good night. It’s a good opportunity to see how comforting these girls are. And for Toothy Mermaid to talk about her cankles. I feel like she was crying and practicing news lead-ins about cankle awareness in her room listening to Debbie Gibson records on full blast. She scares me.

Jubilee, who the house hates because she is different (read into that as cynically as you want) just sets up a massage table to rub Ben down. Not in a gross way though for the first time in Bach history. She actually is talking about his feelings. I felt like they get each other. The main point is that Ben really needed this it seemed like. I kept waiting for this to get awkward, it just didn’t. She didn’t make it about her at all.

And then the BRAINDEAD HITMAN Amber comes in to kill the game. Ben’s not happy, but he’s not a rager so he just gets up and deals with it.

Twenty minutes later, Jubilee is dropping truth bombs like “this ain’t cute” and she tries to not get sucked in. Amber won’t let it go. Ben, who likes her, decides he’s gonna comfort her. Amber attacks again. WTF. Bad look. When former contestants don’t get that this is like driving your car into an brick wall, it drives me insane. It’s like playing baseball and not understanding you run to first after you hit the ball. It’s worse. It’s batting without a bat.

Out of nowhere, Lace sends herself home. I know people love her, I’m bored. Sad she’s not happy with herself. Hope she fixes it. She already fixed the show by leaving though. There’s real drama this year. Whatever happens with Jubilee will blow my mind. She’s the most interesting person to be on this show in years. I’m rooting for a good outcome for her whatever that may be.

ALL IN.

And welcome to all the new friends on Instagram and Twitter. Appreciate it. Spread the link like a virus.

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BachCap: May We All Be So Unlovable

I haven’t checked my blog in a long time. I got tired of writing about college football. Some of it is to do with the documentary I was a part of that chronicles the struggles of players with CTE. I still love watching though. Mainly, though, it’s just that when I started this blog in 2008(?), I was a young, unmarried buck with a screenwriting degree from USC and a job.

Now, some 5 million views later, I’m enjoying Rogaine’s losing battle with the crown of my head and spend a lot of my time on airplanes because I have a career that I love. I feel a deep responsibility to my Bachelor readers though. Every city I go (I see the same hoes), I seem to Kevin Bacon a fan of it. I’ve never taken a job at a new agency where I didn’t meet a few people who read it. It’s a great ice breaker. My job is to understand pop culture and this dumb show is where culture pops.

This may be my last season. I say that a lot, but every year I debate going to live tweeting. I’ll end by saying that all the tweets and comments make it worthwhile, so they are appreciated by my ego. I cry a lot at night.

Real quick. When you log into your blog, you have to delete a lot of spam. The only non spam I got is one of my hottest posts of all time, from an era before you guys read it, where I took on Jack Links beef jerky over a bag of moldy dehydrated cow. Enjoy it here and a picture of me from when I ate non-alcohol related carbs like a coward (ew, gross, fuck you bread). People still get angry about moldy jerky so in 2016, maybe stop being so selfish donating money to Planned Parenthood, cancer research and Autism Speaks and help raise some awareness for moldy beef jerky. To this date, I am the cause’s greatest champion (even if Jack Links is a fine, fine product).

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Hiiiiiii Ben.

Ben is from Caitlyn’s season and lost because he doesn’t vaguely resemble the byproduct of a horse and Ryan Gosling’s more temperamental brother. He made it to the final three, which he probably describes as “third base” because this man is not a man, he is a man boy, or possibly a teenager with an old soul. Or possibly a ten year old who is wearing his dad’s clothes and shoes and carrying a briefcase of play-doh around the living room adorably.

I love this Ben guy. Why wouldn’t I? I’ve had many friends like Ben and they are some of my favorites. In-N-Out run? Ben, drive dude, you aren’t as drunk as we are. I have to take some shit to Goodwill. Ben, you’re down to come along, right? Your life starts-and-stops when you leave my field of vision, right?

I fucking love those friends. We lose these friends to wives who take over the remote control at some point and you know what? The Bens miss us because when their wives are saying “Ben, want to go to Pottery Barn, there’s a cable knit throw I think would be super cozy” he is remembering when I called him and said “Ben, if you get here in ten minutes, you can drink the remaining wounded soldier bottles of liqueurs we have left over from that party and then go to a questionable strip club where you can get a lap dance like a deer in the headlights and I can psychoanalyze the one in a wig before ultimately puking in the backseat of your car.”

Ben prefers that. Father time does not. Even reading that back, I kind of just want to go to Pottery Barn and get that cable knit throw. Maybe watch some Harry Potter with a hot toddy? Goblet of Fire? I don’t care if Cedric dies, I hate Robert Pattinson. Come on, it’s the perfect mix between light hearted butter beer fun and the beginnings of peril. It’s the apex moment of the series.

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MY WIFE JUST CLOSED THE BROWSER.

Ben lives in Warsaw, Indiana which even looks like Warsaw, Poland (on a map)

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I mean, minus the famous landmarks of genocide, but likely with a solid amount of anti-semitism. I don’t want to judge. Yes I do. This town is so white it vanishes after a snowfall.

For Ben, “this is America” – because of course it is. For me, it’s where I end up if no less than forty-five consecutive things go NOT ACCORDING TO PLAN™. I mean, I’d rather be in Poland, Warsaw because at least that’s Europe. I could see some paintings and an architecturally significant church or something.

We get to see Ben shooting basketballs on a hoop the producers nailed to a barn some location scout found working on [Insert Nicholas Sparks film].

Holy shit. If Ben had any edge, he’d be a Sparksian hero. Just coined Sparksian™. Take that.

Ben says his biggest fear is being unlovable, which is pretty fun for a guy who is cast in a show where girls go buckwild for the right to love him. In fairness, Ben’s previous biggest fear was not knowing the difference between Pinot Noir and Pinot Gris.

He shows us his high school and a bunch of other shit that made me depressed. He shows us his parents who live on a lake and clearly live to wipe his ass (I actually like this about them). His mother is straight up Catherine O’Hara from Home Alone. I kept yelling “KEVIN!” at the TV.

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If nice guys finish last, I get the sense Ben is one of the “nice guys finish first” kinds of guys. I mean that sexually.

There’s a quick brainstorming session with Sean Lowe, Ben Old Balls and Chris from last season. Chris stayed mainly in shape and confirmed he was not here for the right reasons. Old Balls was fine but why are you here? There must be little league or something. I can’t wait to have little league to be at.

And Sean Lowe, please just stop being on television. What the hell is up with your hair? It’s like Grown Sexy is using him for some kind of weird Scandinavian Boy Band cosplay. She was going for One Direction but ended up with Wrong Direction.

I’m going to breeze through the women just because this first week is a total cluster and it’s a marathon not a sprint (it’s hard to sprint through the television equivalent of a river of manure, though I guess it’s hard to distance run through it too).

The Pacific Northwest was being attacked, likely because people in LA are tired of hearing how great Portland is. Well, it is. I won’t live here forever I’m sure, but Portland is pretty great and just because you found a Dental Hyena to wear a big rose on her head and have a face that looks like it is melting under studio lights doesn’t mean PDX is all like that. Just because you found a woman from Seattle who is a chicken enthusiast doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy Mary’s Chicken with flash fried maple glazed Brussels and rainbow carrots with a tall Rainer and a short whiskey up in the PNW. Just because there’s a flight attendant who is claiming to be from California because she won’t claim to be from Portland doesn’t mean we want her back. I have dual citizenship. #RCTID

There’s a mother of two girls who is from Laguna, got a big time settlement (or invented Tinder or something) and seems pretty nice. She probably isn’t.

Caila is pretty ridiculous. She literally dumped her boyfriend when she saw Ben. On TV. Ben, run dude. If the world allowed her on the show, thus confirming that these things happen to people due to the Kahneman and Tversky concept of WYSIATI (what you see is all there is), she is VERY likely to leave you for fucking Batman one day. She’ll run right out of the theatre. Like that behavioral economics reference? I am very smart. I also spelled theatre like a British person. You’d probably enjoy being my friend IRL.

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And TWIIIIIIINS. Miller Lite 90s chauvinistic advertising reference™.

They are from Vegas, which is like Phoenix if it got puked on twice as much – which is saying something because I’ve partied at ASU.

They are so, so, so empty-headed but I kind of love them. They finish each other’s sandwiches. Hey, that’s what I was gonna say! Jinx. Jinx, again!

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Searching for that pic, I found this card. If you receive it, report the sender to child services or something.

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The best was the villain. Some in the room were calling her a drunk Sarah Silverman. But for me, she was Cecily Strong’s Girl You Wish You Hadn’t Started A Conversation With At A Party.

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Scuze me, Ben. You weren’t looking at me and that’s bad cuz guess what? Eyes are the window to the soul. Soul. Soulmates. Exactly. You’re welcome. And also, get your priority straight. Priori-me, Ben. Whoa. Right?

She definitely was not a choice of Ben’s, but the producers said SHE’S GOLD. Credit to her, she was wasted upon arriving, but kept it at PREMIUM FUNKY™ for a ceremony that ended in the light of day.

I appreciated the girl who hiked Ben a football, but for a brief moment as she bent over and hiked up her prom dress you thought Is this finally the moment someone defecates on television to find a spouse?

Lastly, the Ronda Burgundy, the Austin newscaster. Ben, she’s going to destroy you. She looks like Cameron Diaz in the day but I’m promising you two things. She’s going to be an UGLY CRIER™.

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She’s also “quitting her job” to interview at every news station in the country all at once and her acting like you broke her heart is only helping.

BEWARE.

See you next week.

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Closed for Two Games

Hey folks.

I’m taking some quality PTO which you may follow on Instagram. In the meantime, you’ll have to suffer two weeks without trash talking. In fairness, if there’s any suffering to be had, it’ll be defensively.

FTFO and hope on my travels I get the requisite wifi to enjoy the games.

Bearfighter

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The Bearfighter’s Field Manual to Stanford Cardinal

Good day to you all. It’s a good day for me because today I get to talk about a real opponent. I get to talk about a team we all can’t stand for a million different reasons. I’m talking about a team that isn’t a rival of ours, but a team that we get up for. I’m talking about a team that once had a coach that once had our coach’s number.

cYbtY

But those coaches are gone to the NFL (and one is back at in college again, the one who didn’t coach at USC) and and what we have is round two of the Sark v Shaw matchup, one we have liked so far. One that randomly had Pat Haden arguing with refs. It took on WWE characteristics.

MMXykBW

The record was set straight last year. Balance was returned to the Force. But now we play again and unlike 2015 LA Times Playoff Champions UCLA Rosens, this is the week where we’re being looked at to prove we’re legit. Josh Rosen was legit when he was conceived in the manger of Tom Brady’s nativity scene made of pure gold and cashmere.

This also marks the first week where the BFM can actually help you with an opposing fan base you may know someone from. Being Trojans, you probably work amazing places and to be fair to Stanford, they are nothing if not smart. So your company probably has some Cardinal (so weird plural) managing the finances or doing the jobs that are depressing to you, Guy With German Sportscar And A Good Excuse To Slip Out Everyday At 4:57. FIGHT ON, YOU TROJAN!

Let’s get you prepped for these clowns who control most of our economy and government.

SCHOOL

Let’s get one thing straight. There’s no way I am covering everything about Leland Stanford Jr. University for Awful Bands. There has never been a school more fascinated with themselves than Stanford. It’s not a coincidence the South Park episode about smug Prius drivers who sniff their own farts from wine glasses took place in the Bay Area.

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So here it is. Stanford was founded by a railroad magnate who was also a senator and a governor and probably a wonderful badminton player and it was founded in the name of his son, who died of typhoid fever before he turned 16.

stock footage of the incident

stock footage of the incident

Basically they took 5 million dollars (131 of current millions) and were like – let’s make the best school in California at everything but football and frankly they succeeded. Good for you.

It’s hard to really pick on Stanford for their educational prowess, other than for the farm thing. The farm thing feels like it was for a different reason than you think. Like why Jared from Subway liked speaking to middle schools. (too soon?)

One of the founding goals of this admittedly incredible institution that loves the smell of its own farts was “to maintain on the Palo Alto estate a farm for instruction in agriculture in all its branches.”

So they bought a big farm and are referred to as The Farm to this day.

We know why Stanford. Goats are irresistible to you.

You needed goats around as spiritual and sexual partners. They needed to always be there. There needs to be a farm nearby at all times. You ever wonder why goats scream in videos? It’s because goat moms tell them if they are bad and eat too much garbage, they will be sent to The Farm.

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I mean, why else might the best non Ivy League university have such an insistence on what can only be interpreted is a deep-seeded need to always be near goats?

The evidence is everywhere.

The tradition of goat love continued long into the Harbaugh tenure.

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Because beyond being a great quarterback (except last week) and being incredibly well spoken, Andrew Luck went to the NFL and grew his beard out to look like this:

Jan 11, 2014; Foxborough, MA, USA; Indianapolis Colts quarterback Andrew Luck (12) in the first half during the 2013 AFC divisional playoff football game against the New England Patriots at Gillette Stadium. Mandatory Credit: Mark L. Baer-USA TODAY Sports

Jan 11, 2014; Foxborough, MA, USA; Indianapolis Colts quarterback Andrew Luck (12) in the first half during the 2013 AFC divisional playoff football game against the New England Patriots at Gillette Stadium. Mandatory Credit: Mark L. Baer-USA TODAY Sports

I left that embedded “mandatory credit” in because somehow I doubt Mark L. Baer thought his stirring 21st century rendition of a male goat sex slave would be used to UNCOVER THE TRUTH. He just wanted credit. CREDIT YOU GET, SIR.

Guys. I’m going to skip the rest of this section. Stanford is a wonderful university. They have alumni who invented everything from Google to Yahoo to putting out a high volume of congressmen – wait. Fuck these guys. Nevermind.

Beyond the goat stuff, what the hell do they do to trees there?

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And why do they allow them to sexually abuse cheerleaders?

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And why does their campus look like Taco Bell?

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It’s insane. For a place called the Farm that mandated they exist on a farm, the sure are messed up to goats and trees. I may not be a Farmacist (see what I did there), but I’m pretty sure there’s a chart somewhere explaining to be a good Farm, you probably look out for your trees and your goats.

Goats of Stanford, give us you weak, your abused. We have plenty of garbage in downtown LA for you to eat and our coeds are pretty enough that we can just raise you as pets, not as partners. Also, we’re super into goat cheese salads produced humanely.

Do people at Stanford sleep with goats? I don’t know. Is it too low? Probably.

But to evoke Kevin Kline in the Oscar winning film Wild Wild West, whether they sleep with farm animals or not, it’s just fun to hear them deny it.

And the evidence is more overwhelming than the case for Josh Rosen being named Heisman before week 3.

FOOTBALL TRADITION

The Harbaugh years admittedly were rough on us. Any Farm fan will refer to this period if they have the guts to debate football with you (in between giving the closest goat a hickey). They may try to malign our quarterbacks in the pros because Andrew Luck is a success.

Look. He may be the Greatest Of All Time. He’s the G.O.A.T.

Wait. STFU.

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Goats. All day.

Outside the Harbaugh era, looking at our football history in the nauseating depth Stanford looks at it’s history down to where the benches on their campus are placed and what goats they are named after, paints a picture that is hard to refute.

We’ve won 60 games (counting the “vacated” one that will come back after the McNair deal resolves) to their 29. We won 12 in a row at one point. The reason they harp on Harbaugh and love that 55-21 win in 2009 is because that was their biggest margin of victory over us ever. I can’t be bothered to list how many times we’ve done worse to them, but for the sake of brevity, here’s a definitive beat down in every decade we’ve played them that shook their cultural memory:

  • 13-0, 1919 (they didn’t score)
  • 10-0, 1928 (same deal)
  • 33-0, 1939
  • 14-0, 1947 (we took a few years off to win WWII)
  • 54-7, 1952
  • 30-0, 1967
  • 49-0, 1977 (our biggest beatdown)
  • 30-6, 1985
  • 34-9, 1998
  • 42-0, 2006

So, in other words, if Stanford has an argument, it’s that for the first half of the 10s, we haven’t given them a signature defeat. Maybe Saturday? History would dictate it will happen in the next five meetings.

We’ve won 11 National Titles to their adorable 2, both before 1941. Think about that. Your grandpa thought they were irrelevant for most of his life and your dad has never found them relevant.

They have a losing bowl record. This is pretty much where I’d hang my hat. Leave it there for UCLA and Oregon too.

We’ve put 2x the dudes in the NFL they have. They’ve never spent a week at #1 in the AP poll. Ever. We’ve spent 91 weeks there. That’s enough time to create two human lives. Two champion babies.

A good tip for analyzing our teams is just double the success. Like Josh Rosen does anytime he does anything.

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CURRENT EVENTS

Stanford rides into this game on a goat frustrated by a 1-1 record and constant advances from the faculty. They lost a very, very ugly game to Northwestern in the traditionally not-at-all-hostile grounds of Evanston. That said, they got back off the mat and beat up UCF.

To be clear, I expect this to be a close game. Stanford just moves it slowly, smartly and Mr. Hogan is a veteran QB who can manage a game.

He certainly manages his team better than Stanford’s been managing their #1 in the world Graduate School of Business, which is reeling from a love triangle scandal that would be more interesting if anyone involved was attractive.

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They are all, however, great at business. But not as great as Josh Rosen is at football.

I’m off to Seattle for a wedding. Have a lovely weekend. I know Josh Rosen will.

The Nike Football Training Camp in Los Angeles, CA.

 

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The Bearfighter’s Field Manual to Idaho Vandals

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Admittedly last week was disappointing, knowing Josh Rosen has locked up the Heisman. It seems a forgone conclusion that the Bruins will win the National Championship by October as they did last year. Frankly, I’m not even thinking about Rosen for Heisman. I’m thinking he’s a front runner for the 2016 Presidential Election.

In other news, our own blue chippers dropped PlayStation stats on an awful team and well, Cody Kessler tossed 4 touchdowns in a losing-Heisman-status to Josh Rosen performance that drew comparisons to former Labor Day Heisman Winner Brett Hundley.

This week we play the Idaho Vandals and that’s not the first time. But the gist is the season won’t start until we play Stanford. But hey, for those of you like me who sort of live near Idaho, or just potato lovers in general, this BFM is taking a second week of cupcakes.

LET’S GO!

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SCHOOL

Idaho is the public university in Idaho.

Now that we’ve covered that sentence, let’s get to the first thing that jumps out. Their endowment is something like 250 million dollars, but the land they are on is worth over 800 million dollars. Let’s not mince words. The University of Idaho is worth less than the land it’s on.

That’s true of most schools in places like California, but for the purpose of heckling any random Idaho fans you run into while skiing, looking at nature or enjoying potatoes, feel free to make this point to them. If that fails, let them know you think it’s messed up they are in a town called Moscow. In what’s a fairly Republican (read: super-against-anything-that-sounds-like-communism-even-if-it-isn’t), I want you to know that they put their state school in a town called Moscow.

Locals may claim that this is because there was a cow that died and was covered in moss due to the sands of time thus earning the name Cow of Moss, then Americanized to Moss Cow and shortened for Twitter use to Moscow, but in reality these guys just totally love Stalin.

They don’t call them French Fries in Moscow. They call them Bolshev-sticks. Is that true? I don’t care. Just like this game. We don’t care and neither does Google Chairman of the Board, Josh Rosen.

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They have a beautiful administration building (so they tell me), but it’s not the first. The first burned down and the cause is not known but sources (me) are claiming it was the Mensheviks, obviously as a reaction to the naming of french fries Bolshev-sticks. This is Moscow we’re talking about.

It’s also worth noting Sarah Palin can see the University of Idaho from her home in Alaska.

Moscow is unique in that it is a cartoon city where everything is well labeled, as evidenced by this map, which Art Historian Emeritus at the Met in New York Josh Rosen called, “transcendent, like my stat line against Virginia.”

moscow-poster-t

 

There appears to be many hot air balloons and even a chili pepper riding what looks like a loaf of bread with a saddle.

One cool thing happened at U of I. Teddy Roosevelt once gave a speech there and he stood on a platform made out of wheat. I’d buy that for a dollar.

There’s a path on campus called the Hello Walk (which is probably also a brother-sister electronic indie duo from Brooklyn where you aren’t sure which is the brother and which is the sister) that was designed by the same person who designed Central Park. I guess people were required to say hello to each other back in the day, but like the Bolsheviks, this no longer exists.

The school has a steam plant that helps power it. Still. I know I should be stoked because I generally am down with eco-friendly solutions, but I just can’t picture the USC steam plant unless it was a sauna hot girls took instagrams in. HEY MAX NIKIAS. IDEA.

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Youngbloods on campus, don’t say I never threw you one.

The Idaho Greek system has actually led the school in GPA since 2011, which means:

  • They don’t party hard enough
  • The school is too easy
  • The rest of the student body huffs paint thinner

Oh, kept reading. 80% of the school has a 3.0 or better. It’s easy.

Really scraping the bottom here, but I guess they used to use Wisconsin’s fight song as their own before they let a lawyer write their current one, which I don’t expect to hear much anyway.

FOOTBALL TRADITION

For the second straight week, we get a Sun Belt opponent proving that it is in fact a real thing and not an acid flashback from a wild Thursday night on 28th Street.

COfAdxeVAAAL_b-

This Wikipedia explanation of their school colors is amazing:

The university’s official colors are silver and gold, honoring the state’s mining tradition. Because these metallic colors in tandem are not visually complementary for athletic uniforms, black and gold are the prevalent colors for the athletic teams, with an occasional use of silver, similar to Colorado, whose official colors are also silver and gold. When Idaho moved out of the Big Sky to the Big West in 1996, the yellow “Green Bay” gold was changed to metallic “Vegas” gold.[3] Yellow gold and black were the colors used by most of the varsity teams from 1978 to 1996, initiated by first-year head football coach Jerry Davitch‘s new uniforms for 1978.

There’s so much thought that went into this, yet no thought went into answering the question of if a town called Moscow was a good place to put a school and when they did put a school there, did they really need a football team?

I do love the idea of “Vegas gold” – it sounds like a strain of marijuana your in-fraternity dealer overpriced back when it was illegal and stuff.

Vegas gold, of course, got it’s name from the color of International Hair Model Josh Rosen’s fabulous golden locks, which by ounce is more expensive than Spanish saffron (and equally delicious in paellas).

This school has played in so many conferences it earned the nickname “The Harlot of the Inland Northwest” in 2015 when I just wrote that right now. Honestly, there’s less variety in a brothel than their list of conferences.

They got their nickname “Vandals” after they “vandalized” their opponents. This was around the time Teddy Roosevelt was giving speeches on mounds of hay (as previously mentioned), so it’s hard to know if vandalized meant “they played well” or they “covered opponents tractors in shaving cream” – which would have been the kind with a brush because I’m fairly sure aerosols weren’t a thing back then.

These guys do their Vandalizing in the “Kibbie Dome” – which should have been a silo for storing pet kibble, only it isn’t. It’s a four sport stadium that seats 16,000 fans in case anyone wonders why this wasn’t a home and home.

West End Entryway

They are probably using it for a regional dog show.

It looks as though you might store grain there in the harsh Idaho winters, but sadly, that would compete too much with the product of the field.

In trying to learn something about their rivals, I found maybe the single most depressing paragraph ever regarding their rivalry with Washington State (who lost to Portland State last week and no one here in Portland even knew):

Two of the recent games played in Pullman (1999 and 2001) were designated as Idaho “home games” to help reach existing NCAA minimum attendance requirements. The 2004 game was a designated Idaho home game for revenue purposes.

Oh man, gotta love a rivalry where it is literally possible to designate a home game. We should flop BYU and WSU for that alone. Or just keep Utah, lose WSU and Colorado and go back to the Pac Ten – sounded cooler.

CURRENT EVENTS

Idaho got rolled at home by Ohio in their own grain silo, multi use barn. They gave up 21 points in the first quarter. Like I said last week, if USC loses this game, we at least get to see a Disney movie about it.

The most important thing this week for USC is the impending victor of Todd McNair in his lawsuit against the NCAA, who litigate by shooting themselves in the foot while getting caught pissing on a cop car’s tires and then botching a suicide attempt when questioned.

McNair will get his. Pat Haden, hope you are ready to threaten suit, get us our fake wins and bowl dollars back and make a better point than we’ve been able to make to this point.

8 time Grammy award winner Josh Rosen believes in you.

 

 

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