Lost Angeles

Under what looks like the snake-charming powers of international drug mule Chris Harrison, Desiree (Kabuki) is giving preview interviews to fire people up about her incredible journey to fail at finding love.  She gave THIS INTERVIEW to E! Online and I was having a hard time getting through it.  I think that’s because Bachelor/ette contestants somehow think they need to act like politicians and give non-answers.

I am in this business of covering this show now for different reasons.  Initially, it was to entertain my wife and hopefully get tens of thousands of women (and dudes) to worship the running dialogue people who watch television with me in person have enjoyed (hated?) for years.  CHECK.

The second goal now must become to finally have a super contestant.  A contestant that has read the blog and is committed to subtly making the kinds of moves that create a game-changer for the show.  I’m talking helicopters that take you to another helicopter that takes you to a helicopter museum.  I’m talking about the bachelor getting so drunk that they can’t do a rose ceremony.  I’m talking making two contestants compete for a rose by calling their parents and telling them they’ve been arrested for prostitution, first one to blink can blink the next time in coach flying their ass back home.

So.  Here’s how I’d answer some of the questions from this E! interview if I was Desiree:

You seemed heartbroken when Sean eliminated you. Why put yourself through this very public experience again?

Everyone seems heartbroken at 5am without food or water, just chardonnay.  It’s like letting a rancid grape eat your belly from the inside.  I put myself through this again because before I actually meet a real civilian to marry, I want to make out with as many morons as I can AND FAST.  If college was experimentation  this is my Master’s in bad decisions and I am doing it on the fast track.  Plus, it’s almost summer and they said they’d pay for spray tans and any pregnancies that may occur.

Any regrets now that you’ve finished filming?

I regret letting them serve me all those fake meals on my 1 on 1 dates.  We’re usually filming in a third world country so Chris Harrison can traffic narcotics, so some of these meals that we are too drunk to eat or they’ve been sitting out too long to eat, or whatever, I don’t know science…  These meals could help people and in the end, they are only helping create the illusion that contestants eat during this show.  When was the last time you wanted to make out in a hot tub after eating a plate of rice, beans and plantains?  Are you fucking kidding me?  I’ve gone to the bathroom and not looked in the mirror when I WENT TO THE BATHROOM after a meal like that at Versailles in LA after a casting party I was so full.  I hadn’t eaten since a week before Sean booted me.  I’m not wasting it on this food.  Food that could have helped local children eat. I am a big time believer in philanthropizing.

Did someone put a ring on it?

I assumed we’re not talking about a sex toy, right?  Instead of giving you a no comment like this is a legal case and not brain cancer for television watchers, I’ll say this.  This journey is about one thing, having a ring for a couple weeks before you break up and possibly, one day, being on Dancing With The Stars and having people ask “what is that chick from?”  A girl can dream.

Think back to the mansion on night one. What were you thinking?

Don’t fart when the mics are on.  Don’t get high on your own supply.  Chris Harrison taught me that.

A lot of folks blamed your brother’s treatment of Sean during your hometown date for your dismissal. Did you let him near your new batch of boys?

The actor known as my brother is contractually obligated to try and intimidate my suitors.  It’s fun because in the day he’s the most amazing CrossFit instructor and the couple times we hooked up, he was TOTES different than he was on the show.

What were you looking for in your last man standing?

Someone who couldn’t end up the next bachelor because contractually, anyone like that I have to dump so America likes them.  Like what happened to me.  It’s like that song by those animals in the Lion King.  Circle of Life.  I was always impressed animals could write a song like that.

What was your strategy to narrow down the initial 25?

Dump people when Harrison tells me to and preferably after we make out.  Also, keep the meathead, violent creep around just so no one sleeps comfortably.

If you did find love, would you want a televised wedding?

That’s hilarious.

Would you move for love?

Is that another song from Lion King?

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Monday is upon us.  My sleepy offseason comes to a rest.  There was some fine weather here in Portland and somehow the grey, flannel blanket of perpetual rain was tugged back over the city just in time for me to have to start watching this show again.  It’s not a coincidence.  One day when I shut this blog down, the sun will come out forever and you can picture me tap dancing in a sunny garden, smoking cigars and lighting firecrackers.

But until then, we will BachCap boldly into the night.

Am I excited about Des’ season?  Not really.  She’s moderately funny, moderately hot, moderately nice.  Outside of chugging milk she literally just milked out of an animal, she was pretty middle of the road.  She got the nickname Joey Potter because, well she looks like her a bit, but also because she was moderately everything.

Now, in civilian life, she may be a knockout, 10 out of 10, but my scale is for the show.  For instance, Chantal O. from a few seasons back was a 10.  She was a hot mess, she was down to make mistakes with men, she pretended to be turned on by having sex in a creepy outdoor mosquito-infested safari treehouse, her parents had an insane house and she stress ate and drank so hard that she had daily weight fluctuations.  She was perfect.  Chantal Om-nom-nom.

The Jeromian Bachelor Grading Scale is not about your ability to function in real life.  It’s about how much fun will we have on the show.  How many helicopters will you take.  Will you rappel off a building.  Will you find love on a journey to a third world country.  These are the variables.  It’s not personal.

Desiree is wildly hard to predict.  Her brother was certifiably crazy although there were some weird outtakes where it seemed like he was a paid actor or just some meatstick they found at a one-word nightclub inland of San Diego.  Also, she didn’t seem like that was HER house they did the interview in.  Her family didn’t act like they were rich and she works in a bridal store (a good one so I hear).  I don’t know what she makes, but just in general she didn’t seem to know her way around her house.

So, there’s hope that’s she’s a total ponzi liar, but I am not holding out.  That said, she’s so middle of the road, we could get an Ali season, which at the time I thought sucked and now realize was the high water mark.

But you can’t be Joey Potter and be the main event.  So I went to her ABC.com promo…

Wait, what?

Remember this tan person?  This show is totally known for extreme makeovers but I swear my first thought here was she was trying out for Star Wars.

So I mean, we could have called her Princess Amidala or Star Wars Natalie Portman.  That wouldn’t fly though because she doesn’t really look like Natalie Portman and my stripper name up here in Oregon is, in fact, Natalie Portland.

I wondered if this will usher the end of the highlighter era on this show, where they take a girl, spray tan her purple and stick her in electric lemonade colored clothes.  This seems like they are REVERSE SPRAY TANNING Desiree.  Being a Japanese History buff, I will tell you this practice reminded me of a form of theatre you see across the land of the rising sun.

I give you Desiree, Kabuki Star.  For those confused, Kabuki is is a classical Japanese dance-drama. Kabuki theatre is known for the stylization of its drama and for the elaborate make-up worn by some of its performers.  I took that from Wikipedia.

But why are they making Desiree whiter?  Are they GOING TO JAPAN CUZ THAT WOULD BE AWESOME.  IS SHE GOING TO MAKE A BUNCH OF MEATHEADS DO KABUKI?

Ask Kabuki Star.  As usual, I may have to change the nickname depending on content, but we’re less than a week from getting down with this.  I hope you are excited.

I KNOW I AM NOT.

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Headlines were made this week when legendary rapper and producer Dr. Dre teamed up with music industry mogul Jimmy Iovine to donate a staggering 70 million dollars to USC to form a new Academy for Arts, Technology and the Business of Innovation.  The course curriculum seems to read like a Jay Z track where you learn to hustle creatively.  People around USC are pretty fired up.  With a sub-25 person class size, it’s resembling some of the truly exclusive programs on campus, like the Stark producing program and the USC film writing program (cough, cough).

Not wanting to fall behind, but dealing with incredible budgetary limitations from the state of California, UCLA has quickly pieced together a competitive program to “buzz ride” on USC’s success and created an academy of their own.

The UCLA Academy for Fairness in Academies hopes to be a light to moths, and by moths, I mean rich, awesome people who want to give you their money just so you can use it to teach other people how to be awesome also and later give more money for more academies.  Based on USC’s model of “winning all the time even when they lose”, UCLA hopes to Ponzi some investors to start some new academies that will bring a spark to the school not felt since the last time the kitchen at Diddy Riese caught on fire.

To specifically combat Dr. Dre’s program, UCLA has quickly formed the UCLA Academy for Pop Culture Recycling, which is a program focused on prolonging someone’s fifteen minutes of fame.  Non-existant Dean of the UCLAAPCR Frank Richard described the value of the program: “We beat USC in football once a decade, like last year for example.  The key is to promote these minor victories and turn them into movements.  In the football scenario, we printed shirts with fireworks immediately to commemorate the win, created alternate uniforms.  We have a bunch of soon-to-be-ironic ads running in the LA Times about how the football monopoly is over in Los Angeles, but this time FOR REAL.  We’re going to start a school that teaches that skill of promoting just about anything and trying to make it last.”

When asked about whether or not it was wise to teach students to harp on minor successes instead of just going out and doing something more grand, Richard said, “We’re surrounded by ice cream restaurants and fast-serve pan-Asian bistros. We don’t have the swag factor USC does.  We have to be scrappy.  Plus, we have no idea if we’ll have an English program next year.  California is having budget issues.  Frankly, I think USC’s fundraising success this last decade has been insensitive to California and we’re launching the UCLA Academy of Investigating Success to look into it.”

Richard was eager to talk more about the Academy for Pop Culture Recycling citing the incredible talent roster brought in to design the curriculum.  ”We’ve gone all out and stretched our network thin to bring the UCLAAPCR some of the finest recycled talent in the world,” Richard explained.  ”Our minds immediately went to Psy.  I said to Bill [Jones, co-chair of the project] that if we want to compete with a Dr. Dre led academy, we need a heavy hitter that everyone knows.  Our minds went to Psy immediately.  In our minds, all roads lead to Psy.  I love that commercial where he dances with pistachios.  I mean, to go from saying you hate America to starring in an ad where you dance with pistachios?  That’s capitalism.  That’s hustling.  Dr. Dre could learn from him.  We all could use some Condom Style.”

When informed Psy’s hit song was called Gangnam Style, not Condom Style, Richard retorted, “Maybe that’s true, but safe sex is an important topic and with Bill Gates trying to create a super condom, condom style is wildly relevant right now, at least for fifteen minutes, and that’s what the Academy of Pop Culture Recycling is going for.  We’re going to own that space.  Dre can have his Beats headphones.  They’ll never catch on.”

[Richard's teenage son was sitting nearby listening to Spotify with Beats headphones on.  He was looking up the new program at USC]

When asked about his involvement in the UCLAAPCR, Psy rubbed his fingers together gesturing for money and then did the Gangnam Style dance for 27 minutes while crying.  Not to speculate, but he appeared a broken man.

Psy is not the only celebrity endorsing the program.  Fresh off a 43 second cameo on NBC’s The Office, UCLA snagged former reality star Clay Aiken who was just honored to be called.  Aiken said, “I want to teach students about the dangers of thinking fifteen minutes can turn into an hour.  At this point, I settled for 43 seconds on The Office and I had to pay them 1,500 dollars to do it.  I ate a Crispy Chicken Sandwich from Jack in the Box that night that I had left unrefrigerated overnight.  I cry a lot at night.”

Richard was evasive about future endorsements and collaborations, but he was quick to say the program would take the first 300 students willing to pay double tuition to help fund the program.  Currently, the program, not yet in existence, is earmarked for cuts required by California budgetary restrictions.  In the meantime, Richard has struck a deal with the Women’s Field Hockey team to split non-conference home game ticket revenue to course materials.  Psy is donating his lifetime supply of pistachios as a good will gesture.  Psy could not be reached for comment, but can be reached for unprompted non-sequiter dancing at little cost.

The pressure for Lane Kiffin to produce has never been higher.  Andy Enfield, the upstart FGCU coach who made a big splash in this year’s tourney thanks to his uptempo style of play and a surprise Sweet Sixteen visit, is now the head coach of USC basketball.

I have never spoken much about our basketball team because there has not been an emotional in for me since the Sam Clancy era and that was more a fascination.  In 2001, our basketball team was kind of better than our football team.

The thing is, Andy Enfield is the kind of man who could make me care more.  He is a bacon wrapped enigma.  He is the first coach since Kiffin that has made me feel Arrogant Nation is still so, so, so on track.  I may even cover basketball.

Let’s get into this.  Andy Enfield has that certain “fuck you I did it” quality that can’t be denied.  Beyond his achievements, which are incredible, he has this “awe shucks” Ponzi he runs.  He doesn’t seem like he is aware or cares that all he does is win pretty much.  This guy is Forrest Gump for the millenials.

He’s coached in the NBA and ACC (kinda? sorta?) and eventually goes to FGCU which I am older than and basically just runs with the fact their jersey’s read like a text between two teenage girls living in Shibuya, Tokyo eating glow sticks (OMG FGCU 2NITE!) and decides our style of hoops is just to freak out and dunk all the time even if you need a three pointer.  Down by ten?  FUCKING DUNK.

Arrogant.  But it gets more amazing.

Enfield was a co-founder (kinda? sorta?) of a tech company (kinda? sorta?) and got rich that way.  When asked about how wealthy he was, he said he still needs to work.  That’s how Forrest Gump acted when he mowed the high school field after he founded Bubba Gump and bought Apple Stock.

Sometime in there, the woman pictured below was on the cover of the Maxim Swimsuit issue in the spring of my Freshman year.  This was on the floor of every dorm bathroom at USC.  This is where it becomes destiny.

Enfield somehow meets Amanda Marcum, yeah her, and they get married.  His first date with her?  Come to see a basketball game and I am taking you to Taco Bell.  Yeah.  You are a fucking model, I am taking you to a sporting event and you get to eat all 1.79 of this burrito I am buying you.  Did it work?

Fuck yeah it did.  Three times over.  She locked HIM down.

She:

Locked HIM:

Down.

She locked him down.  Is she that awful marry  you for your money don’t care about your career models?

Doesn’t seem like it.  This lady will be courtside rocking USC gear and making you wonder why isn’t Layla doing this more?  What on earth is Enfield’s secret sauce beyond fucking commanding his players to dunk everything from basketballs to their donuts.  Sometimes at practice, he just makes them all take baths so he can dunk his whole team.

I think maybe it’s his eye of the tiger thing he has going on.  Sometimes you look at Enfield and you think that he sees the world like it’s the Matrix and he is just figuring out how to bend the spoon into a basketball so he can command someone to dunk it.

Kiffin had better win because this basically raises the bar.  He’s not the only arrogant guy with a hot wife on campus and Andy has lowered expectations.  If we can just start dunking all the time and making UCLA look like assholes (more than they already do with their hire who has less tournament wins than Enfield won THIS YEAR with OMGWTFBBQuiniversity), he will be very popular.  And because his wife was in Maxim SSI when I was a freshman and she seems stoked on creating an army of children dunk monsters.

Andy, the Bearfighter has your back.  And yes, I will dunk anything you need me to.

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