Under what looks like the snake-charming powers of international drug mule Chris Harrison, Desiree (Kabuki) is giving preview interviews to fire people up about her incredible journey to fail at finding love. She gave THIS INTERVIEW to E! Online and I was having a hard time getting through it. I think that’s because Bachelor/ette contestants somehow think they need to act like politicians and give non-answers.
I am in this business of covering this show now for different reasons. Initially, it was to entertain my wife and hopefully get tens of thousands of women (and dudes) to worship the running dialogue people who watch television with me in person have enjoyed (hated?) for years. CHECK.
The second goal now must become to finally have a super contestant. A contestant that has read the blog and is committed to subtly making the kinds of moves that create a game-changer for the show. I’m talking helicopters that take you to another helicopter that takes you to a helicopter museum. I’m talking about the bachelor getting so drunk that they can’t do a rose ceremony. I’m talking making two contestants compete for a rose by calling their parents and telling them they’ve been arrested for prostitution, first one to blink can blink the next time in coach flying their ass back home.
So. Here’s how I’d answer some of the questions from this E! interview if I was Desiree:
You seemed heartbroken when Sean eliminated you. Why put yourself through this very public experience again?
Everyone seems heartbroken at 5am without food or water, just chardonnay. It’s like letting a rancid grape eat your belly from the inside. I put myself through this again because before I actually meet a real civilian to marry, I want to make out with as many morons as I can AND FAST. If college was experimentation this is my Master’s in bad decisions and I am doing it on the fast track. Plus, it’s almost summer and they said they’d pay for spray tans and
any pregnancies that may occur.
Any regrets now that you’ve finished filming?
I regret letting them serve me all those fake meals on my 1 on 1 dates. We’re usually filming in a third world country so Chris Harrison can traffic narcotics, so some of these meals that we are too drunk to eat or they’ve been sitting out too long to eat, or whatever, I don’t know science… These meals could help people and in the end, they are only helping create the illusion that contestants eat during this show. When was the last time you wanted to make out in a hot tub after eating a plate of rice, beans and plantains? Are you fucking kidding me? I’ve gone to the bathroom and not looked in the mirror when I WENT TO THE BATHROOM after a meal like that at Versailles in LA after a casting party I was so full. I hadn’t eaten since a week before Sean booted me. I’m not wasting it on this food. Food that could have helped local children eat. I am a big time believer in philanthropizing.
Did someone put a ring on it?
I assumed we’re not talking about a sex toy, right? Instead of giving you a no comment like this is a legal case and not brain cancer for television watchers, I’ll say this. This journey is about one thing, having a ring for a couple weeks before you break up and possibly, one day, being on Dancing With The Stars and having people ask “what is that chick from?” A girl can dream.
Think back to the mansion on night one. What were you thinking?
Don’t fart when the mics are on. Don’t get high on your own supply. Chris Harrison taught me that.
A lot of folks blamed your brother’s treatment of Sean during your hometown date for your dismissal. Did you let him near your new batch of boys?
The actor known as my brother is contractually obligated to try and intimidate my suitors. It’s fun because in the day he’s the most amazing CrossFit instructor and the couple times we hooked up, he was TOTES different than he was on the show.
What were you looking for in your last man standing?
Someone who couldn’t end up the next bachelor because contractually, anyone like that I have to dump so America likes them. Like what happened to me. It’s like that song by those animals in the Lion King. Circle of Life. I was always impressed animals could write a song like that.
What was your strategy to narrow down the initial 25?
Dump people when Harrison tells me to and preferably after we make out. Also, keep the meathead, violent creep around just so no one sleeps comfortably.
If you did find love, would you want a televised wedding?
Would you move for love?
Is that another song from Lion King?
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