Some Words on Lon Rosen and Our Dodgers Non Mascot

I rarely write about the Dodgers. They are are one of the four chambers of my sporting heart. Other than making my voice heard about the racist treatment Yasiel Puig got last year from the media, I pretty much chilled out since GBM bought the team. They put money into the roster and the stadium. They stopped pissing on our proud legacy and you were starting to forget the smell of the McCourt era.

So other than being a prick on Twitter about their lazy marketing last year (A Whole New Blue, derp), I pretty much left it alone because no McCourt and a good on field product was enough.

But now the gloves come off and I need to burn it to the ground to save it. As I did with those that thought USC sanctions meant something, as I did with the NCAA and those who had no courage to speak up, I’m going to say it loud and clear.

I’m tired of the Dodgers’ marketing department playing us for fools. It’s unbefitting of the organization that integrated the game, employs Vin Scully and brought us an image like this at the time it was taken:

1963-koufax-rosboro-nw320

 

The Dodgers have added a mascot. We were one of three teams including the Yankees and Angels that did not have one. It made me proud the way USC used to sell beer at the Coliseum even though the rest of the sport quit. The Angels have a rally monkey and it’s clown shoes. I felt like the Yankees and Dodgers refuse to bow to this. I felt like if we keep putting a good product on the field, we keep celebrating Tommy and Gil and Jackie and Sandy and we listen to everything Vin says, we’re above it. We’re better than a mascot. We don’t have one.

But now, we do.

We have one, it’s terrifying, there’s more coming and Lon Rosen, the marketing whiz behind it is trying to get you to eat a shitpie by saying that it isn’t a mascot.

He said this that I’m lifting from Steve Dilbeck’s piece at the LA Times:

“It’s not a mascot,” said Dodgers executive vice president of marketing Lon Rosen. “It’s a unique performance character.”

A unique performance character? That’s what you are calling this thing?

Screen Shot 2014-04-08 at 2.36.31 PM

 

Tell me, Lon… What unique performance does this horrifying, androgynous creep show partake in? He’s got the wobbly underarms of a 95 year old overweight grandma, but none of the lovability, hugs and family recipes. His pupils are dilated from doing Molly in copious amounts on EDM night at Los Globos just down Elysian in Echo Park. He seems to be naked under his jersey, but has 3/4 sleeves.

But more than anything, he has a giant hair covered phallus coming out of his forehead. He has such a raging chocolate-dipped Balboa Island frozen banana rolled around on the floor of a busy salon that he literally must wear his baseball cap sideways.

Or maybe he was cleaning toilets with his face. You choose! Share your guesses in the comments field.

He’s terrifying a man and his daughter who probably didn’t ask this pedo-unicorn to join in. But the KIDS LOVE IT says Lon:

“The kids are wild about it,” he said. “They were all taking selfies with it.”

Oh, Lon. Kids going wild. Busting #selfies. Sometimes we take selfies with things because we’re making fun of them. Did you go through and read the responses when they instagram’d these selfies? Here’s betting Erisbel Arruebarrena’s minor league salary that at least one annotated it “posting this so you know who murdered me if I don’t come home from the game.”

Also, not to argue with the over 50 internet crowd, but I’m not calling it a selfie unless it’s just of oneself. If there’s multiple people in it, can it just be a picture? Unless Lon is implying this unique performance character is a ghost and therefore doesn’t have a soul and doesn’t count towards headcount in a selfie. In which case this is even more ridiculous and creepy. Or maybe not.

This is the same marketing and PR department that just said, somewhat by mistake in Australia, that they release news on their own website, not to the press so they can control the story.

This is the same group that bought an ad campaign with the tagline “Live. Breathe. Blue.” which makes so little sense it actually set back the LAUSD further than it already is. I mean, it’s just two random verbs followed by a Dodger-ish adjective.

I mean, I think they are telling us to live and breathe Blue. You need to breathe to live, so that’s already dumb. But throwing in periods?

In the comments field below, feel free to write your own advertising taglines! Verb. Verb. Adjective…

Run. Hide. Mascot.
Stalk. Terrorize. Mascot.
or…
Dance. Dance. Revolution.

Lon Rosen was quoted on the Dodgers’ website saying this about that tagline:

“Our new tagline encapsulates how each of our fans feel about the Dodgers organization. We feel it is a natural evolution of last year’s slogan ‘A Whole New Blue.”

Well, not each of us, Lon. I feel like the Dodgers organization needs the kind of visionary marketing that knows not to fuck with the things that make the Dodgers unique. Here’s a great marketing lesson. If you have unique attributes, differentiators with your competitors, it’s a great starting place to EMBRACE THOSE THINGS not REMOVE THEM.

The Dodgers are above mascots, uniform overhauls, gaudy stadiums water elements in center field, hideous alternate road jerseys (minus that one time we did the blue thing). We have Vin Scully. We have Tommy Lasorda. We have Sandy Koufax.

But now we have a mascot. Sorry. A unique performance character that kids love taking selfies with.

You can’t just change the words and pretend it changes what you are doing. You are destroying a differentiator between us and everyone but the Yankees, who are the most famous sporting brand in the history of people competing in uniforms.

Some of you will say I am blowing this out of proportion, it’s just a mascot (sorry, unique performance character). Only it’s not. This is a slippery slope. Lon’s adding more of these. He’s going to have them everywhere. And then who knows. They get rid of the Three Sisters to make room for something stupid. They remove Nancy Bea on the organ.

You remove enough differentiators and you lose your brand. I know a thing or two about this.

And If the LA Times and Sports Illustrated are beating me to the punch, then it is 100% a big deal. Stop killing who we are. One bad decision leads to another. We’ve all been to Vegas.

Anyway, maybe I can’t kill it. I need help. I need you all to bitch and moan on the internet and at the stadium so this goes away. It needs to go away, it’s never to late to admit you are wrong. Or  you hate good marketing. Or you aren’t sure what marketing is.

But let me teach Lon a little lesson in the internet. Since you are using “marketing speak” to avoid giving this Dodger mascot a name, it means there’s not a ton of SEO going on for it. It means that this idea is half-baked, half-pregnant and half-witted.

So, to help give Unique Performance Character (or Dodger Mascot) some SEO love, I’ve decided to embed him in a bunch of pictures with other people and events that people love as much as the idea of a Dodger’s Mascot and maybe when people image search for him (or her?), they will find my helpful guide to knowing how actual Dodger fans feel.

So, enjoy this gallery and tell your friends. We stop nothing short of a formal apology from Lon and the removal of Unique Performance Character.

Unique Performance Character (Dodger Mascot) celebrating a Giants World Series win.

Unique Performance Character (Dodger Mascot) celebrating a Giants World Series win.

Unique Performance Character (Dodger Mascot) and Bernie Madoff.

Unique Performance Character (Dodger Mascot) and Bernie Madoff.

Unique Performance Character (Dodger Mascot) and bearded antisemetic Mel Gibson.

Unique Performance Character (Dodger Mascot) and bearded antisemetic Mel Gibson.

Unique Performance Character (Dodger Mascot) and Alex Rodriguez (A-Rod) kissing himself in the mirror.

Unique Performance Character (Dodger Mascot) and Alex Rodriguez (A-Rod) kissing himself in the mirror.

Unique Performance Character (Dodger Mascot) and The Yellow King from True Detective.

Unique Performance Character (Dodger Mascot) and The Yellow King from True Detective.

Unique Performance Character (Dodger Mascot) and Ben Affleck as Batman.

Unique Performance Character (Dodger Mascot) and Ben Affleck as Batman.

 

Unique Performance Character (Dodger Mascot) and Jar Jar Binks.

Unique Performance Character (Dodger Mascot) and Jar Jar Binks.

Unique Performance Character (Dodger Mascot) and Justin Bieber.

Unique Performance Character (Dodger Mascot) and Justin Bieber.

Unique Performance Character (Dodger Mascot) soliciting prostitutes in Amsterdam's Red Light District.

Unique Performance Character (Dodger Mascot) soliciting prostitutes in Amsterdam’s Red Light District.

Unique Performance Character (Dodger Mascot) and Kimye.

Unique Performance Character (Dodger Mascot) and Kimye.

 

Unique Performance Character (Dodger Mascot) and King Joffrey, Game of Thrones.

Unique Performance Character (Dodger Mascot) and King Joffrey, Game of Thrones.

So if it isn’t clear yet…

STOP MESSING WITH LOS ANGELES.

Stay golden.

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It’s The End of The Juan As We Know It… And I Feel Fine.

I think this was the critical juncture. The strings of the marionette were exposed. I am not sure how to proceed. The Death-Eaters producing this show almost came out looking rosy. The Bachelor killed Chris Harrison’s high. The parade of former contestants got no screen time because this operation went FUBAR. This was Vietnam. It was hell.

But let’s be linear, even if time is a flat circle. If Harrison is the Yellow King, then Wapalo is just a creep making snuff films in the bayou.

AIJAIAIAIAIIAAIAI. St. Lucia. Ess perfect, man. I can’t listen to Wapalo describe anything anymore. In the morning, he gets his chilaquiles (I know, he’s Venezuelan, Twin Peak Fire Walk With Me already) and just goes “oooOOOOoohhh, I liiiikeeetttt” and makes a stupid face at you. That’s life. That’s what Crickets and JDLC are competing for. The loser goes home to heal, the winner goes home to bleed with a sociopath.

Crickets rolls up doing super aggressive even for her eyebrow and lip spasms as she talks about how “hot” it is that Wapalo is a Dad. Because nothing is hotter than a dude who was such a dick his wife left him and now he uses his child to keep women around after he has sex with them and shames them for doing so. So hot. Frankly, even as a straight guy, I’m so turned on it’s hard to see the screen.

His family comes out and frankly, they all seem pretty nice, even Rodolfo, who has to live with a homophobic cousin. Another cool thing is that their particular accents sound like Nacho Libre’s tag team partner Esqueleto. Close your eyes and listen. You can hear them saying “I don’t believe in God, I believe in science.” Need to watch that movie again.

Nacho-and-Esqueleto-1600-1200

 

What’s so weird though is that the family all unanimously say Wapalo is a dick who “runs” from relationships and is “hard” to deal with. Basically, they are here to smile and tell these girls to get gas at the next truck stop because this is going to be a bad scene from a horror movie.

Somehow Crickets is relieved about this, but mostly because she flipped the “I hear what I want” switch weeks ago. Folks, you know that switch. You’ve all done it. This is why you shouldn’t. Even worse, Wapalo’s dad says he’ll be her dad, which triggered all the daddy issues she has going on. Defcon 1, meltdown status imminent.

Nikki rolls in, this time with a conservative 70% of her boobs covered. She gets the same speeches from the family. Again, I hear what I want. I am surely the one to stop this sociopath from being so… Sociopathy. Wapalo likes kids because you can hug kids, smile at them, ask them random questions and they love you. He applies the same model to women, plus sex and besitos, and in the end, this is what is disturbing. He is great with children and bad with women because he thinks they are just older children you can have sex with.

Then a weird part. Wapalo seemingly says he loves Nikki. Given that it was whispered in aijaijai broken english and what happened on ATFR, it seems impossible. But we rewinded it twice. He said it. #headfuck

Back in LA, Harrison calls himself out on his use of “the most controversial season of the Bachelor ever” and I just kinda loved the guy for it. Sure, I call him an international drug trafficker, but I do that because I want to go on that journey with him. I’ll smuggle with him. It’ll be the best buddy movie since I Love You, Man and frankly the both of us can wear a suit like the desert misses the rain. You’d enjoy it more than this show or this blog.

Finally, a fucking helicopter. The more I think of it, the more I think they just held out on him. And I get why. The minute this rapey slut shamer gets a girl in a helicopter her tells her that he barely knows her but he “loves fucking her” which would be conjecture if Clare didn’t literally say it out loud when things go wrote.

Note to the show. Talk about sex. I get not doing it when things go great and being subtle. But when people are in the ocean boning and people are talking dirty in an helicopter, we need to get it. Having sex in the ocean and then blaming a girl for it and then later telling her he doesn’t know her but loves fucking her (his words, not mine) is a lot different than “swimming in the ocean and then saying some offbeat remarks.” That’s like saying the Nazis were touring Paris. #historicalreference #comaparedthisshowtoWWII

They skip the rest of this date, robbing us of the vacation we won’t get to go on this year and instead, Crickets opts to confront Wapalo, which is Sacramento for “talk shit until he says anything back and then blindly forgive him and explain impossibly how his non-statement removed all doubts.”

When she starts addressing the slut shaming, the going back on “no kissing” he just tells her “don’t blame me.” Marriage to this guy seems fucking awful. He just factually says “I’m listening” then says “I’m just being honest” and then tears your guts out. It’s like the Ricky Bobby move where he says “with all due respect” and then talks mad shit thinking if you say “with all due respect,” fucking fire away bro. This guy is so much worse than even how we’re explaining him. Most girls on Women Tell All hated because he didn’t pick them. He’s so much worse than that.

He just plays their song, lip syncs and she magically forgives him and then besitos fest 2009.

Every time I think Clare is going to be the hero, she just tumbles back down the stairs drunk.

Nikki rolls to her date in at least 1/3 of a bikini (gracias, besitos) and tries to get any assurance from El Sociópathíco about what he’s feeling, but he at this point just doesn’t care at all. He has abandoned the mission. I felt like maybe all the crying when girls would leave, the crying that made him seem so enduring, was really just the shedding of tears of people leaving his cult.

clare-crawley-bachelor-finale

Nikki asks what’ll happen when they don’t have private beaches to go to. His response was he’ll watch TV at home. She says not all the time. He says that sometimes he’ll watch baseball at his office. Sometimes he’ll beat you. And sometimes when you write him a heartfelt note, he’ll just make out with you instead because besitos make the world go round.

I knew the final proposal event was going to be bad because they played no music and beyond a quick ring shop, Neil Lane didn’t trot his freaky botox face out. Wapalo was like, fuck you, I’ll hold a ring but I either give it back or pawn it. Fuck you Neil Lane. Neil Lane was at the damn grown sexy douche wedding. If he doesn’t make a cameo, it’s because shit was gonna hit that fence.

Clare gets off the meat wagon and Wapalo let’s her flagellate before killing her. A little gumption from her and she refuses his affection, which was smart because he says he was “glad he didn’t pick her,” confirming he is that guy many of you have dated who just hits it and doesn’t have the courtesy of quitting it. He just doesn’t study for the tests, pay attention in class, or do anything to act like he cares until you settle for being a small, meaningless piece of his small, meaningless life or you get out on your own and he can blame you for it. Which helps with the next girl. He has a daughter, you know. He can’t be picky enough. It’s for Camila.

Girl readers. Sorry to out guys. But keeping it real, this is a real thing. It’s a real thing to have your insecurities fed off of and your natural competitive nature taken advantage of. Wapalo is a pretty normal variety of super turd. There’s one in every public bathroom. He’s not the devil. He’s just proof that women aren’t any different than men when you don’t listen to what a boy says because he’s hot. Sound familiar?

douche

douche

Clare just drops the line and we heard it. Wapalo is the dude who disses you and tells you he likes having sex with you. She snaps and peaces out and I liked her for a minute. The live audience cheered. It was like when Will Smith punches the fucking alien in Independence Day. People went crazy.

Nikki comes out and gives Wapalo her heart and he says no ring, no nothing. Which would be fine if not for what happened on ATFR.

Opera Singer, while right, was just so “fuck off” because he seemingly wanted her which gave her this holier than thou right to talk about him like she was smart enough to turn him down. Only she made out with him on national television. She gets credit for not being the kind of person who doesn’t see through a reality television show, but I mean, let’s be real. In the end, Wapalo wasn’t marrying her either. He just wanted to see if he could seduce a smart girl and then do the same shit to her. Her folly is thinking she’s special. He’s a sociopath. He’s the only star of his play. Even Andi, our new Bachelorette with the tiny razor teeth still wanted Wapalo to tell her she was special. It started with venom, but then it was more like “so why didn’t you want to know about my life?”

clare-bachelor-finale-w352

Because you aren’t special and he doesn’t fucking care. This show unintentionally got into the world of REAL dating and I don’t know if I like it. Fucking Chris looked like he was going to cry sitting next to Des. Sean Lowe, who is the biggest celebrity whore on earth, wanted to beat down Wapalo.

But it’s for not adhering to this show’s fucked up hilarious fantasy vision of Hunger Games courting. And that’s okay, but now we have to look behind the curtain.

It’s a world where your insecurities are used against you as weapons and asking for truth in the world leads to heartbreak. This trains people to pull the wool over their own eyes as if being alone was so terrible.

JUAN PABLO GALAVIS

I am very happily married. My wife is my best friend. We’re equally comfortable eating fast food on a road trip as crossing off every Eater 38 restaurant in the country. We’re gross together, we dress up together. We argue, we’re allowed to say whatever we want. We’re not perfect. But we’re allowed to be ourselves. We make business decisions. We’re a little company that sells love (and reasonably priced knock off Pendleton blankets).

This show is famous for creating a system that is less effective than randomly finding a spouse (which is incredible considering the divorce rate). But this season, we saw what happens when the real world finds its way into the fantasy suite.

What we got this time wasn’t a closeted airline pilot or a “born-again-virgin” or any of the other weirdos that join this normally funny traveling cheap chardonnay road show. This year we got a standard issue, dime a dozen douchebag.

sweet infinity scarf

sweet infinity scarf

His accent fooled us. His looks made women do anything to ignore the signs. His daughter made it seem like he cared. His crying at sending girls home made it seems like he had feelings.

But this kind of douche is in every bar in the country and he’s spending more time on his abs than becoming the kind of person a girl might want to be with. And thank god for him because it’s the Wapalos of the world that allow dudes like me to get wives like I have. I’m not perfect, but this guy is the one-word nightclub of humans.

He said on the show that people hide behind computers and throw stones. We’re not hiding, pal. Happy to invite you to Portland and chat about it. And this picture:

rs_634x1024-130806112054-634.JuanPablo4.mh.080613

 

And this one, you starfucker:

rs_600x600-140106091808-600.Juan-Pablo-Galavis-Cameron-Diaz-Instagram-jmd-010614_copy

 

I’m the first to criticize this show, but Grown Sexy had it right. Don’t bite the hand that feeds you. You went on this show TWO TIMES. You want the attention. You want control over Nikki and you told Harrison you had some surprise, but then reneged on the show. And you pissed off Chris Harrison and that sucks. Just like this picture:

juan-pablo-682x1024

 

You are a dime a dozen and shame on you and shame on America for expecting anything different. The whole thing is so bad. Bad enough even Chris Harrison said he was glad to be moving on.

That makes two of us.

Next year, let me write the story arch. Let me pick the Bachelor. I’ll fix it. If the Bachelorette doesn’t make us all jump off a cliff. I’ve never gotten so many “FUCK THIS SHOW” emails, tweets, etc from fans.

The helicopter is in your court, Bachelor.

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Chad Kultgen Guest Blog on Women Tell All

Today is a bonus for all of you. One of my favorite writers is guest blogging here. Chad Kultgen is the author of some classic work that everyone should read and be slightly terrified in the best possible way. When I read The Average American Male, the people on the plane thought I was nuts, I was laughing and feeling ashamed at the same time hungover on a flight from Vegas.

41KF-p5azdL

 

While I knew he lives near where I used to in Beverly Hills and that he went to USC film school like I did, I recently discovered he watched this train wreck show. So I solicited him to write a post for Women Tell All.

Read below and follow him on TWITTER. Chad owns. Zack out.

_________________________________________________________

Women Tell All – Chad Kultgen

The Women Tell All Episode is without a doubt the most useless episode of any season. It promises an opportunity for the women to have some long held questions answered by the bachelor himself and for us, the viewers, to get some answers from the women about certain moments in the show that left us curious or confused or angry or empty. And much like Juan Pablo himself the episode was not honest in this promise.

Chris Harrison opens the show by telling us that this Women Tell All Episode will feature, “The most memorable women from the most controversial season in bachelor history,” a hyperbole that is mimicked, if not outright stated verbatim, in virtually every season of the bachelor to open this episode. What follows, regrettably, is a tame recounting of the most mundane events of the season up to this point with only minimal attention paid to the culturally significant events from the show and from Juan Pablo’s statements outside the show.

But before the audience can even get to the disappointment of avoiding any meaningful discourse from the main cast of this season, we’re made to sit through Sean, the born again virgin bachelor from the prior season of the show, being emasculated by his new bride who claims that he ejaculated far too quickly on his wedding night. Then Chris Harrison does his best to emasculate himself and, by proxy, the entire male gender by saying “Welcome to the club buddy,” only to have Sean top it all off by telling a story about a sting ray attacking his genitals. I’m unsure if this was a move by the producers to make men seem less threatening after the season they’ve had with Juan Pablo or if Chris and Sean are truly that bad at being men. Either way, within the first two minutes of the show my seething rage is already full to capacity.

At this point it would be reasonable to think that we might get to the actual show. It would be within the realm of probability that on the Women Tell All Episode, one of the women might now tell at least one thing of the “All” that I’ve been led to believe they will eventually tell. Instead, we’re treated to the Muppets demeaning both the show and themselves by appearing with Juan Pablo, a publicly identified homophobe, as their new movie is promoted in an awkward scene that ends with Kermit and his evil twin performing what appears to be cunnilingus on Ms. Piggy simultaneously. And this, it turns out, will be the closest to any discourse about sex we’ll have all night aside from Sean’s open admission that he’s terrible at sex.

Finally, after returning from a commercial break in which every commercial is forced to play out within a Bachelor rose frame graphic lest we forget what we’ve tuned in to see, we see that every contestant is there. They are each seated and smiling, happy to be back in the spotlight for a brief encore in which they’re given just enough screen time to be further distilled into a the shallow stereotypes of themselves that we came to know on the show.

One of the chief complaints of several of the girls throughout this episode was that Juan Pablo didn’t get to know them, that he didn’t ask enough questions about them, that he didn’t get beyond the surface. But they fail to realize that this is the very nature of the show. It promises a chance to find deep and meaningful love, yet it only gives the contestants a series of weeks in which to do it. It claims support of the idea that the Bachelor is there to get to know these women and yet the show itself reduces the girls to titles like “Free Spirit” and “Dog Lover.”

And then the first question asked of the panel of failed daters is “What did you like about JP?” Their unanimous answer : “He’s super handsome.” In this moment we’re shown that they’re obviously just as shallow as he is, just as shallow as the show itself is. Not one, after being asked this question, mentioned anything about his personality. They each claimed that they enjoyed kissing him or seeing him play soccer or do some other physical activity. They fail to see that the very thing they most despise in Juan Pablo guides their own attraction to him. And again, this exact same lack of depth and substance is what drives the show itself.

If the point weren’t crystal clear, Chris Harrison asks the contestants, “You were attracted to him. Why wasn’t that enough?” And because the show has already established for us that Andi is something of a voice of reason, an unprecedented truth-teller where contestants are concerned she is allowed to say, “Looks can fade, ” which gets a few shots of knowing nods from older ladies in the audience. This is an obvious fact that most human beings are well aware of. But in this case, in the context of the show, any small piece of truth is dangled in front of the audience as though it were a precious gem so rare and beautiful that we should marvel at it.

Renee then reveals that she and Juan Pablo only ever really talked about their children. I’ve long held that each season of this show harbors at least one sociopath. Statistically one in twenty-five people is a sociopath or at least exhibits sociopathic tendencies. I theorize that this season’s sociopath is actually Juan Pablo and Renee’s revelation corroborates my theory. He’s incapable of talking about anything of substance where his own character is concerned because he has no substance. He’s only a manufactured version of what he thinks the public would consider a good parent. So in this case, he talks with another parent exclusively about his own child reasoning that this is what a good parent would do when, in fact, a good parent would more likely be spending time with their child instead of having sexual encounters with multiple women on national television.

Next the contestants have a brief conversation about Claire’s ocean rendezvous with Juan Pablo. Phrases like, “She goes swimming,” and “they go swimming in the ocean,” are used but no one ever says that they had sex. This is simply one more way the show forces not only the contestants, but the audience itself into a false frame of mind in which honesty can’t surface. Even in the context of this specific episode in which all questions are to be answered, the scenario cannot even be properly discussed. The show aims to uphold antiquated views on sex, relationships, gender roles and marriage even in the face of facts that everyone knows to be obvious.

What’s worse, though, is that although a few of the contestants claim that what Juan Palo did to Claire by shaming her the following morning was terrible and using his daughter as the method by which he shamed her was just as terrible, none of them speak about Claire’s reaction to it. Claire took the initiative to ask Juan Pablo to have sex with her. He willingly participated. Clearly his shaming of her the following morning was deplorable. What’s more deplorable to me is that the show and Claire’s fellow contestants seem to see nothing wrong with how she handled the situation. Claire never stood up for herself. She never told Juan Pablo that he was arrogant or wrong. She never even said that he was just as much to blame as she was if there was any blame at all.  Maybe she reacted as she did to stay in the competition for one more round. Maybe she actually was shamed enough by Juan Pablo to accept the blame. In either case, it remains disgusting on a basic level to me that not one girl said anything about the fact that Claire didn’t stand up for herself.

As Sharleen takes her spot on the hot seat Chris Harrison declares, “You’re the most intriguing person we’ve had. Your relationship with our bachelor, I’ve never seen anything like it.” To which Sharleen replies, “I was honest the entire time.” This what Chris Harrison has never seen – honesty from a contestant from the beginning. And I have to agree with him. In every prior season it seems that all of the contestants will do anything to prove that as soon as they meet the bachelor or bachelorette they can’t think of spending their life with anyone else despite knowing them for less than a day. Sharleen truly was the first contestant to view the situation logically and react honestly.

Chris goes on to quote Sharleen on the show as she said things like, “No cerebral connection,” and, “I wish I was dumber.” Then he asks, “What do those things mean?” We know what these things mean, Chris. They mean that Juan Pablo is very, very stupid. But similar to the way in which Claire is made to accept the blame placed on her by Juan Pablo, we see Sharleen accept the blame implied in Chris’s question, “What do these things mean?” Sharleen says, “I think too much. I can’t shut it off,” instead of using her self-professed  honesty and saying that Juan Pablo is too stupid to have a meaningful conversation. There is some inherent tone on the show that I think all contestants feel, certainly more with women contestants on the Bachelor than with men on the Bachelorette. They feel as though they have to prove their value or their worth and any misstep is their fault. It’s made clear in Sharleen’s answer. The fault clearly lies in Juan Pablo’s stupidity but she accepts the blame by telling us that she thinks too much, which is obviously absurd.

Renee’s  hot seat was as boring a hot seat as maybe I’ve ever seen. When asked, “What was that connection?” she essentially claims that it was them both having kids, which means that she could have the same connection with any single dad. When pressed on the issue she says, “I don’t know. I don’t know,” which is followed up by Chris Harrison saying, “It’s hard to define.” This exact exchange can almost fully describe my reaction to people when they ask me why I watch the show.

Despite everyone defending the process and claiming that it is not a competition, that it is not a game, Renee goes on to explain that she was “behind,” that her relationship with Juan Pablo was slow paced, that she was the last one to kiss him. This, of course, gives more credence to the idea that it is a game, that it is a very regimented series of events that must occur in a specific sequence and at certain specific times if a contestant is to have any chance to win in the end.  A contestant must kiss by a certain date or show. A contestant must say “I love you” by a certain date or show, etc. Renee knew she wasn’t playing the game at the same speed as the other girls and because of this I think she didn’t get as emotionally invested which is what allowed her to walk away from the experience having learned something other than how to cry on camera.

Andi’s hot seat was terrible. She gave no new information about the most controversial night in bachelor history, as Chris Harrison would have us believe. She failed to enlighten us at all about any new details related to her decision to leave. She only really mentioned Juan Pablo’s negativity and that he wasn’t grateful for his opportunity. Once again, there’s no actual talk of sex but it is implied a few times when Andi describes Juan Pablo telling her about his prior overnight date with Claire. I don’t know why I get outraged by this after having seen as many seasons as I have, but there’s something so basically absurd about prohibiting the discussion of sex where relationships are concerned that I’m still offended every time it happens on this show.

And then Chris Harrison proceeds to make one of the strangest comments that he might have ever made by saying, “Everyone’s had that date where you pretend to be asleep.” It’s obviously strange but it’s interesting in a few ways. The first is that one of Andi’s main complaints is that Juan Pablo was his dishonesty with her and yet she chose to fake sleep rather than talk to him on her last night there, an act that’s clearly dishonest. It’s also interesting in that it reflects the basic idea of the show that you must be dishonest with yourself and with everyone else on the show in order to win. If Andi knew in that moment in the fantasy suite that Juan Pablo wasn’t the guy for her, why did she stay and why did she pretend to be asleep? Why didn’t she just leave or at least talk to Juan Pablo, or even really sleep like a normal person. Instead she faked unconsciousness for some inexplicable reason and that reason is seemingly that dishonesty in that situation was the best thing she could come up with. It’s just one more way the show itself upholds outdated ideas of what a relationship should be and of what a woman should be in the presence of a man – silent, avoiding conflict, pretending to be asleep.

Andi then invalidates any forward progress she might have made the following morning when she opens her eyes that she apparently kept shut all night without ever entering unconsciousness by saying, “The things he said were entirely inappropriate and rude but he wasn’t mean to me. That should be clear, like he wasn’t mean to me,” and then one sentence later saying, “In no way was that funny to me. It was mean and it was hurtful towards me.” It’s as though she feels obligated to remove blame from Juan Pablo, just as every other woman has so far but Andi can’t quite help invalidating her own false defense that he wasn’t mean by contradicting herself a few words later.

And she wraps up her hot seat appearance by saying, “Everything was under this guise of honesty and that really frustrated me.” This describes the entire show sweet Andi.

And then we come to Juan Pablo himself – El Bachelor. In much the same way it seemed like the women felt obligated to do some damage control on his behalf, he attempts to finish the job by insisting that, “We can be friends,” which raises very little if any objection from the contestants and even gets some sincere and hopeful smiles from the live audience. Of all the lies told on the show this season, this one may be the most egregious. Even Juan Pablo seems to not believe this as he’s saying it. He shoots a forced smile to the audience giving us proof of a phenomenon known as “Duper’s Delight,” which is one of the rare emotions exhibited by a sociopath. It’s extreme and momentary elation felt when the sociopath becomes aware of a lie in progress that seems to be working. In many cases the sociopath will be unable to withhold an actual smile or smirk with this awareness of success.

When asked if he has any regrets this season he claims to have none, which means the shaming of Claire for engaging in mutually consensual sex was as it should have been in Juan Pablo’s mind. Most of the rest of the first half of Juan Pablo’s time in the hot seat was spent discussing the merit and meaning of his designation of the two mother contestants as his “Special Ones,” which was pointless.

Juan Pablo’s second segment in the hot seat yielded nothing more of value. Andi gave a half-hearted attempt to catch him in an admission that he wasn’t really there for a wife which he avoided by stating basic truths about trying to make connections with the contestants. Sharleen defended him and her own image as the “most interesting” contestant by saying that she felt he did, in fact, get to know her and further offering that maybe they had a different relationship than the other girls. Lucy, the once proud free spirit, dirties her hands in the conversation with some forced outrage by exclaiming, “It’s not a game – this is a relationship!” as though any viewer or contestant could ever possibly believe that.

And finally it seems like we might get to something of value, some cultural commentary that is sorely needed when Kelly the “Dog Lover” bring ups the homophobic comments Juan Pablo made earlier this season. He apologizes and blames it on context saying, “I love gay people. I respect them because they were born that way,” unaware that the designation of being born “that way” and even feeling the need to say “I respect them,” invalidates the idea behind what he’s saying. Although it’s veiled, his statements are still homophobic and once again one of the contestants feels the need to defend him. This time it’s the “most interesting” contestant, Sharleen, whom claims that she found him to be open-minded even though no one else has been provided with any evidence of this.

And possibly the most disturbing thing Juan Pablo says about the matter, and easily the most evidentiary in favor of him being a homophobe comes when he tells Kelly that he’s not going to take four minutes of the show to explain to her why he’s not a homophobe, but he’d rather take an hour after the show to tell her in person. How would it ever take an hour to explain to anyone why you’re not a homophobe? It obviously wouldn’t. Furthermore if you ever need to explain to anyone why you’re not a homophobe (or a racist or a sexist) then you probably are.

Juan Pablo’s estimation that taking a long time to discuss a subject makes his intent more serious is simply an error on his part. Most sociopaths will try to mimic what they feel is the correct emotional reaction to any given situation without actually feeling the emotion. Here, he’s very obviously attempting to seem very concerned about the matter by allotting what he thinks is a serious amount of time, one hour, to the subject. Instead it reveals his true nature of deeply ingrained homophobia.

The obligatory bloopers reel brings us to a moment of levity on the heels of what could have been a decent public debate about how the show is harboring and supporting a deplorable homophobe but wasn’t.

As Chris Harrison moves us into the final phases of the Women Tell All Episode he asks the contestants how they think it will end up and Kat says literally, “It’s anyone’s game – I hate to use the word game because it’s not a game.” And yet it is. We know this so intrinsically, as does she and every contestant on this strange game show that she can’t even stop herself from literally using the word “game” to describe the situation.

And finally we arrive at the sneak peek for the final episode of this season. Phrases like, “ Every little girl dreams of their wedding,”  “fairy tale,”  “down on one knee,” “ring on my finger” not only reinforce all of the outdated ideas about gender and romance that the show rams down our throat every season but one of the final lines used in the sneak peek,  “I can pick out all the negative things and dwell on them but I don’t want to lose this,” proves that even the final two contestants, the ones who should at this point be completely in love with Juan Pablo, view this as a game that must be won or lost. And the prize to be won is shown to us – a giant diamond ring. It’s a gleaming symbol of a woman’s value and it must be given to her by a man. One contestant will claim ultimate validation from the very man who abused her psychologically and the other will remain without value, broken and crushed on her way home alone and finally out of the spotlight where we assume she’ll pick up the pieces and move on with her life, unless she’s proclaimed the next bachelorette. Time will tell.

 

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BachCap Chad Ochocinco

I am fucking tired of this format. I am tired of eight night premieres, no helicopters, virtually no Chris Harrison, unintelligible dialogue and the same “Iseeeee” or “ay jai jai” or “Iliiiiikeeeeet” every time. In what started out potentially being the best season, we have fallen so far that I literally am doubting if I want to cover the show anymore. And I mean actually, not in that I have to get drunk to make love to this show kind of way. In that, I’m tired of watching videos of abused animals to Sarah McLachlan songs way.

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Maybe next season there will be a reason, but no helicopters and a homophobic, misogynistic and faker bachelor who repeats the same thing over and over is leading me just to one conclusion: This show kind of sucks now.

Not in the fun way it used to suck. Just in the way the House of Lies sucks now. Or in the way that getting a prostate exam sucks. Like, I can’t even enjoy the tropical locations or the highlighter colored outfits. I need something redeeming because I want to attack my television every time it is on.

I hold out a little hope. Besitos.

But I do love you, my passionate following, because you are the reason for me. So, let’s just do the damn thing and don’t get pissed at me if I literally go to a subscription model next year because I literally need to get paid to do this if there’s no helicopters.

Seriously, share this, yell at producers, motivate me. This season jumped the shark which is crazy because this is a show about jumping sharks. I need follows, likes, shares, compliments (fished or farmed). Consider me an insecure 15 year old girl. That’s how this show has made me feel.

HOMETOWN DATES!

Off to KANSAS CITY (Kansas or Mizzou?) to see the true location of Dawson’s Creek with Joey Dawson Love Child. Her skin was looking way better so I know for certain she went to the dermo and said “give me the nuclear option, I know the risks and I’ll sign a waiver.”

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They went and ate some barbecue, which is a good call in KC, and then went to ride a mechanical bull together. Just to be clear to Wapalo, who is the worst dude ever, that dual riding of a mechanical bull is actually a worse image for Camila than underwater ocean sex. Want to know why? When she grows up, if she condones and adopts the actions of this show, which she will because her daddy did these things, you’d rather her be with the kind of guy who can afford to take her to a private beach than the dude whose idea of foreplay is Jim Beam shots with a beer back followed by a moonlight dual mechanical bull ride in the south in front of a bunch of drunk Chiefs fans.

Which he’d know if he really had a job working with athletes.

Let’s see. Her mom was good looking minus the mom cut and her dad was basically Ray Liotta. He gave a great answer to the “will you give me your blessing” question. He’s like, if she’s in, I’m in. Basically, I love my daughter, I think you are a ponzi.

I mean the big theme this week was “Dad knows the guy sucks just like America does.” No amount of crying and tear wiping will change that, Wapalo. I’m ready for you to be as depressing as Jake Pavelka is to us now. Fire up some Avicii, need you to FADE INTO DARKNESS, bro. Your show is canceled.

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The DA’s hometown in ATL was immediately great because her nickname is Pookie. That’s all.

They go shoot guns and the producers tried to make it seem like Wapalo couldn’t hit a target ten feet away. They invented the gun so killing someone at ten feet was almost idiot proof. Stop fronting. There’s nothing cute about him, this or a gun shooting date. I’m not anti gun shooting, but WHERE THE FUCK ARE THE HELICOPTERS? IS THERE A HELICOPTER UNION STRIKE I HAVEN’T HEAR ABOUT?

Beyond his name being Hy, which I’m pretty sure came from a nickname related to taking the V cards of a lot of girls, this dude was doing the “Imma kill you sweats” from the get go. I would not want to hang at that dinner table, but I made a point in life of only eating dinner at the houses of women I respected or never slept with. Wapalo and the answers he gives to everything are the kind that would set any dad off. If I was like that to my father in law, I would have lost respect for him if he DIDN’T punch me through the face and yank out my brainstem.

Daughters, don’t bring dudes home that aren’t the one. That’s messed up. Like no helicopters messed up.

Hy’s answer to Wapalo was the best ever. Basically, you have a daughter dating a guy who has 3 girls. Don’t fucking ask me for permission until you kill the other girls and we’re talking in a helicopter. Stop wasting my time. I want to kill you. Soccer sucks.

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Gonna gloss over Maniston’s hometown because I love her, her kid, her parents and her silent but lovely brother as well. Her son throws a baseball great which means either she taught him or she is kind to her ex or her dad and bro are taking care of it. I just wish they didn’t introduce the kid to Wapalo. It’s so clear she is better than him. I don’t want this kid anywhere near her. I have a wife and we both agreed we’d help her raise this kid. He was like the dude from Ratatouille. Who didn’t like that guy?

I hope America can deal with her being smart and sporty (not an Emily Maynard), because I think she could be Bachelorette and she’d make great decisions and actually find a great dude who’d love to step into a nice family and a loving wife. Somewhere out there, that’s the point. And helicopters, of which there are none.

Crickets date is in some roseless rose garden, which explains Sacramento to anyone that hasn’t gotten my references. Crickets’ house is like a brothel. It’s just a billion women of different genetic combinations, Claire being the best combo. Well, other than her mom who seems like the best one. Like at any moment if a helicopter was available, she’d have jumped on it and GTFO.

I don’t know what her one sister was doing with the ultimate cockblock, but considering how much Wapalo sucks and how brainwashed Crickets is, she was probably doing him a favor. Besitos.

The main thing is that her mother is fluent in Spanish. HOW THE FUCK IS CRICKETS UNABLE TO PRONOUNCE ANY SPANISH? HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE TO GROW UP IN CALIFORNIA WITH A SPANISH SPEAKING MOM AND NOT LEARN?

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He sends home Maniston (thank god for her) and she turns out to be a pretty crier. If she wants to contact me, I am happy to set her up with a fucking winner who would take her in a helicopter and everything.

FAH TAH SEE SWEETS!

Off to helicopterless St. Lucia to the dope ass Viceroy Sugar Beach (my nickname in high school) (also, my wife just closed the browser).

The Crickets date has solidified that Swimming In The Ocean is the new “we had sex.” Like, if you go on a nice date you should ask your partner if they feel like swimming in the ocean or if they are too tired from work to tread water or too bloated and need to wait thirty minutes before swimming. I mean, not to be disgusting but there is some “attracting sharks” excuse for, well, you know for when.

Thanks Bachelor!

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Claire does the thing where she acts like she has a backbone and then just gets naked and hooks up. Here’s the thing. She is who I want to win. She is the only one who just doesn’t care about anything a normal person would (like helicopters) and just pretty much wants Wapalo. And in any marriage it is more important what goes on between the involved parties than how we see it. She’s all in. She’s his best chance for love, even though I have one fuck to spare for his aventura.

Andi had a waterfall date. Yawn.

What was amazing though was a Bachelor first (for me at least in my 6 or so seasons) in that she basically woke up and said what we were all thinking. He’s selfish, boring, misogynistic, name-dropping and totally not into helicopters. She was just like “I’m out” and that did it for me. Hy, her father, literally high fived his buddies because he “dadded” the shit out of his daughter. It’s like the boxer you train knocking a dude out. I hope I have that feeling one day when I train my daughter to hate you future children boys of millenials.

Nikki dresses in “cowboy hooker” attire. She’s mastered the tight top at the perfect latitude for optimal cleavage. They ride some horses. She tells him she loves him. Whatever.

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No helicopters later, Andi decides she’s going to let Wapalo have it, and she does… Until she goes typical girl and basically begs him to convince her otherwise, that she WAS special. I was so into her gumption until then. She got it back in the car and I guess breaking up is hard to do. I can’t say I was any better, we all want validation. Here’s hoping she does what other smart people do, find a better model that likes you more and post tons of pics to social media about how happy you are. Andi, just go put some perps in jail, keep being you and you will be great. Fuck him and his lack of helicopters.

Side note, he is GOOD at breaking up with girls. It was like trying to catch smoke. That’s a warning sign, FYI. A dude who expects the Muppets has been to a lot of puppet shows, bro. Yafeel me?

Rose ceremony was only funny because Nikki was like I NEED AN ANSWER NYOW and then she was like “whatever, abs.”

I WILL NOT BE COVERING THIS WOMEN TELL ALL.

But I will be there for you at the 13 part finale. And hopefully that’s the end of this.

And I saw the helicopter in the preview but I’m not convinced until I see it and I get the triumphant bachelor theme music. This has been a Batman film without a Batmobile like object.

FIX IT.

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BachCap Siete

Ay jai jai! We are going to Miami this week in what is becoming a Wapalo hate fest. This week, the producers worked hard to throw us off the scent that Wapalo brings a swaggy misogynistic perve (wrong word, I’m sorry, my language isn’t so good) to every interaction he has with women.

Seriously, sometimes it makes the life of being chained to a Viking range cooking in weird lingerie and reciting from the bible that Catherine Giuuguiguidici is being doped into via Sean Lowe seem like a cake walk. Wapalo will get his face next to yours, whisper to you not to cry or have feelings and then mind rape you into loving him.

Side note. Catherine actually posted this. I guess the problem with PR for a show like this is it takes a special breed in most cases to want to be on it…

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I mean, it should make for good TV, only…

The intro had a DISTINCT feel of “we shot this the minute Wapalo got in trouble for saying bad things about gay people.” That’s because his first defense was “I have a gay cousin” and apologies if my radar is off, but pretty sure the only reason he randomly had a cousin over in the completely pointless intro montage was to show he hugs his cousin and loves his cousin.

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Dude. The best way to not be a homophobe is to not be a homophobe. You don’t need to prove you love your cousin. Just don’t say shit that is homophobic. When someone asks if you think there could be a gay Bachelor. You just be like “Fuck yeah, why not” and go back to hooking up with 27 women.

If that cousin he showed for no reason wasn’t his gay cousin… Well then cool braces big guy! Looking forward to the final product and thanks for showing up. I don’t care either way.

But seriously, if that wasn’t his gay cousin, the PR engine sure made it seem this way. Frankly, we don’t we care less.

The first date was complete fucking garbage. It was a garbage salad sandwich. It was Opera Singer doing VO about how Wapalo is basically a moron, but she just wants to hook up with him because [insert male equivalent of boobs].

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All he does is press his face into these girls, bite their lips, make out with them, tell them not to cry, then when they do elaborately wipe their tears in a way that makes me think it’s a fetish. There is a bunch of “you look goood, I liiiiike that” and then rinse, repeat, try not to kill yourself.

That is all this date was and literally having to watch her Gag Kiss him on a boat. There was no talking whatsoever and then they cut to her VO and she repeats over and over that he is basically just a piece of meat. But then she’s like “I’ll give up my career for you” and then back to “no fucking way.”

Bottom line, people debate making bad decisions for brief lusty encounters. FIGHT THE URGES (except in college) and then date for love. It lasts longer.

At some weird non-linear point of the evening the producers had Maniston be the crying shoulder for the 11th time this season. I mean, just play this the minute she comes on screen.

The next date is with Joey & Dawson’s Infinite Lovechild (Nikki) and it’s mainly about torturing his ex-wife, which makes sense because when not slut-shaming, repeating the same pick-up lines or looking fascinated by boats, Wapalo loves putting women in their place (according to him, please don’t close the browser wife).

Seriously though, JDIL is going to go to Camila’s dance recital, meet his parents and his ex-wife, who looks like she wants to take a razor to her cheeks and make face bacon. I am dying to know what Venezuelan telenovela dramatic closet skeletons Wapalo has on his ex to make her subject herself to this. Also, nothing screams “Camila is the most important” like bringing one of six potential new moms to a dance recital. Totally won’t manifest in her personality later. She’ll probably totally make good relationship decisions.

But the real star of this date was the wardrobe designer. I mean, they know she’d be meeting an ex wife, a child and two parents and they put her in a front-less tank top thing. I mean, we all got to know her better. I don’t want to be the guy who is angry about boobs, but let’s be honest. Wapalo is a slut-shamer and nothing screams “gonna get shamed” like showing a child, the grandparents and the last woman your breasts at a children’s dance recital.

Pretty sure at one point she turned it around for the interviews. Still, I think she did pretty great, didn’t back down, knew how to talk to and about Camila. I don’t fault her for hating the other girls in the house, or rather, not paying attention to them. I mean, I can barely.

That night, Nikki decided to wear even less and go to Wapalo’s “office,” or rather Marlins Park, where he once translated a letter to a player’s side piece girlfriend one time. STOP FRONTING YOU HAVE A JOB WAPALO. The field was empty, which would have been more special if Marlins Park wasn’t always empty. I mean, nobody watches them play and that makes it an even better front for Wapalo’s fake job. Who would even notice if he was ever there or not. This is what it’s like on gameday:

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Nikki should endorse boob tape because she dressed like Leeloo Dallas Multipass to play baseball and we didn’t see much at all. Good for her and for the innovators at 3M.

Later that night, common sense wins the war and Opera Singer goes to dump Wapalo who basically just wipes her tears and they whisper in voices that made me want to puke. I mean they were all lip-smackey and gross and made me feel like a drunk girl was chewing gum in my ear.

Whatever, she left the show and is probably better off.

Group date was with a fucking plane boat or something that’s still not a helicopter so fuck you everyone. I don’t care. Let’s go sit on a fucking beach again and do nothing. Wapalo says “niiiiiiice, I liiiiike eeeeet” thirty times, District Attorney gets all insecure and then gets a rose. I mean, I have not two fucks to give for this date.

The only fun part was Crickets losing her Sacramento mind because she didn’t get a rose. I just can’t wait to see her reality show where she coaches a team of stressed out junior high cheerleaders into eating disorders. She is going to have a hilarious mouth in middle age.

JUAN PABLO GALAVIS, RENEE, ANDI

That night at the house, Cricketts decides she is going to pick a fight with JDIL. If you could follow what on earth they were even talking about, handcuff yourself and start screaming help. Literally, at one point they argued if the room Nikki was sleeping in was “her” room because she doesn’t own the hotel. That happened. In fact, this conversation was the greatest argument for vasectomy ever.

The cocktail party had a really long manufactured pause between these two, but it was better than listening to Wapalo kiss a woman, so whatever. Crickets takes such long pauses between words, for all I know she was talking the whole time, we just saw the middle of her sentence.

Chelsie gets sent home and I learned for the first time that they let you drink on the ride to the airport. How humane.

Fuck this. Hometowns.

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BachCap Seis on Seis on Seis

I have to admit, I’m sort of captivated this season. Wapalo is so reasonably likable on the surface, but then just drops incredible, potentially-language-barrier-based bombs that shake the already flimsy foundations of these reality television tributes from their respective districts.

And it’s getting down to it. Every year I want to quit writing this thing, but once they start traveling and unravelling, I get sucked back in.

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And what better place to get sucked back in than Middle Earth. New Zealand, as it was called before Lord of the Rings, became the the backdrop for this week’s bloody, misogynistic beat down. Wet Mess (Scottsdale) tried to tell me how some resort was the most exclusive resort in the world or something, but I’m really not prepared to discuss “exclusive” resorts from a Phoenix area NBA dancer who pays for bottle service at nightclubs in strip malls. I’m sorry. I’m not hating on her (other than calling her Wet Mess, I mean you know dating her means finding extensions, Q-tips, make up pads and fake eyelashes stuck to pretty much everything in your place), I’m just not ready to believe this place is exclusive and also I’m not Googling it because… Well, I just don’t care.

Neither did Chris Harrison, who has been MIA forever now. He could have gotten really pinched in Vietnam and you just feel like he gave up on visiting Middle Earth and smuggled some shit to Hong Kong. Godspeed, you ageless man.

The DA gets the first date and as she smiles with her tiny razor teeth, Crickets goes from upbeat to complete meltdown mode. When she gets upset, you’d think she got a lower score than she expected in figure skating.

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Truthfully, that was a metaphor. By ice skating, I meant ocean sex and by lower score I mean being slut shamed on national television.

So, yeah. Crickets is not impressed. For now.

Vertical Natalie Portman (prettiest crier in years) and Maniston have a little heart to heart in which you realize they should just Big Love that shit and be sister wives. It’s actually a pretty good option for some illegal polygamist out there. I mean, all they need is the weird one, but they can find her near the compound. I’m about efficiency and if they both married Wapalo, they’d assure fathers and siblings for their communal kids. And they’d have 3/5 of a basketball team, which is good because Vertical Nat has connections, I’m told.

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DA’s date is on some whacky speed boat, whatever WHERE ARE THE FUCKING HELICOPTERS THIS SEASON IS KILLING ME. The fun part is next time you want to go to an 80s party, just ride in a speed boat. Wapalo came off with 1987 cocaine dealer hair.

They go through some rock tunnel to go lick each other’s faces in a waterfall and DA is super impressed that he’s so chivalrous for helping her through the rock maze. If your standard of chivalry is “man not letting you die while being filmed,” you need to see a fucking therapist stat. Set a higher bar. It’s the Olympics after all.

Good news for criminals in her home town. No one is going to take her seriously in court. If she’s bringing heat on them, they’ll be like “man you are grinding me like I was a Venezuelan under a waterfall.” Which is also a new thing you should all say.

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At dinner, a geyser goes off providing 3 full minutes of “that’s what she said” jokes. I’m sure you did it already. She gets a rose. The criminal defense system gets an F. F minus.

Crickets gets the Juan on Juan, which means he wanted more sex, more slut shaming or setting her up for a private kill shot.

Group date looked like everything I ever wanted in high school. Action sports in a self contained water slide packed full of NBA dancers. So basically, this scene should have been in the Hobbit. And other media. All the media.

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After all of that 14 year old wet dream is over, they literally go to 14 year old super-heaven by literally going to get drunk at The Shire. Not some place like The Shire. They full on Hobbit Party.

Wapalo tells Maniston she is one of his “special ones” which is what every girl dreams of. Being one of many special people. Dawson Joey Lovechild plays tonsil hockey. Gross kissing ensues. Who is the kissing instructor for this show?

Then there’s the issue of the Opera Singer. She plays hard to get. She invites a kiss. She looks like she is gagging when he kisses her. Like her body language when being kissed is like when they put eyes drops in at the ophthalmologist. Whatever, it seems to be working.

It’s Vertical Natalie Portman’s birthday (potentially her Sweet 16) and Wapalo tries to stay awake when she says generic nice single mom things to him.

Rose goes to Opera and her gag reflex.

Then he takes Vertical Natalie aside to tell her she is ALSO one of his “special ones” and that she’s getting dumped on her b-day.

I was glad she lost this show. Because she is the tallest, prettiest, best crier, most NBA dancerist person on the show and also getting child support from a millionaire. Now the world knows you exist and you are ready for love (and to take your driver’s test). It’ll work out for you. Now move out of Michigan. Just a thought.

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Crickets gets her Juan on Juan, and they even dressed alike. This ends up being a conversation where he manages to convince her he apologized for making her feel bad for “swimming in the ocean with her” when he actually didn’t. You hear what you want to hear, especially when you are from Sacramento. She is literally proof of California’s public school system being 2nd worst in the nation (AND I AM A PRODUCT OF IT SO I’M SUPER ANGRY).

I mean, all he said was that he “felt bad saying no to her” so he had sex with her out of pity and that “she should only cry when she’s happy.”

Uf. Que lastima. He rewards her with a rose because she bought it and, well, fantasy suites. Which Camila will totally understand. FACESMACK.

Side note, when he puts Crickets in his harem pants or whatever they are called, I realized he has multiple pairs of these. One is too many. Sorry, if you want your dating life to improve, don’t date anyone with those pants. You don’t need to know why. I know why. Don’t do it. It’s a bullet train to velour jumpsuits in 30 years. Trust me.

Harrison sneaks up super creepy for a brief interview in which I had no idea what Wapalo said beyond he aventura and mundo and fuck this guy.

In last ditch efforts to become arbitrary special ones, Wet Mess and Chelsie decide to go for it. They know they are on the fence and at this point their options are pretty much ocean swim, steal a rose, kill the competition or hide in someone’s luggage and continue the aventura.

Wet Mess goes for the sob story, which made me sad, but it’s also the second most likely way to not win this show. The first is shit talking another girl. But this is a close second.

Chelsie spoke at supersonic speeds and covered a lot of shit that, well, I’m not gonna cover.

Wet Mess gets the boot, but what was weird was whatever was going on with Opera Singer. They were BFF or something. A world-traveling opera singer and an NBA dancer. It’s like a Disney film.

With slut-shaming.

See you next week when Harrison cuts the production budget and takes us back to America, but to Miami where he can put the production budget he saved directly into cocaine.

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BachCap Cinco de Wapalo

Is there anything more apropos than Chris Harrison leading Wapalo and his traveling ring-seeking circus to Vietnam? I mean, it’s really not hard to picture an elderly Harrison in a slim-fit suit leading future people throwing their pride away on television on dates in war-torn parts of the middle east. If there was any reason for this it was so that I could say in later BachCaps that “back in Nam things got heavy” all Apocalypse Now and Full Metal Jacket-y. If you are one of my readers that hasn’t seen these films, see them. Then write a five-paragraph essay comparing and contrasting them to this episode…

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Because there was definitely underwater guerrilla warfare going on in the oceans back in Nam. But we’ll get there.

ABC MANDATORY ACKNOWLEDGEMENT THAT WHAT BETTER PLACE TO FIND LOVE THAN THE MANDARIN ORIENTAL BILTMORE HILTON VIETNAM DANANG.  But really. What’s with this being a total mixtape hotel. That’s three hotel chains in one. Given, they are nice chains, but this is the KenTacoHut of hotels. KenTacoHut is when Kentucky Fried Chicken, Taco Bell and Pizza Hut share one store.

So I’m anti-mashups. Chris Harrison, not so much. You drink a few drinks, you pop a lude, you blow a line, YOU GET IT TOGETHER AND HAND OUT SOME ROSES. Champagne, sedative, molly, dance party, sleep, wake up in another city and piece the clues together.

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Maniston gets the first date and continues to refuse to put on make up or anything beyond a tanktop. I mean, she is 1 of the 2.5 wife-worthy humans on this show (I mean, you don’t actually want a needy D.A. for a wife, she gets a half status for being a terrible combination of personal issue and career choice. Terrifying.)

Can this show just change it’s name to “Browsing Asian Markets?” EVERY SEASON it’s like we’re going to browse an Asian market as if in America we didn’t have these. We buy a local outfit, we sweat way too much (who is putting Wapalo in yellow the whole time, he sweats like a dickhead toddler is chasing him with a squirt gun) and occasionally we eat a bug. We can cover this in Little Osaka off Sawtelle in West LA.

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The date is fine, but Wapalo is half ass about it and perhaps in Venezuela the only crime worse than having a fake job and being a failed soccer player is kissing a woman with a child. I can’t keep track of Wapalo’s rules and this gets really crazy later. It started with his feelings that gay people are perverted compared to straight people (or whatever he meant, I can’t figure out what he is saying at any point and it’s not because he has an accent, it’s because he is shitfaced the whole time and can barely keep his eyes open – QUE SLEEPY!) and now continues with his not kissing of a woman with a child unless that woman danced in the NBA and stares blankly into the cosmos (Vertical Natalie Portman).

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Look, while she is putting a candle in a box wishing for a kiss, Wapalo is worried her kid is going to not respect him (or maybe Desperado style murder him vendetta style later in life when he wears jumpsuits and is overweight). Whatever. Fuck this date.

On the group date, they are going to do “traditional Vietnamese stuff” which could range from the pleasurable eating of authentic pho to hiding in the jungle and prolonging a military engagement through the use of guerrilla warfare. It was wide open.

They instead ride around in basket boats, Wapalo takes Crickets on a staged crash landing and licks her tonsils for a few minutes because she is for some reason the moron American he’s been dying to jilt. FORESHADOW.

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Really, it’s just proof that Wapalo is having the direct opposite reaction to her mouth that America is.

I kept seeing Chelsie pop up and immediately I’m like there’s a 16 year old in the water! And she may need headgear! But really, I kind of like her. Not for me, but like, for society. She seems fun. Like she’d go to junior prom with you.

The D.A. needs a bunch of reassuring and men everywhere remembered why they broke up with their ex girlfriends and women everywhere thought of the girl on the couch next to them they just want to stop talking about the guy who isn’t calling because he isn’t, this isn’t National Treasure with Nick Cage, there’s no clues or codes, if he wanted a pizza, he’d fucking order one.

Hopefully all of the aforementioned read that out loud together and are on the road to honesty. I mean, we’re all friends here. Let’s make week six a happy place. Unless you are Crickets. FORESHADOW. THUNDERCLAP. LIGHTNING. POWER GOES OUT.

At dinner, Wapalo grabs Crickets and takes her aside to make out or construct sentences with 20 second pauses in the middle. Instead, she ponzi’s him into his suite where she is bathing suit ready in full straddle mode and then says “no more kissing” so that Wapalo’s crotch guidance system is triggered. Target acquired. Her behavior totally dominated on K Street in Sacramento, which if you haven’t visited, I highly recommend you keep it that way.

They end up going in the ocean and whatever… Until we realize this isn’t going in the ocean. This is sex and the show has to be vague about that fact. But it’s sex. In the ocean. Likely unprotected. Crickets is trying to explain what happened in voiceover without being able to call it sex and that is like asking a child to do calculus. She is talking about her feelings, warm bath water, all kinds of things. But really, this was the nuclear option. So confident in her sexual ability, she pulls the trigger like Swimsuit Issues did to Lost Angeles Super Friend Ben Flajnik and hopes that will carry her to the finale.

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Somewhere, Maniston’s kid is glad he didn’t kiss his mother and respects him far more for having ocean sex with a soon to be jilted girl from Sacramento.

She gets the rose. And possibly a nasty rash from the saltwater.

The next one on one goes to Nikki, who finally I realized looks like what Dawson and Joey’s kid would have looked like if they had one. Now, it’s all I can see. It’s like an alternate universe where Joey sings “On My Own” and then they get pregnant, raise a child poorly and now she’s rappelling into a giant hole (METAPHOR) with Wapalo.

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Dawson’s Love Child is mad panicky, but Wapalo’s magic Venezuelan kisses fix her. If this show was based on reality, I’d never do any adventure sport without an attractive man to kiss me when it got difficult. Like, the army would issue handsome men to make out with marines before storming the shore. Imagine if in Private Ryan when Tom Hanks is on the beach seeing dudes dying and looking for body parts, world’s grosses kisser Arie Niereurerywedyk shows up and makes out with him and he has the courage to continue.

[Smacks forehead. Sorry Tom Hanks. And veterans. It's Nam. It's always Nam.]

JP is so regretting having sex with Crickets last night that he is blackout drunk and so happy just to listen to Dawson’s Love Child talk about being a nurse because basically, it’s not making the mistake of having ocean sex with a potential stage five clinger.

Man, the bar got set low.

We get to the rose ceremony and it hits me that the kissing rules are different in Venezuela than anywhere else. He’s kissing this one and the he tries to respect Maniston, but they finally kiss even though that seems like her swan song on this show. And good. She deserves a nice man in the civilian world. Frankly, hit me up, I’ll set you up with a friend Maniston.

Then the show goes to a bad place. In Nam. That’s a real thing that happened in a bad place. It went FUBAR. FUCKED UP BEYOND ALL RECOGNITION.

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For no clear reason, Wapalo pulls Crickets aside and full on slut-shames her, which really pisses me off. It’s probably the same language barrier that caused him to call all gay people perverts, but for some reason he had to tell a girl he had ocean sex with that he regrets it. On national television. He sort of acts like it was not mutual, but we all saw it wasn’t rape. He basically calls her a bad influence on her daughter. She already has a rose sooooo…

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What just happened here? A nightmare?

Crickets had been confident, saying in a toast that she was cheers-ing to finding love and making love. The show is being super coy about what obviously happened and after she gets kicked to the damn curb via Wapalo’s ass backwards logic, she’s back crying, pretending it’s allergies and setting up Wapalo as the biggest idiot in the history of this show.

Because if you know women, you know what’s next. She tells someone because she is on an island of slut-shame she doesn’t deserve (Wapalo was pretty damn willing, even if she was aggressive) and that someone will tell the rest of the girls and they will form a wolfpack that is actually pissed at her, but rather than accepting Wapalo is more sexually attracted to her than them, they will bond together against him because high school.

It was bad form all around. Things went nuts in Nam. They always do. WHY! WHY DAMMIT!

I have to be honest, while this blog is a total joke, I don’t think it’s okay what happened this week. You don’t create a show about “opening up” and then slut-shame a woman for having sex before the fantasy suites when the dude says it’s time. It’s 2014. Sure, she made a tactical error. Sure, I wouldn’t date her. But she doesn’t deserve to be shamed, that is total BS and the show should make a statement. Mainly because it’d be hilarious, but also because let’s just keep it real. We want the people on the show to get with each other.

They didn’t promote much during the year that Sean Lowe was a born again virgin. They are now glossing over what happened here. I just want some transparency. It would be a good lesson to girls out there…

Fuck it. Hunger Games. I don’t care.

It was Nam. A lot of crazy shit happened.

Damn, now I need to watch Apocalypse Now again. Nam, man. Nam.

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BachCap: Cuatro (de baño)

Before we get started, I just have to exclaim how awful the Sean Lowe/Catherine Giuiuiuiuidiuici wedding was, even at the breakneck speeds my wife and I were fast-forwarding at.

Beyond the ridiculous contractual obligation to have Trista and the ghost of Ryan at your wedding, you also have to have a bunch of people you made out with there for no reason. And Andy Dick. For no reason. And Neil Lane gets to be there, botox and mid-life English Laundry dress shirt and all, snapping pictures like he has one fuck to spare.

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Beyond the ridiculousness of Sean Lowe claiming to be a virgin, or rather “born-again” virgin, the fact we had a honeymoon suite live cam the whole episode made me want to be a born-again person who has never watched this show.  But here’s the thing. You can’t be a born again virgin. That’s not a thing. After birth, can your wife have a born-again C Section? Does the scar go away because Jesus?

Guys, this isn’t a religious attack. It’s saying let’s be accurate. You can’t just say you are born-again “insert thing you already did.” I am a born-again murderer. I used to kill folks, but now I didn’t do that. It doesn’t work in the legal system, I’m not accepting it here.

Sean, you are a dude who for whatever reason (that is probably FAR more interesting than watching you go to La Perla and buy lingerie reserved for pros that know that was the Rodeo location and to enter from the side courtyard you fucking tourist) that had sex in college and whatever happened decided SEX IS NOT FOR ME UNTIL MARRIAGE.

Also, don’t call your fiancee “chesty.” Is this a saloon? Is Val Kilmer there with dysentery starting fights? Is Wyatt Earp around. If you don’t know her size, don’t be in the store. Or don’t insult us that you had anything to do with any of this from La Perla to pretending to pay for it. You are a former fitness model.

And conversely, America got dumber with Catherine tried to explain to Mindy Weiss, queen of weddings on earth, her theme. “Grown sexy.” HOLY SHIT. I get sexy (but not when the wedding ends up being another nude bridesmaids dress with a shit ton of garden lanterns like everyone for 3 years now), but “grown…”??! How about “adult” or “refined” or “elegant.” Grown sexy just sounds like a dumb fucking Chris Brown lyric.

I’ll end it like this. Fuck this wedding. Fuck you. I’m the Grinch as far as you are concerned. Let us know how it is getting to know each other, you guys clearly didn’t write your own vows and probably have never peed with the door open around each other. THAT’S FIRST DATE MANDATORY WITH ME.

My wife just closed the browser and please born-again-sex-god may Sean and Grown Sexy get it annulled before they waste their lives or before I have to see them at Des and Chris’ wedding, which while they are annoying on Instagram, at least seem like they enjoy each other and possibly hang out, share a bed and aren’t pretending to not have had sex ever. YOU BOTH HAVE HAD SEX,  YOU ARE’NT VIRGINS.

Wow. I was angry. Time to slow roll into some Latin jams.

Chris Harrison showed up in a shirt he totally stared at in the mirror for hours after a long night of listening to EDM remixes and eating Molly like Mike n Ikes (Tuesdays on CBS). He told the girls they were going to South Korea (ug, why not North). Crickets (Sacramento) immediately says “I don’t even have a kimono” and that’s okay because no one in Korea does because they are Japanese. I’d say that was racist, but she legit still to this day thinks geography is the one where you measure triangles and geometry is the one where you study rocks and geometry is the one where you name the continents.

So, yeah. She dumb.

Literally, Wapalo’s date cards have gone down from three words to one. Now it’s like “POP” and next week it will just be like “Z*@#@” and these girls will still go “awwwwww” and I will still drink Robotussin to get thru the first segment.

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I GOT SEOUL BUT I’M NOT A SOULJA BOY.

We’re in Korea and what better place to K-mundo a K-Aventura than in Korea. I already know this trip is going to be racist as hell. They are going to sing K Pop, eat K bugs and probably do K-araoke, which is also Japanese. But why not.

They go to some dance studio where they are going to dance with K Pop “legends” 2NE1 or something, which to me just looks like an address. Either way, I don’t trust ABC that anyone knows 2NE1 because no one knows anyone they bring on this show. Either way, the lead singer speaks far more intelligible English than any contestant on the show.

Scottsdale and her overly-bronzed surgical enhancements start fronting hard that she is an epic dancer, and I am sure the weekly roided dude she brings home from Scottsdale one-word nightclubs tell her that, but I think being tactically aware is a desirable trait and you should stop trying to outdance Vertical Natalie Portman who actually is a professional dancer who was so good she got to baby mama a future NBA player (depending on if you think that’s a good thing, either way, she probably can move).

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I actually fell a little in love with Vertical Natalie because she kind of just shut up, gave it a respectful 60% effort and let Scottsdale just look like the first person to get killed in a horror movie some more.

By the way, her nickname is now Wet Mess. Girls are either clean, dry mess or wet mess. Dry mess is like papers are everywhere. Dry mess girls are always 20 minutes of organizing from being clean. Wet mess means your parents and you didn’t get along or they flat out quit because your room has a glass of OJ that now looks like a brillo pad from mold, you have extensions and false eyelashes stuck to your headboard, mirror, possibly your nails, the toes separators used for painting toenails are everywhere the way clean girls distribute candles and unless you are ten minutes from going to a bar, your hair looks wet.

Scottsdale is 100% wet mess, in the next week one of her buds will email me to tell me. That’s how this show works with this blog.

So they go to a K Mall to K Perform and Nikki (who is pretty damn funny and cannot be blamed for being annoyed by Crickets) doesn’t want to do K Dancing but she K Sacks Up and K Does it anyway. Wet Mess goes with her own choreography and manages to reveal side, top and under boob all at once.

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At the K Cocktail party, Wet Mess and her chest bronze are all 50 Shades of Boobs as she tells Wapalo about her parents divorce (explains Wet Mess tendencies) and how she needs to be independent so when she meets an alcoholic like her dad to marry, she will have skills (not just dancing and being a wet mess) to pay the bills.

Miss Piggy commits the cardinal sin of Bachelor. I mean, she literally proves she has never watched the show or the K Chardonnay is too strong to control. She talks to Wapalo about other girls in the house, “for the wrong reasons,” blah-blah-blah. Start K-packing.

Nikki gets the rose, much to the K rage of the other contestants and Wapalo gives her a total Sean Lowe kiss. The producers wanted to make sure he learned to kiss in a way that is interesting to America, in the same way shark week is.

Opera Singer goes on a Juan on Juan and I realized that every girl this week had a matching undergrounder zit going on in the same location on their cheek. Harrison is smuggling heroin in these girls’ faces. He’s hilarious.

IN THE FACE!

Opera is working a massive slow roll, she eats some weirdo food, whatever. Hey, we’re in a K market, that’s crazy. I could be watching Downton. Suddenly, she is singing and Wapalo and her are gross making out. I will say this, he actually talks to her and sincerely it made me feel bad for him being new to America and speaking no English. It was weird, they are vibing each other. Can’t believe she’s a contender.

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Second group date is more K adventures where we are getting K marketed to by the K tourism board. When I saw they were going to Dr. FishZone, I wondered if this was some form of pregnancy clinic and the English translation was just super off, but no, this is a place where fish eat the crap off your feet.

And while Maniston’s mommy feet are absolute chateaubriand for these fish, if Wet Mess had even gone near it… SHARKNADO.

Crickets is stealing the K date and starts freaking out about eating octopus. I mean, one, that’s not a Korean thing and two, that’s the weirdest thing you can think of? I mean, Worse Version of District Attorney calls her out and earns my friendship by being like “whaddafuck yo, you can get that at the Italian joint down the street in Chicago” and I was like “CORRECT.”

And it wasn’t even 3 michelin star live, still moving octopi. This was like KFC fried hot sauce octopus. Just grow up or get eliminated already.

Whatever, more K-araoke in some weird floral print room and then it’s the night date where Wapalo decides he is going to spend 18 minutes being a good influence on Camila and not kiss people, including that one girl who flips out and comes close to K suicide (same thing, you just dance to happy music when you do it).

D.A. get the rose because “she gets Wapalo’s humor” or in other words, has no clue what he says and laughs because he is hot.

K Cocktail party, Miss Piggy hides her sequins under a kermit-colored dress, but you fooled no one and now are going home.

In the end, this episode was worth it for the K Pop lip sync at the end.

Next week, they go to Nam. Can’t wait. Nam joke city.

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BachCap Week Tres Leches

Let’s get the big skeleton OUT OF THE CLOSET. Wapalo got his foot in his mouth (more than he does normally just trying to communicate in English) by saying some possibly misconstrued, likely el super Catholico comments about gay folks. Basically, that there shouldn’t be a gay bachelor season because they are “perverts” or a bad influence on children. He later said he isn’t great at English (no shit) and pervert wasn’t the right word and that he has lots of respect for gay people, but then a bunch more stuff about not wanting Camila to see two gay guys have kids.

totes straight.

totes straight.

Basically, I don’t care. I am pro love on this blog, but I am also pro ignoring everything that comes out of people on television’s mouths, especially broken English rants on morality by a guy who will make out with 27 women and then come home to kiss his daughter.

I think Wapalo is a good dude. I think he’s probably a little religious and frankly, we shouldn’t ask idiots questions we don’t want to hear the answers to. Between this and everyone flipping out about Richard Sherman on the Seahawks, America dropped the ball because there was a lot of shit we could have been giving a shit about but were too busy worrying what a man who is looking for a wife amongst NBA dancers, nudists, Sacramentans and breast implants thinks about gay people and the sanctity of marriage.

If you hang with Chris Harrison, you burnt up your vote on “sanctity of marriage.”  Find your mate in the jungle like the rest of us are (we are the 99%).

Damn, I’m sore from being on my high horse. No, for real. My horse is from Colorado and ate a ton of legal pot. He was a high horse.

Anyhoo.  BachCap? Si, por favor. Ya’ll have mundo. Usted me termina. I feel like that’s “you complete me” in Spanish. So much mundo. Aventura? Vamanos!

Harrison came out rocking color blocking on his shirt so severe, I thought the top and bottom of his torso were playing Tetris.

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Vertical Natalie Portman gets the first date and while her and Wapalo seemed to be getting along, her boobs were clearly in an argument and trying to run in opposite directions off her chest.

Didn’t matter though because there was no escaping the Venezuelan U-Turn, which involves just driving your car into a body of water for no reason. Many thought this was a cool “helicopter” style date, but the truth was, in prepping for the show, ABC’s production crew realized Juan constantly pulled the Venezuelan U-Turn and for any scene where they were near water forced him to ride in a car that is also a boat. The behind-the-scenes of Juan explaining how he is such a good driver that he can make his car “walk on water” is classic television, especially if you see Harrison smoking opium in the background laughing at the dailies.

Actually, in the absence of a helicopter, I analyzed this water truck and it was called “Panther” which just felt like a fucked up name for a car that is also a boat. I mean, do panthers even swim? I feel like they just bounce around the jungle and fuck up wild boar and shit. In Seattle they have these boats and they all called “duck” or “goose” or things that we see go on land and in water without drowning. Panther?

They started making out in the water and that seemed cool until I realized the super said Vertical NP is 21 years old??? And she said she hasn’t been on a first date since she was 18? I’m no math wizard (because wizards are known for math), but this leaves a DEFINITE possibility that Rodney Stuckey got her pregnant before she was legal. I know she said 18, but I mean, we’re cutting it close for a pro athlete, right? I mean, do the Pistons take 18 year old dancers?

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She told Wapalo that her mother was protective, but clearly that’s a loose term. Not so protective that she “had to go to college” or wasn’t allowed to “avoid school to dance in Detroit for low wages” or “get pregnant by an NBA player who didn’t put a ring on it before being able to order a beer.” Hoping her mom isn’t a bodyguard. She is not protective. She is a condom with puncture wounds.

So let’s just be clear. She is making us believe that she made the Pistons dancers, got pregnant and had a kid and posed for the following photos before being 21?

And why not stay with Rodney? They seem happy. But Trey is way older in the show pictures. I just don’t get the timeline. What is David Stern’s (NBA commissioner) stance on impregnating one of your team’s cheerleaders before she can legally buy beer?

She’s attractive, let’s give her a pass. AND A ROSE! Wapalo likes her because “she is beautiful and she dances” so girls out there, remember. Men totes care about your personality. FACESMACK.

Group date card comes in and I realized that Wapalo will literally not write a card longer than three words. A haiku would be longer than his invitations. It’s always “I KICK BALLS!” or “PANTHER CAR BOATZ” or “PHOTOGRAPH DOG BOOBS.” Best part is girls don’t have one fuck to give and are like “WHATEVER HE’S SO HAWT I LOVE HOW I HAVE NO CLUE WHAT HE’S SAYING.”

They go to the StubHub Center where Wapalo is playing with actual LA Galaxy players AJ De la Garza, Todd Dunivant and Juninho, who honestly should have been training after blowing their chance to three-peat and not effing around with a dude who played minor league soccer for like 8 years with 10 different teams.

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But it was worth it when the girls showed up and discussed if getting hit the face with balls hurt or not. I mean, that’s low brow but until there’s a fucking helicopter, it’ll have to do.

The Opera singer is a pretty good sport because she gets booted in the face about seven times and judging by the tweets I get, that made you all happy. You betches.

Later that night, Wapalo talks about how cool it is to have a soccer stadium empty all to himself, but I mean, you played for Miami FC in the minor leagues. Pretty sure you are used to empty stadiums. Sorry, brah. Keeping it real.

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The Opera singer girl and Wapalo share their first kiss and holy shit it’s the worst thing since Sean Lowe tried to eat food out of every girl’s mouth last year. I swear watching her kiss Sean would be worse than Two Girls, One Cup. NOT HYPERBOLE. I was going to puke watching this girl kiss Wapalo so she gets the name DRY HEAVE. That’d be so mean if you all liked her, but you don’t and so I guess we’ll have to agree to agree.

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The District Attorney made out with Wapalo in a beer and wings concession stand, one short week after posing nude, in ABC’s secret reality series within a reality series “To Shame A Lawyer.”

Oh God, I think I just thought of Dry Heave kissing Sean Lowe again. I want to bottle it and use it as syrup of ipecac for children that need to puke up something poisonous they ate. Holy vomit it was gross.

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Also, she said “mundo” like “muhn-doe.” You sing opera. It’s all in romance languages. How the hell can you not pronounce that? Maybe you just perform in Herman Melville’s gothic English opera “Billy Budd.” I’m cultured. SORRY I’M NOT SORRY.

The hot nurse girl get’s the rose and no nickname until I figure out what’s wrong with her besides her bird tattoo. I mean, we could call her Portlandia because she put a bird on it, but I’m not there yet.

Next date is with the second biggest set of teeth in the house besides Crickets. She actually seems reasonably fun. Extreme date alert. They are going to tandem bungee jump off a bridge in Pasadena after eating a bunch of Venezuelan food.

If you rewatch the scene where Wapalo is comforting and coaxing her to jump and just imagine it is a very private conversation about trying the kind of sex Wapalo says is too “pervert” for the Bachelor, it is probably the funniest two minutes of television that is street legal. “Relax, go back a little, do it for me, how do you feel, if you don’t want to do it it’s okay, if you can’t it’s okay.”

Jackpot.

Also my wife just closed the browser.

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This girl looks cuter after she bungee jumps, but making your wife bungee jump four times a day seems like a non-sustainable practice. Then she goes ahead and says if you can jump off a bridge together, you can get through anything, proving Miss Piggy right that she is, in fact, a child. The first time Camila tells her she hates her, she’d be like PEACE.

They eat and then ABC makes us listen to another band I’ve never heard of and the fact she had heard of them made me terrified. Even worse, she dances like the awkward girl at a 7th grade sleepover. I mean, she could be in a room of albinos and be the whitest dancer there. She could be north of the fucking wall in Game of Thrones and be the whitest person there.

I mean, not that that’s wrong. Just saying. She was so white I pronounced the H in wHite like I was a southern belle.

In the morning, Wapalo sneaks in to cook these girls arepas and when he told them it probably sounded like he came over to bring them “a rapist” and because this is reality TV and he’s attractive, they were stoked.

Blazy I rolls down with makeup on and then runs away because she “didn’t have make up on.” Producers clearly hate her. Maniston rolls down, zero fucks given. So few fucks to space that she literally didn’t even put make up on the rest of the day, even when she played mom for the 9th time in 3 weeks when Crickets starts melting down. She is like the Stage Five Clinger Whisperer. I want to set her up with one of my friends, she will help us all in the end.

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Wapalo decides the cocktail party is a waste of time and demands a pool party to evaluate these women on their breast size, to which Scottsdale replied “CHICKEN FIGHT!”

Scottsdale was all like “bewbs” and the other girls were like “bewbs” and Wapalo was like “que” and then they all screamed “BEWWWBS!”

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Dry Heave is all awkward balls again and complains about all the cameras because she really thought reality TV would be less intrusive. Wait until she discovers the patented “tampon cam.”

You never expect the muppets.

She calls him a tease and then makes out more. She was practically arepa-ing his mouth.

Free Spirit and Olivia Wild Wings are sent home. We barely knew you both, except we did know what Free Spirit looked like naked.

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Remember to follow me on the social platforms below and send in pictures of your viewing parties. The more you flatter me, the more I will post.
Adios, Carlos.

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BachCap: Week Dos

Juancome back. Sorry for the day long delay. I contracted the devil cold in New Orleans on a bachelor party and it delayed our communal bachelor party. So, we’re celebrating on a Wednesday.

Maybe it was the cold meds, but I was really confused when ABC ponzi’d us by putting the first date card in their BS Sunday night broadcast. Look, this show is like a Las Vegas substance binge. It takes at least a week to recover from physically and mentally and really should not be attempted more than once a week.

It also guaranteed that we’d go to commercial and come back from it to the same material as Chris Harrison’s sweatshop knows how to stretch three hours out of twenty-six minutes of content. Don’t buy cocaine from him. Just kidding. He doesn’t sell drugs. He keeps them for himself.

Sacramento got the first date and this immediately depressed me because she takes forever to talk. A nickname will come up for her. But holy worst-city-in-California does she take forever to get a sentence out. And not in some slow drawl or speech impediment way. She just goes a mile a minute then pauses like the lights go dark as she searches for an adjective. Actually, let’s just call her CRICKETS, because we hear them when we wait for her to finish a sentence.

It’s like, “Juan Pablo and I are on this………….. incredible date and it’s absolutely…………crazy to think that this could be the beginning of an………..amazing Aventura with a guy who could one day………….become my husband.”

She also does the craziest stuff with her mouth, she full on does the SNL Tri Delt face. Look at the girl on the right!

Our Bah Chay Lore, or “WAPALO” as the girls pronounce it, arrives in a Tesla proving on top of being a good dad, completely incomprehensible to the human ear, in great shape, that he is also environmentally conscious. At least if you are pretending to drive a 100K car, you might as well pretend to give a fuck about the earth.

This whole episode was a return in a BIG way to the Harrison drug days. I think he cleaned it up the year of his divorce to maintain custody, but now that his day in court is up, this season is going to be Scarface.

Wapalo blindfolds Crickets for their drive to their date which sucks because we only had her mouth and her jacket she stole from the Rocketeer to focus on. They arrive at a place covered in snow even though it’s southern California. I went to USC film school and they told me this was a metaphor for all the cocaine Chris Harrison plans to do this season. Or, it literally was the cocaine and he was hiding it in plain sight. Cunning fox.

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The played in the snow, got super hyper, got mostly naked and got in a hot tub and Wapalo got a back rub, which I think is his move. To be fair, Crickets has a nice body and I’m sure Wapalo was having a fun time en La Valle De La Cocaina.

Then, ABC found one of the former GEICO cavemen who really let himself go to sing some songs for them no one will ever remember except Crickets, who will tattoo the lyrics on her arm the minute she is sent home because Sacramento.

Next Juan-on-Juan was with Kat, who doesn’t get a nickname yet, but is the kind of skinny that makes you look old. In total contrast to Crickets, she looks way better with her mouth open. That was not sexual. For real, I promise. She’s 29 going on AARP.

Wapalo does his usual “act surprised constantly” schtick, which works because he is good looking. I think sometimes he’s just surprised that he can totally make up English words and no one even bats an eye.

They get on a private jet and Kat goes into the totally moronic “I can picture myself” speech, except this time she says it about flying around the world with her Latin lover. Kat, he doesn’t have a private jet. He has a daughter and a made up job. If by flying around the world you mean Southwest Airlines Flight 231 Burbank to Phoenix in boarding group B, then you got it right. Also, how on earth did you think he might be taking you to New York? What do you think the range on that plane was? You are totally as Scottsdale as Crickets is Sacramento. And not the nice Scottsdale with shopping and steaks and spring training baseball. The kind with nightclubs called “Wet” or “Ice”. That’s you.

Guess what. You’re going to Salt Lake City for the Electric Run, which is basically a 5k through a Las Vegas night club. It’s thousands of people dressed in neon running under black lights and umbrellas in trees and there’s glow sticks. It’s basically the douchebag tent at Coachella combined with the lowliest of “competitive runs”, the 5 fucking K. I run a 5K on the treadmill on off days, stop acting like you ran a marathon. You paid 40 bucks to run 3 miles.

Anyway, the Electric Run is actually a 5K that would be fun because you could drink during it (or take hard narcotics like Chris Harrison was on when he decided I NEED ALL THE LIGHTS AND THE COLORS AND THE SOUNDS!). The thing is, they fly to Salt Lake City and the crowd is sober as hell because Mormons.

If you aren’t terrified by thousands of hot, sober blonde people dancing their asses off while exercising in the middle of the night just because “life is fun”, than you need to watch more horror movies.

Either way, Scottsdale was the perfect person to bring, she came equipped with one hundred drunk, silicon enhanced dance moves. I’d bring her on that date even though I am not attracted to her.

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Back at the mansion, the girl who constantly feels the need to show us how bad she is at local newscasting is wondering when she will get a date. I am wondering when she will get an upper lip or start singing Disney songs and staring at the ceiling longingly. I dub thee Lipmunk. Because her lack of upper lip makes her look like a chipmunk newscaster. Actually, let’s go with Chipmunk Newscaster. Who gives a fuck, she gets booted. Let’s just stop talking about her in general. Catch you on the news in case I ever have a layover in Hellsburg, Whereverthefuckyourfrom.

The next date is a big ass group date and they go to support some “let’s not kill dogs” thing and I know most of you will hate me, but I’ve had cancer twice, can we solve that first? I mean, adopt a shelter dog, I am into it. But let’s cure cancer. If we cure cancer, we’ll live longer and can save more dogs. Less cancer, more dogs.

They are going to do a photo shoot with dogs in dumb outfits to see how much mundo and Aventura these girls have. It’s a typical bachelor ploy and I am glad to see them going back to it.

Chris Harrison was weaving a masterpiece. Cocaine party, MDMA lazer party and now naked photo shoot. Basically his weekend, night by night.

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The dog loving girl with the one eye that constantly looks stoned, like marijuana only effects half her face (Blazy Eye) got the gnarliest costume ever. It looked like she did the mud run through a fat dude’s colon. One eye looked pissed off. The other was like “Did you see the new Hobbit?”

Super Naked Flower Power was happy to switch to wearing nothing instead of Missy Piggy because YOU CAN’T BE NAKED IN FORTY FORTY FORT.

Chris Harrison then pulled off his greatest coup ever. He got a fucking district attorney to get naked on national television. This is a woman who deals with criminals, has a law degree, understands the internet is forever and Harrison still gets her naked on TV. How she was so self-conscious, not sure.

Good on Jennifer Maniston in make up. She may not be hot enough to win the day, but she is easily the best choice for a wife and mother.

Vertical Natalie Portman (the one who looks like Natalie Portman if she was stretched over a foot) tells Wapalo that she has a son (with Detroit Piston Rodney Stuckey who makes 8.5 million a year) and he’s super nice. She used to be a Pistons Dancer. I feel like 95% of Bachelor contestants pretend to do something else, but they are all former dancers. They all date athletes. Stop pretending you are under the radar.

Anyway, she’s good looking in a Natalie Portland genetically spliced with a giraffe sort of way (does it for me, how bout you?).

Wapalo takes world’s best natural body teacher Nikki to have what looks to be a really great chat filled with weird gestures and sayings that if they came without an accent would be creep city. Then all hell breaks loose. Jersey Shore Legal Assistant drinks a gallon of tequila on an empty stomach and goes to that special place college girls go to when they drink like that: A POSTOFFICE WITH A SHOTGUN.

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I think every man in America gave their wives and girlfriends a huge kiss for not being that girl, because if they were, they’d not be wives or girlfriends. Guys at that level barf, fight, eat or pass out. Girls at that level are like eM0T!0N$.

This girl starts saying straddling people is the meaning of life and that she gave him the hyman maneuver, which I am pretty sure you can only give once and also pretty sure she gave it years ago.

Then she storms around confused for a while until she is in a full blown meltdown in a public bathroom, the scene of her one and only hyman maneuver years ago and Jennifer Maniston is the best human ever diving under the damn stall door to try and console a coked up badger.

Wapalo is super nice about it, I really dig his low key vibes. The girls are talking MAD SHIT until he shows up and then they are like OH I JUST FEEL BAD FOR HER HE’S SO KIND and then he leaves and they are like right back to OH FUCK THAT DRUNK BITCH.

I love girls. Even when they are crazy.

The next day Wapalo offers the Straddler a chance to make good, but she is basically a two year old, incapable of raising herself, let alone a child. I mean, make a good excuse. She was basically like I JUST GOT A LITTLE TOO RAD LAST NIGHT, MAYBE DEAL WITH IT, WHAT DO YOU NEED, LIKE A HYMAN MANUEVER?

She got cut like 4th period French.

Cocktail party, Vertical Natalie Portman starts crying and tripping out and Jennifer Maniston consoles her and even gives up the room when Wapalo shows up. She’s a peach. She even was wiping eye boogers off a rich cheerleader to help her make a good impression on a man she’s also trying to date. Someone marry her.

Miss Piggy dresses the part again. Maybe now we can start to expect the muppets.

The final rose goes to a girl that looks like Olivia Wilde if she worked at a Buffalo Wild Wings by the airport. Olivia Wild Wings.

Chipmunk Newscaster goes home. Some others go home. Let’s start trimming the fat and making some friends so I know how to really explain why they are broken.

Sorry for being sick, but this happens. For those of you tripping out (and I love you for it), check my TWITTER and I’ll always let you know where the post is at. Also follow me on instagram because I’m pretty fun to hang with. Links are below.

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